diet coke

by MrsFatass on January 2, 2018

New Year’s Day is my favorite holiday.

I love fresh calendars, clean slates, new beginnings, college football and black-eyed peas. I enjoy looking back, talking about everything that has happened, reliving memories, and reaching out to friends or family that I don’t talk with often. I read blogs, gain inspiration, and allow myself to have high hopes for all that can come with the new year. New Year’s Day is the perfect blend of looking back, but also ahead, being nostalgic but also excited, completion of one and starting fresh with another.

The biggest goal I set for 2017 was a goal that I did not accomplish. I registered for a Spartan race, became well versed in obstacle course training, bought all the Spartan books, recruited a team, gave all the pep talks, and hit the gym hard either on my own or with clients, sometime several times a day. But even before I started I knew something wasn’t right, and could easily see that as my clients and teammates were getting stronger and fitter and faster, I continued in the opposite direction, and by March I knew I wasn’t going to be able to compete.

So my Year of the Spartan took a different turn, and became less about exercise and finish lines, and more about reclaiming my health.  Which I am doing like a BOSS. I mean, I could poke and prod at my now-even-softer body and lament the loss of my awesome triceps definition or my newly acquired breathlessness when walking up a flight of stairs, but really? I feel great. I feel rested, and fresh, and like I’m truly healing. I found out a lot about what was wrong, and have worked hard getting this ship turned around and headed back in the right direction. I’m probably as proud of all of that as I would be with a Spartan medal. Usually in December or January I take my new calendar and start loading it up with race or event dates, but this year I’ve not registered for a thing. And I’m strangely okay with that.

Fixing my health also involved changing some other big things in my life. Stress is the major factor in how one develops Adrenal Fatigue, and I knew I needed address this long before my diagnosis. Closing the studio and ending a very toxic relationship was a large step in the right direction, but it wasn’t enough to bring peace. Elimination was scary, and necessary, and good – but there was a lot of residual gunk, and I wasn’t doing anything productive to cope. And, as life happens, NEW stresses piled on OLD stresses. And it penetrated deep, I think, into my subconscious. I wasn’t resting when I slept, my body stopped being able to recover from the physical stress of my workouts or the emotional stress of some things happening in life.

I kept things bottled up. Tight. I didn’t let go of the old stuff, and I didn’t speak out about the new stuff. In seeking peace, I lost myself in keeping the peace, keeping my mouth closed when I needed to be speaking up and speaking out.

And one day that all changed when I had a (gulp) TELEPHONE CONVERSATION with a life coach that taught me about MANIFESTING. It was an interesting conversation where she suggested to me strongly that I needed to be both vocal and specific about what it was I wanted for different aspects of my life.

The words rolled around in my head for a while as I flew out of town to go meet up with college friends in Miami and on to Key West. The reconnection with these women who I’ve known for more than 20 years was great practice for opening up and getting the stress sludge moving. I took advantage of the opportunity to talk, vent, laugh and cry, to tell my truth without concern of rocking the boat, and I was received with love and compassion and understanding on a very substantial level.

And then we went to the beach. And I stood at the edge of the surf with my feet sinking into the wet sand. I looked out over the crystal blue water. I took a deep breath.

And I said I want to move.

And then realizing I wasn’t specific enough, I added to Florida.

And then I talked about that with the girls, too. And some other people we met on the island. And to strangers by the pool. I practiced saying it out loud over and over.

Later that night I texted Trophy Husband, telling him I thought it might be time for us to make a big change. And I took another deep breath and I asked him “Do you want to move to Florida?”

And he answered “Yes”. Not “sure”. Not “okay”. Not “why not?” It was definitive. YES.

I came home and talked some more. I told my family and friends of our plans long before we had jobs or a new home. I packed boxes before I even knew when or how or if we would go. And piece by piece, the move happened, and here I am living at the beach.

I have more to learn about manifesting, and I have more manifesting to do (and also, is it a verb? Am I even saying it right?) But I DO know that freeing my voice and being able to say out loud what I need and what I want helped break the toxic sludge cycle.

You know how if you’re trying to get off the carbs or sugar or soda or whatever, how they say that being 100% off is actually easier than being 95% off? Because if you totally get rid of the vice, you lose your taste for it over time. And then when you go back one day and take a bite, its icky and you can’t believe you ever loved it. But if you’re still having the occasional Diet Coke, then you will still crave it, and you won’t ever think it’s gross.

I think it can be that way with life. I could have stayed where we were and been happy and continued healing and reclaimed my voice, but there would always be the nagging urge to have a Diet Coke.

Well. There is still opportunity for Diet Coke, even here at the beach, but somehow it’s easier to stay off 100% when everything about our day to day life is different. And if I DO decide to, uh, have a Diet Coke (have I beaten this horse to death yet?) it doesn’t have to be poison. Well, except that Diet Coke IS poison so I guess I have to move on to another metaphor. What I’m saying is this: I am ready to go back to some old behaviors, but with new, more healthful intentions. TH and I are making our way back to the gym. I have met the owner of a Zumba studio who asked me to consider teaching. I’m enjoying my daily yoga practice. And we have friends down here who Spartan. So anything is possible. Actually, EVERYTHING is possible. But what makes it different this time around is the knowledge that anything that costs me my peace is too expensive (I stole that from a meme with a picture of Buddha on it. But it’s true). There is so much positivity in our house right now, so much love and contentment, our bond so strong, that I will protect it fiercely.

This year, on New Years Day, I suggested a new tradition. I asked the family to come down to the beach with me for a Fatass Family Manifest. It was such a special moment for me that day on Key West, that I really wanted to share the experience with my family. Only this time it was ridiculously cold and windy, and for a moment we all considered staying home under blankets. It was crazy to think we had to drag everyone out in pajamas in the rain to go talk to the ocean. But somehow we decided to go anyway, and we loaded up the dogs and drove through the rain and kicked off our shoes so we could dig our feet in the sand and be grounded as we looked out at the ocean and said out loud what we wanted in 2018.

It ended up being the most fun thing, watching how huge and choppy the waves were, shivering together, yelling over the wind, trying to get a picture where you could see all 4 of us and the dogs. It was wild and invigorating and kind of nuts and it was just the most spectacular way to begin a new year that I just can’t even put it to words. We were frozen, and we were all smiling and laughing like goofballs.

Here’s to manifesting a peaceful, prosperous, positive 2018. Happy New Year, y’all.

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Donna January 4, 2018 at 12:30 pm

LOVE LOVE LOVE! And yes, manifest is a VERB, as well as a noun. Here’s to new beginnings and speaking things into existence!

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Rebecca Wood February 4, 2018 at 4:55 pm

I love you. I love this. It sounds really good.

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