What is that saying about the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result?
Well, now that it’s all out in the open that I’m struggling, I guess I can follow that up by admitting that I am also insane. I am doing the same things again and again, expecting that somehow they’ll turn out different. Or that I’ll turn out different. But really, I’m not much different today than I was 7 months ago when I was laying on the floah. Well, I’m upright. And my ugly hair has grown out. And I have taken to wearing super short Athleta running skorts and tight tee shirts to work because I need the endorphined up manly men to stop by my office to see what I’m wearing so they can go over to the coffee pot and objectify me. I’ve found that being objectified is about as good as it gets on those days that I feel like a chubby, middle aged depressed chick with a trunk full of baggage.
And as long as we’re on the topic, the Honey Baked Ham story…
Gym Eye Candy Guy: I look at you and it makes me crave Honey Baked Ham.
Me: (Blink. Blink.) I feel like that’s supposed to be a compliment, but I just can’t quite make the connection. Can you explain?
Gym Eye Candy Guy: Think about it. At Thanksgiving, the turkey might be the centerpiece. But it’s the Honey Baked Ham the men want to devour.
Yeah. I’m totally okay with that right now.
I finally agreed to go to counseling with Trophy Husband and our first appointment is next week and the truth is I am whacked out scared because once you say things out loud, they’re real. You can’t say them and then see that they crush or infuriate or amuse or embarrass the other person and then take them back. You can’t un-say them once they’re out there. And even though we have this shared experience of the last 14 years together, I just don’t know what he’s going to say once we’re in the room with a third party and a couch and a professional opinion. We have been horrible communicators and swept lots of things under the rug and I don’t know if we’re going to counseling to try to work on our relationship or if we’re going to counseling to try to decide if our relationship is worth saving or if we’re going to counseling because we both think it’s the other person who is batshit. I don’t know if we’d even agree on the reason for going. I just don’t know.
I guess all of the stupid shit I do to try to stay ahead of the beast has been put on pause. I’m not happy about it, but it is what it is. And also, I’m not going to stop curling my hair and wearing short skirts that push the boundaries of the dress code. But I’ll slow down. And I’ll go to therapy.
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
You know what, Sue? Everyone’s got a little something they’d prefer to keep private. You have let us into your world and let us see ourselves in you, the good, the not so good, the oh my God … Do what’s best for YOU and if it turns out it’s best for the both of you, then so be it. But first and foremost, do what’s best for YOU. Lots of love to you, Sue. XOXO
I was scared snotless when we went to marriage counseling at first, too. The first question the counselor asked us, was “Is there a chance this will work out?” and the second was “Do you want this marriage to work out?” My answers were “I hope so” and “Yep.” Hub’s answers were all drawn out and so long I don’t remember what they were. It was many years ago, so I guess there was hope. Married life isn’t perfect, but counseling helped me to figure out how I could be a better wife and realize that I couldn’t *make* him a better husband. And I think it helped him realize that he couldn’t *make* me be a better person either.
*sigh*
I love personal counseling because it’s private. But couples’ counseling is a different story. I feel all good about where I am, then we have a bad day, and I find out a bad month that I thought was okay. Also, there’s the whole fear of criticism thing. From the counselor. From the husband. From the two of them.
But it’s all just about getting realistic. Learning what the definition of “respectful” is for each other, and trying to appreciate in my husband’s language of appreciation. Not lots of patient understanding listening like I crave.
I hope it goes well enough for you to get some direction.
I love you.
I remember my first appt and it was rough. I actually only went to that guy once because he was a ding-a-ling and didn’t understand our situation. Or, at least my side. I may have been too picky but we did eventually find someone that I felt made sense for us. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. What I’ve learned is you both have to want it as much as the other, regardless of whatever it is that got you there.
I know it sounds silly, but think back to why you fell in love. Ask TH to do the same. Can you have that again?
Donna said it perfectly. Go with good intentions and see what happens. All the stuff you’re worried might happen? It might happen, counseling or not. Hugs.
I think its OK that you don’t know why you’re going to counseling or that you might be going for different reasons.
I hope the appointment goes well!!!
Just caught up a little on your blog. I am sending so much love through this comment that I might just break the internet.
I won’t give advice, because what the hell do I know?
I will say that I’m in awe of moms that work…and you’re awesome…and feisty…and wonderfully flawed…and real…and amazing…and you had me at hotass?
girl you are BRAVE!!! I have been married 27 years and I am 100% proof positive certain if we were to go to therapy and I were to say OUT LOUD what it is my head…
Tammy Wynette sang the song D.I.V.O.R.C.E!!!
good luck sweetie
Heh heh – your gym story reminds me of a jackhole I ran across a few wks ago; he & his wife (???) or main squeeze are newbies, coming in every day to burn the place up…
Anyway, he complimented me as I staggered off the treadmill, dripping sweat. “Wow! You really work your ass off!” OK, whatever, dude – isn’t that what we’re here for?!?
(I also need to drag my hubby in for an oil check but you’re right, that shit is scary!)