What is that saying about the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result?
Well, now that it’s all out in the open that I’m struggling, I guess I can follow that up by admitting that I am also insane. I am doing the same things again and again, expecting that somehow they’ll turn out different. Or that I’ll turn out different. But really, I’m not much different today than I was 7 months ago when I was laying on the floah. Well, I’m upright. And my ugly hair has grown out. And I have taken to wearing super short Athleta running skorts and tight tee shirts to work because I need the endorphined up manly men to stop by my office to see what I’m wearing so they can go over to the coffee pot and objectify me. I’ve found that being objectified is about as good as it gets on those days that I feel like a chubby, middle aged depressed chick with a trunk full of baggage.
And as long as we’re on the topic, the Honey Baked Ham story…
Gym Eye Candy Guy: I look at you and it makes me crave Honey Baked Ham.
Me: (Blink. Blink.) I feel like that’s supposed to be a compliment, but I just can’t quite make the connection. Can you explain?
Gym Eye Candy Guy: Think about it. At Thanksgiving, the turkey might be the centerpiece. But it’s the Honey Baked Ham the men want to devour.
Yeah. I’m totally okay with that right now.
I finally agreed to go to counseling with Trophy Husband and our first appointment is next week and the truth is I am whacked out scared because once you say things out loud, they’re real. You can’t say them and then see that they crush or infuriate or amuse or embarrass the other person and then take them back. You can’t un-say them once they’re out there. And even though we have this shared experience of the last 14 years together, I just don’t know what he’s going to say once we’re in the room with a third party and a couch and a professional opinion. We have been horrible communicators and swept lots of things under the rug and I don’t know if we’re going to counseling to try to work on our relationship or if we’re going to counseling to try to decide if our relationship is worth saving or if we’re going to counseling because we both think it’s the other person who is batshit. I don’t know if we’d even agree on the reason for going. I just don’t know.
I guess all of the stupid shit I do to try to stay ahead of the beast has been put on pause. I’m not happy about it, but it is what it is. And also, I’m not going to stop curling my hair and wearing short skirts that push the boundaries of the dress code. But I’ll slow down. And I’ll go to therapy.