not on fighting the old

by MrsFatass on December 1, 2015

Photo Nov 26, 10 43 35 AM

My very first post here was almost six years ago. Six years ago! Six years ago I was a full time stay at home mom, I still had a child in diapers, I had never uttered the word crapball, or taken a Zumba class, or eaten quinoa. And when I introduced myself, I led with the fact that I was a Christian.

Had you told me upon writing that first post that in the very brief span of Almost Six Years, I would go back to work, find a fitness passion, write a blog, and meet people online that would become some of the most important in my life, I would have laughed. I would done a LITERAL lol. LLOL. I would have. When I started this blog I had a FLIP PHONE, people. A flip phone and a Facebook that I logged on to ONLY OCCASIONALLY and LOL was something I learned in an AOL chat room that meant Lots of Laughs.

Lol.

And if you would have told me in that same time span that I would have let my anxiety rage so strong that I would end up in a heap on the bathroom floor, lose (and then rediscover) my connection with Trophy Husband, become a fitness instructor, open a business, and WRITE ABOUT IT WHERE OTHER PEOPLE COULD ACTUALLY SEE?

Well. I’d think you’d gone slam crazy.

But all those things? Well, they happened.

And with each one, I fought to hold on to whatever it was BEFORE the big thing. I focus so much energy on wrestling with the old, thinking maybe I can fit the peg back in the hole you know? I mean, you guys, every single time I grocery shop I buy celery but do you know what? Nobody ever eats it. Not since my post-college, Bloody Mary Sunday days. But I still buy it because what if? What IF someday I get to have a Bloody Mary Sunday again? And my car is old and held together with band aids and twine but it’s paid for and I already know all the quirks and we drove my daughter home from the hospital in it so I couldn’t possibly get a new one. And to this day, when I throw on my denim jacket, I still prefer the way the flip phone slid perfectly into the front pocket to having to actually carry my iPhone in my hand.

Sometimes the things I want to hold on to are more serious. Like the time the woman who I thought was my best friend actually published a blog post on a “secret blog” detailing all the ways she was glad my family and I moved away. Yep. For real. And I discovered it, and politely let her know that what if she thought it was unfindable, it wasn’t. And if she wanted me to find it, well I did. And it took me a couple of years to completely sever that tie with her because change is HARD and we had other friends in the same circle and I didn’t want to cause drama because one day she might be genuinely sorry for it all, and I had just never heard of adult friends breaking up, you know?

But the thing is, holding on to that friendship? Well, it wasn’t good. Because I couldn’t be truly forgiving so not letting it go meant that the stuff that felt bad in the beginning actually started feeling awful and infected as time went on and it eventually became impossible to see her as anything but toxic and you know I’m basically a happy and positive person, so carrying around this carcass of a friendship just became too much. And eventually I let it go. But it took a long time. Way too long.

The thing is, though, that when I do finally let my life evolve, and I get on the other side of it, there is always a realization that I should have just let it happen when it was supposed to. Because life on the OTHER side of change is usually way better. Even though it can be different, it is usually better. My best friends today are of a different caliber than before; they are my family and my heart and they love me and my husband and my children and my dogs. But until I let that old relationship go, I couldn’t find them.

Now I’ve found them.

So. Last week, we taught our last class at trio fitness.

This was another change that was a long time coming. I can’t go back and say definitively THIS is the moment that we should have closed, or at least I won’t go back and do that because if I think about things too much, my heart crackles like when you walk on ice. But the truth is, we fought some pretty weird juju right from the start. Waking up one morning to an email from one of our partners saying basically that she just didn’t want to own a business anymore, so could we please take over her share of the work, debt, bills and responsibilities so she could go re-join the old gym and go on about her life? Pretty weird juju. Weirder yet, having an instructor who, in the first year, made more money than the rest of us combined, but refused to provide a social security number and insisted she worked for us as a volunteer, not an employee.

No. I’m not joking. Also I have made a good friend at the IRS now, which I suppose is never a bad thing.

Anyway, it was just kind of hard thing after hard thing and it seemed like life became more about dodging bullets and staying ahead of the beast than it was about inspiring people to live a healthier lifestyle. And while I understand that a big part of business ownership is about exactly that – staying ahead of the beast – the best part of trio, the classes and the clients and the relationships, well those things were more and more being left up to others to handle so I could run the business and have something left over to give my family too. And one day I just finally accepted that it was time.

And once I said the words out loud, I realized how right they sounded.

Closing the studio has never ever ever been about the clients. Quite the opposite. Our clients are why we kept the doors open as long as we did. Our clients are the absolute icing on the cake. And I could not have been more proud of our staff. I still can’t find words for how tremendously awesome it was to be part of a team chock full of talented, engaging, compassionate trainers and instructors and so for now those words will have to do. Tremendously awesome. TREMENDOUSLY.

Closing the studio is really just about peace. And about being able to get back to doing what I love. And about being present for my family again. And about peace.

Someday soon I’ll have to tell you all about the day I found Victory. The day that I, that MrsFatass , in all of her sweaty glory, put together a resume and dressed all in black and marched my big behind into that gym with a goal to find a new job, and came out finding a new home. For all of us. Because you know there is a story, and I will tell it. And it will be a re-introduction of MrsFatass. The sassy Christian woman who presented herself almost 6 years ago, who had a journey to embark on, who invited the blogosphere to come along.

It’s time to build the new.

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Drazil December 1, 2015 at 8:15 pm

I remember when you first told me of that friend who did that to you…I use the term “friend” loosely there. My heart broke for you and broke for her for being so stupid as to let go of someone like you. I know by now she’s realized what she lost and regrets it. I have loved your writing, your compassion and your bravery in speaking so openly about your anxiety. I have never told you how in awe I was to see you TEACHING classes – in front of people – on purpose. And there were other secrets we shared too. Even if I never meet you – you saved me during that time. Thank you for showing me what it means to feel the fear and do it anyway. I love you MF. I applaud you. Open or closed…I love you the same.

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Valerie December 2, 2015 at 12:46 am

I’ve been wanting to hear some of this story, and while I’m sorry it’s not all happy, I am excited to see what the future holds for you! Change sucks and is awesome. Both/and.

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Vicki M December 2, 2015 at 3:46 am

I have followed you for the whole 6 years. I have felt your struggles and your victories, and truly love your blog. I am so glad that you are learning acceptance and to go with the flow. Change is scary, usually good and always educational!

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Kerri Olkjer December 2, 2015 at 2:47 pm

I hope you have found much peace in your decision. I’m sort of the opposite. Always trying to run out ahead of change, lol.

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CARLA December 4, 2015 at 5:42 am

OH OH OH THAT LAST SENTENCE.
Yes it is.
for many of us.

Reply

Thea Rudland December 5, 2015 at 7:21 am

My telepathy skills are improving! Just the other day I was telling you that you needed to write more. I’m glad you got the message.

(Offers up a hammer and some nails)

🙂

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