reality check

by MrsFatass on April 22, 2012

You know those people on Facebook who shout from their status updates how perfect everything is and how happy they are and how each new day is more perfect than the last? Well. I see through those people. I see through you, Facebook Nothing But Happiness Proclaimers! I know you have bad days and problems and perhaps an overdue phone bill and a secret box of Little Debbies hidden behind the quinoa on the top shelf of the pantry. I know your life is no more perfect than mine.

And mine is not perfect.

Being that I’ve created an atmosphere here of honesty, I’ve avoided writing with any regularity because my MOM reads this blog for crying out loud. My mom and my high school drama director and old friends from college and now all kinds of people who take my Zumba classes and all of a sudden I became hesitant to write my life because I don’t always feel like cracking jokes and because more and more I have to make eye contact with people who come here to read this stuff. You know? Somewhere along the way I misplaced the fearlessness or brazenness or whatever it was that allowed me to write this snark, and really I just don’t feel that funny anymore.

Then yesterday I was at a Zumbathon and somehow I mentioned something about a bad day and my tiny little anxiety problem and somebody said to me “Really? I just can’t imagine you being down. You’re always so energetic and happy!” and I thought to myself whatEVER. You obviously don’t read my BLOG. I’m a fricken MESS.

Except that I haven’t been writing much. Not real stuff. Not lately. It’s not pretty and it’s not funny and it’s not optimistic. So maybe I have turned into one of those Facebook people. Putting on a front.

I think it’s time for MrsFatass to get her balls back. So, if you are related to me or to Trophy Husband or are otherwise squeamish about reading the intimate details of this three ring circus of a life I’m leading then now would be a good time to save yourself and click away. Because shit is about to get REAL up in here.

I’m struggling. I’ve recently become a wife and mom who now also works outside of the home. Like, aside from the umpteen Zumba classes I teach. I have a real, grownup job. And I can’t effing keep up. I mean, women have been doing this since the dawn of time and I’m not looking for sympathy but I am not kidding when I say that I am not good at this. I’m tired and impatient and never know when Thing One has an early release day or needs Book Fair money and Thing Two wears the same ill-matched outfit several days a week because it’s what she chooses when she dresses herself and fuck if I have time in the mornings to argue with her about what pink shirt goes with what pink skirt and what pants that don’t wiggle (don’t know what that means? I didn’t either. Took me weeks to figure out she meant leggings). My house is filthy because the only chore I can manage to keep up with is laundry, and that’s because half of my job means sweating profusely in my clothing so I can only wear it once and the other half involves the fact that I basically wear a uniform to work. My beautiful, long awaited garden box is still without a single plant in it and I look at it lovingly every single day, wishing I had my hands in the dirt but instead I’m actually so tired at night that sometimes I don’t shower after class, I just fall into bed sweaty and hot and also sometimes it’s my way of keeping people from wanting to touch me or hug me or hold on to me because I can’t possibly do another thing for another person. My kitchen table is piled high with unopened mail and a load of socks I need to sort and toys that I’m trying to keep away from Woodson which isn’t really a big deal except that it’s become symbolic of all of the family meals we are no longer eating together because I’m always on the run. Trophy Husband is trying hard to do more than his share so that our schedules will work, but the truth is he and I are hanging on by a thread and he spent an hour locked in the bathroom today on the phone interviewing a potential marriage counselor, because we are no longer equipped to manage ourselves on our own. I’m a shitty friend who doesn’t return emails or requests to talk or Skype because I can’t talk about any of this without a keyboard, and I’m a shittier daughter because my dad is sick and my mom is exhausted but I just can’t figure out how to talk to them every day because my mom will see right through me and I don’t want her to worry about me and I don’t want to cry anymore and I love them so much. And I need to go to the dentist because I have a very sensitive tooth and it’s kind of freaking me out.

Too much? I told you shit was gonna get real.

Okay. So where do we go from here? Well, I still haven’t told you all about Disney or finally getting to shoot a gun or whatever happened in all of that #ashamed brouhaha. And aside from all the Zumba I have found another way to feel really good about myself and it involves pushing the envelope with the dress code at work and when I tell you about that it will explain the Tweet I sent out earlier about me making somebody crave honey baked ham. As hard as things are right now, I really do have some things going on that make me happy and calm and comfortable in my own skin and excited about looking into my future.

We’ve got a lot to catch up on, blogosphere.

{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }

Lisa April 22, 2012 at 9:42 pm

I’ve started this response a couple of times now, then hit “delete” because everything I wanted to say sounded so cliche. What I really want to say is this: Thanks for keeping it real, because for those of us who are also trying to keep it authentic in a world full of air-brushing and Photoshop, it’s nice to know there are people like you out there. I feel terrible for you for all the struggles you are going through right now, and I pray that each day is better than the last in at least some little way, but I do appreciate you being authentic and letting us in. Hang in there, Mrs. Zumba-ass! :)

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Queen Wackaddo April 22, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Welcome home

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Jack Sh*t April 22, 2012 at 10:02 pm

The same thing happened to me, Sue. The more people found out about my blog, the less I felt like sharing what I was really going thru. It was always easier to share with folks I didn’t really know than talk about them with those closest to me. It shouldn’t be the case, but there it is…

Hang in there, pal. Here’s hoping Life eases up on you soon.

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Samantha C. April 22, 2012 at 10:08 pm

I love that you keep it real. I love that you’re opening up about all the muck and the mess and the turmoil that fills life some times.

You’ve got an ugly pile of not good things, most of us do, but what I love about you is you cling to the good things. And in terms of good things you are very blessed as well.

Remember – you have plenty of people around you that you can lean on. You are loved and don’t have the shoulder it all alone.

<3

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Valerie (SeattleRunnerGirl) April 22, 2012 at 10:16 pm

All I could think as I read this was how much I identify. And then I felt guilty for thinking about *me* instead of you. And then I got mad for feeling guilty, because, really? Mommy guilt is beyond ANYTHING I’ve ever imagined. I’m glad you’re back and being real and letting the shit all hang out. That’s why we keep reading, you know. Not just because you’re funny and snarky and you talk about your butt. (Though we love that too.) We love you because you’re you (and you’re us, in a weird way) and you tell it like it is.

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Myra April 22, 2012 at 10:19 pm

I don’t know you but I think I do. I had one audition and it sent me into a blithering mess. My Debt management program is almost payed off and my dog had an ear infection and I can’t afford to go to the vet until I get paid friday. Yet I spent my income tax return on Zumba sneakers and a second Zumba license. Why am I telling you this? You have enough shit going on. But I know you have made my life better, and if there was anything I could do I would. I can’t give you a hug, so I just wanted you to know I’m listening.

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quix April 22, 2012 at 10:20 pm

*hugs*
I feel the same way about my blog. Right now things are going really really well so I don’t have much to complain about, but I feel like a lot of my life is off limits to write about…

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Candy April 22, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Life is not easy with 2 little ones and a challenging marriage. You, however, Miss Sunshine, have found an outlet that not many of us find when life is tough. You’ll get through this because you are tough, strong, and awesome! Plus, you’re more positive than most. Sappy, I know, but …you will do this!

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Staci April 22, 2012 at 10:31 pm

I heart real.

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jules- big girl bombshell April 22, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Yes…Yes…Yes…
Been waiting for this…the real world of a full fledged cape wearing SuperMom!
Been there, done that…
same as knowing all the people that read our blogs and holding back..
hiding behind the veil of blogosphere and a smile in real life
when life is life and sometimes that is chaotic to say the least…

Welcome back Sue…look forward to reading more from you…

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Donna April 22, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Hey Sue? I love ya. That is all. XO

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Camille April 22, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Just wanted to say I Love You as a person a strong strong person I wish I could be.

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AJ April 22, 2012 at 11:17 pm

I love you. Shit got real last year when I decided to become a teacher. I can’t even remember to feed the cats most days- I can’t imagine having kids and a hubby and 2 jobs…. You are truly superwoman and even superwoman has crappy days/months/years. Keep on keeping it real!! We love seeing you overcome in the hard times and succeeding in the easier times. :D

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Vicki April 22, 2012 at 11:47 pm

And now you know why I don’t blog anymore. I still fight the battles but the war h!as to wait. Take it from a single mom of a special needs son with a full time job. PRIORITIZE!! At the end of the day we cannot be everything for everyone. Do what you can, when you can and keep it honest. Cuz honey, we have all been there! And no one will judge you on what your daughter wears or that dinner was take out or whatever. Now I must find last month’s cable bill so I can pay the damn thing…. :)

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Deborah (Schmiet) April 23, 2012 at 1:22 am

I struggle a bit with what to share as well! But then generally tend to overshare. However… I do worry about being overly negative which is hard to help if that’s how you feel and your blog reflects your thoughts and feelings.

But the Zumbathon sounds good and I’m intrigued about the work dress code thing… so can’t wait to hear more!

Deb

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Chris April 23, 2012 at 2:50 am

You know why you are overwhelmed..YOu have two fulltime jobs now. People are always saying how stay at home moms have their own schedule…well, they don’t…their schedule is predicated on everyone elses schedule. Period. Now you have that job and your zumba job and your ‘real grown up’ job. You may have one job too many. We aren’t super women. And ditto what jack said…the more people I know who read, the less I say. I may just say it anyways and let the chips fall where they may. You got to let it out somewhere. Hugs.

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Donna D April 23, 2012 at 4:59 am

I am glad to see YOU back in my reader – real, sweaty, unwashed, and all.

And yep, I too have about 3 weeks of unopened mail to sort through. It is *almost* to the point where it is too much to comprehend.

We will get through it. Promise. :-)

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anon April 23, 2012 at 7:12 am

Sounds likeb you just coined another phrase for a MrsFatass tee shirt. Shit got real.

The reader who said you’re you, and at the same time you’re all of us too is right. I’ll never stop loving the way you keep it real.

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Coco April 23, 2012 at 7:46 am

Love the “pants that don’t wiggle.” I will never think of leggings the same.

Try to scan through that mail soon. You may find out that all that “junk mail” you have been getting from an unfamiliar bank relates to the fact that they have taken over your mortgage and need you to send checkks to them from now on.

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KCLAnderson (Karen) April 23, 2012 at 8:42 am

I like real. I LOVE real!! Dealing with some real myself…

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Chantel April 23, 2012 at 8:54 am

So glad to see you back!

Real is good. There’s a lot of us dealing with a lot of real out here and we’re here for you. For that tiny moment when we read about your real we are there with you, trying to give you that extra ounce of energy and hoping you understand that your children know you love them. Even if you can’t find the right pants that don’t *wiggle” and forget Book Fair Money.

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Melissa April 23, 2012 at 9:03 am

I always say that any mom who says they’ve got the work/life balance figured out is lying through their teeth. We’re all just doing the best we can and if someone wears the same clothes two days in a row, who cares? As long as there’s a roof over their heads, food in their bellies and tons of love embracing them, you’re all going to be ok. And if there’s any way you can swing someone to help with the cleaning – even if it’s once a month – I highly recommend it. For me, that expense is small compared to the amount of stress it relieves.

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Shala April 23, 2012 at 9:08 am

I am so sorry! (I have read your blog forever and never commented, but this one makes my heart hurt for you.)

I am sure you and your hubby will benefit from marriage counseling. Maybe she/he can help you guys prioritize. And mother’s day is coming up-I say Momma deserves a housekeeper as a gift!(Groupn has them crazy cheap all the time.) Don’t worry about what the kids are wearing-I am sure their teachers have seen it all & assume it’s her, not you.

Hope it all gets better very soon.

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joy April 23, 2012 at 10:11 am

ACK! So been there!! When my kids were growing up and I had the same kind of stuff happen to me, I thought I’d never make it!! Now I’m on the back side of that time of my life and I can tell you, that I wish I could go back!! I so miss my kids and the life we had back then!! So enjoy every minute!! It all changes so fast!!

Keep focused!

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Simon April 23, 2012 at 10:37 am

I don’t know exactly what you are going through but in a lot of ways I feel like I can relate. I just want to tell you that I WANT so badly for things to get better and slow down a bit and for you to feel like you are driving again instead of running behind trying to keep up. I know that feeling all to well. Wishing the best for you pal. Thanks for keeping it real and not losing your humor or your voice through it all.

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MommaHunt16 April 23, 2012 at 10:45 am

Welcome Back-I think a lot of us hide who we are and what we are going through on our blog, facebook and twitter. I know I do. I have been spending a lot of time in therapy working on trying to be the real me and not worry about what others think. This is really hard when the shit if falling becasue sometimes it makes me feel better to pretend that life is fine…makes me feel like the world isn’t closing in…but in the end it is easier to tell the truth. Glad to knwo that you have your outlet back…so again welcome back to reality (although it sucks, its better to live here)

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Steve April 23, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I’m pretty sure anything I say is going to sound cliche and lame, and a lot of the other commenters have summed up my feelings pretty well already.

So…I miss your face. *hugs*

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Jenn April 23, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Much love girl. Thank you for keeping it real.

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Micah (mmm, fbbmomma) April 23, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Sue…. You are amazing, whether you think so or not. I’m going through the exact same emotions, but I’m staying at home with my kids. I don’t know how women are moms, and wives and work! I don’t know how I used to do it, because ever since number 3 arrived, I’m lucky I even know my name, let alone be able to work.
Thank you for your honesty, because for those of us that are having a hard time keeping their heads above water, it’s refreshing to know we aren’t alone.
Missed you my friend!

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Joy April 23, 2012 at 10:30 pm

As I sit here boo hooing while reading your blog and all these comments I am so thankful that in one month all 4 of my step children will have graduated from high school and will be ready to start leading their own lives so I can have MINE back! I mean, we all love kids, but this motherhood thing can be crazy sometimes. I LONG for the days when I would spend all day Saturday cleaning my house and doing what I wanted to do.
I feel like the answer is to give up something, like maybe Zumba, but you’re such an awesome instructor and I think it makes YOU feel good about yourself. So that’s probably not the answer. I agree with the housekeeper idea. Put aside $25 a week and have someone come once a month. It will take away some pressure. And I knew a man once who took all of his laundry to the dry cleaner! Underwear and all! If TH can’t pitch in and help with laundry, then let someone else do it! :)
The thing is, Mrs. Wonderful, that you need to stop for a minute and put YOU first. Oprah said it best, if you aren’t at your best, then how can you be expected to keep up with everyone else? That’s not a direct quote, but I promise I did learn something from her! :) We just think you’re wonderful and want you to feel that way too. xoxo

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Thea @ It's Me Vs. Me April 24, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Hooray for real!! I love real. I love you. I’ve missed your writing. And I for one love to hear how crazy nuts other people’s lives are because HELLO that is reality.

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jeep.jenn April 30, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I know you have trophy husband….but you need a wife too!

Glad you’re back, with all your honesty….LOVE YOU!!

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tj April 30, 2012 at 11:00 pm

life is not always sunshine & rainbows. I am guilty of hiding my issues and putting a smile on my face…I’m glad you aired it out, now we can all hug & support you. Wait, maybe after you shower. lol :) xoxo

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Janelle April 30, 2012 at 11:49 pm

As I try to figure out what to say to you, I look around my bedroom and see four baskets filled with clean clothes that haven’t been put away and have probably been sitting there since the Nixon administration, a Rubbermaid tote filled with Easter decorations, children’s school work piled so high that it nearly covers the lava lamp on the table, and a dog whom I just remembered to feed. It’s 11:30 p.m. Poor doggie. My office looks pretty much the same, minus the dog. I’m so overwhelmed that I’m frozen. Literally frozen. Oh, every day I make the promise to myself … Today Will Be The Day. But it never happens. I’ve shared with you that I suffer from anxiety problems, but I have no idea if my inability to get anything done has its roots in that. But I try to laugh through it all. I think it’s my way of coping. Maybe it’s my way of hiding things from others. But I fear that one day soon I’ll open my front door to find a camera crew from TLC or HGTV or The Discovery Channel to film a show called “Intervention” or “Crushed by the Weight of Her Own Stuff” or “People Who Hoard Paper” and it will all be out in the open. Relationships? Can’t keep one. So celebrate your years with TH and look for the good in each other (and remember that it’s REAL ugly out here). ;-) We should schedule a time to get together, drink heavily, pass out on the floor and wake up to find a camera crew from “Friends Don’t Let Friends Clean Their Houses” in our faces. New show. Lifetime. In the fall. Be there. ;-)

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Teleasha June 2, 2012 at 3:38 am

I sooooooooo feel you! I can identify with ALL of your “shit”…we all walk around here like everything is peachy but you have the balls to say that it’s not. I see you from time to time and I have always thought you were an awesome soul, but you have just truly humanized yourself in a way that most people don’t…thank you for your transparency!

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