I’m very particular about words. I’ve only known one other person who pays attention to them the way I do, who chooses them as meticulously to communicate a point. Or who will ruminate over somebody else’s word choices to try to extract the exact intention of the speaker. Words are probably the single biggest thing keeping my brain from being able to relax like other people. For crying out loud, I’m still analyzing conversations I had with people months ago while at the same time rehearsing conversations I know I’m going to have to have later today. Just so I can be sure I say exactly what I mean. Both of those. At the same time.
It’s exhausting, living in my brain. Really it is.
Now that I’m back in the land of those who work outside of the home every day, I’m having to refresh those communication skills. Because as a writer I can practice and erase and try again over and over, and not hit PUBLISH until I fit them all together exactly the way I want them to be. But at work, the things that come out of my mouth pretty much have to hit the nail on the head the first time. Not only do I teach and sell, I lead a team. I manage. I’m ultimately responsible for the performance of people other than just little old me. So I have to pay attention.
Thing is, people don’t much like being watched.
I’m one of those people who enjoy being noticed. It’s why I wear the shoes I wear or the pretty panties glitter eyeshadow. It’s why I write this blog. It’s why I work so hard or crack jokes or want the best trained dog in the neighborhood. It’s fun to be noticed for good things. It motivates me. It can make me feel smart and sexy. And it’s the reason why my management style heavily relies on noticing the people around me doing great things. I love to catch my staff getting something really right. I love pointing out to my students the new muscle tone in their shoulders or calves. I love asking a member why I haven’t seen his wife in a while, and having him break into a big smile and tell me “I can’t wait to tell her she is missed around here.”
I think it feels good to be noticed. And it makes me want to do more notice-worthy things.
But being watched is stressful. Because the watch-er is usually waiting for the watch-ee to make a mistake. Watching for signs or clues or lies or screwups. Watching for some piece of evidence to be used later. When I know I’m being watched it’s like I can’t help but mess up. Because it’s assumed that I will. Or I wouldn’t be being watched in the first place.
Being watched can suck.
I’m being watched right now. And I haven’t quite decided how I feel about it. On the one hand, being on somebody’s radar isn’t a totally bad thing, because it means I’m relevant. But on the other hand, it is wearing on me. I’m dissatisfied and itchy and tired. And I want things to be different. Drastically so. But I don’t quite know how to make them different. Not yet, anyway.
But I’m sure my never-shutting-off-brain will figure somthing out. Eventually.
** Speaking of being watched, I have the privilege and the honor to be a guest on Mamavation TV Monday night at 10:00 PM est. Join us? **
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, if it’s Santa you’re worried about, I’m pretty sure he’s got you on his “nice” list.
It’s been so long since I’ve been in the workforce, I don’t know what I would do. I mean, I do so much work at home without anyone watching and I’m good at working on my own. Really good at it. Before I stayed at home, I was a total people person who was scared of the isolation of being at home. Now I’ve totally taken to it and LOVE it. What your are describing scares the crap out of me. When I go to conferences and meet ups I actually get nervous because of the amount of people around. My social skills feel a bit rusty. Yes, Bookieboo gets nervous. When I tell people that they laugh at me. But I’m totally serious. My brain is getting slow with age…and I’m not even that old. Anyways…I have diarrhea of the mouth. I’m shutting up now.
Being watched IS exhbausting. I get it.
And of course you’re relavent.
Hmmm…you must tell me more about this…if you wish…if it would help. ♥U.
Im similar to Leah I haven’t been in the work force for 7 years now and Im not sure I would know how to handle it now. Plus that would require me getting fully dressed daily lol… But I know what you mean by its very motivating for people to notice the good things, but it can be very unmotivating when people notice the bad things
I love the spotlight because it keeps me on my toes, but I also have those pre conversations and post conversations in my head. I used to panic about messing up, but I decided that no one really pays attention or remembers like I do…that may or may not be true, but it gets me through the mess ups.
Can’t wait to see you Monday at Mamavation TV.
I have a policy. Be honest, work hard and let the watcher come to their own conclusions…It works wonders for the nerves. I came to a point in life where I realized with one particular person, whatever I did could be twisted…so I just quit caring. I do what I am going to do. YOu are fab. Don’t sweat it.
I know the feeling of liking to be seen. I lost it somewhere along the way. Now that I’m feeling like the “old” new me. I’m trying to figure out who I am now. A little conundrum I’ve got here.
Being watched is stressful, I haven’t been in the workplace in a long time I wouldn’t know where to start or how to talk to adults all the time. Potty time! Err I mean…awkward lol
Merry Christmas!
I’ve been “being watched” for the past twelve years and am ending that relationship because its so freaking draining. Good luck to you. I know exactly what you’re feeling.
I am so looking forward to WATCH YA tonight
The idea of being on someone’s radar is so intimidating. It’s one of the many things I DON’T miss about having a 9-5. Still, the idea of being known or on the map makes the load easier to bear.
You shouldn’t worry about being watched because when you do that’s when mistakes happen. Just be yourself and you’ll be fine. Have agreat xmas!
Hope you don’t mind being watched tonight because I am so excited you are going to be on Mamavation TV. Hugs to you!!!!
Am I too old to be watched? I’m getting on in those years where I just might not give a rats well you know! lol – Hang in there. I’m sorry I missed you on the show.
I know how daunting it is to watch everything you do and still do. Things have been used against me and so I tread lightly on what I do to this day just in case. It’s very exhausting yet annoying. I wish you well for 2012 and hope the worry of being watched is lifted!