heartache can’t have music

by MrsFatass on October 31, 2011

It’s no secret here that I’m going through something. Something kind of big. And I go back and forth about how much I’m going to say or exactly how I want to say it. But for today, suffice it to say that something got broken. Smashed, really. And figuring out how to put it all back together is like doing a puzzle with a million pieces. That are all the same color. And even the parts that are supposed to fit together don’t feel exactly right.

Already I’m not the same person I was a month ago. I can’t handle being alone. I hate trying to fall asleep. I can’t do #TubTimeWithMrsFatass anymore. All those moments I used to steal to be alone with my thoughts? The Universe can have back. I don’t need them anymore.

And I’m walking around with a huge ache in my chest. Every now and then I forget to breathe, and when I finally remember, it takes enormous effort to inhale under the weight of the ache.

Everything is a reminder right now. My life has become a weird game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except my Heartache is what everything is connected to. Football. Movies. Books. Words. Quotes. Dates. Numbers. Passwords. It all pokes and pricks at me, reminding me of that which is making me sad. I’ll bet any one of you could throw some random word out in the comments and I could trace it back to my situation. Try it. Kumquat. Jiggy. Oyster. Steve. All those things? I can connect to my life in 6 degrees. Or less.

I guess I’m obsessing.

So, there are a lot of things I’m giving up, at least for right now, as I work on the process of stamping down the hurt and moving forward. But the one thing I will not give up? Not even for a minute?

Music.

I know you are all probably growing tired of hearing me go on about Zumba, but truly dancing has been my savior. The combination of the music and the sweat and the intensity and the endorphins is better than almost any of the meds I take for anxiety. At a time when all I have really wanted to do is shut the curtains and curl up in my bed wrapped up in my misery, I have continued to dance.

I have to. I’m the teacher now. I have to show up. I have to bring it. I have to inspire and entertain and motivate. I have to learn new music, and I have to keep pulling out the old favorites. I have to push through the ones that remind me. And I have to learn to love new songs that don’t. I have to work through emotions, swallow the lumps that rise in my throat, and put on a smile even when I want to cry.

I have to.

I have to keep dancing.

I don’t know how any of you feel about fate or destiny or stuff like that. But this whole becoming a Zumba instructor kind of came out of left field for me. It isn’t something I ever really aspired to do. I’m not the fitness instructor type. But there was something inside me, nudging me along, telling me I needed to do this.

Now I get it. Now I understand. Teaching Zumba is here to save me. To help me through the hard. To remind me that I’m strong. To keep me going when I want to fall apart.

I’m giving up a lot of things to Heartache right now. My bathtime. My former need for solitude. My peace of mind. But Heartache can’t have music. Heartache can’t have my dance. I’m keeping that. It will bring me back to happy. I’m sure of it.

"Zumbathon"

Me and all of the hotass Zumba instructors from the Y where I teach. We're on the red carpet at the Zumbathon.

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

MizFit October 31, 2011 at 5:42 am

Im so glad you have your ZUMBA.

We all need a Zumba.

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Donna October 31, 2011 at 6:28 am

Oh Sue … sending you all sorts of love & hugs. I’m so happy you’re focused on the positive. It doesn’t eliminate the negative, but it makes the negative so much easier to face. We’re all here for you. XO

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Laurie October 31, 2011 at 6:30 am

Heavy heavy. Thinking about you.

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Samantha C. October 31, 2011 at 7:42 am

Sending love and hugs to you.

Remember, Zumba is not just a “job,” It’s not just a “hobby.” Zumba is a family. Your students, and your fellow instructors, are there for you and care about you. The night I subbed for you because you were sick? Every one of your students wanted to know how you were and if you were ok. There’s love there!

I’m just a shout away if you need a sounding board. <3

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Coco October 31, 2011 at 7:52 am

About the only time I really listen to music is when I’m running. Sometimes knowing my playlist awaits is what gets me out the door. (((hugs)))

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Megan @mnmspecial October 31, 2011 at 9:35 am

The universe its an amazing place and we are lucky to have you in it shaking your groove thing! You do awesome stuff everyday that makes you strong even on those days you don’t feel it. Thank goodness for your Zumba! What an inspiration you are for dancing your way to health on all levels. Now let’s find you a good infomercial 🙂

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KCLAnderson (Karen) October 31, 2011 at 10:14 am

Wishing you much peace…and the ability to relax into the uncertainty…and as much music as you can listen to. Hugs.

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MMM/Fbbmomma (Micah) October 31, 2011 at 11:04 am

My heart aches for you too! I am sorry to hear that so much is going on right now. I send big hugs, and awesome Zumba moves your way! I am very thankful that you have zumba too!

Instead of “just keep swimming…just keep swimming” Its “just keep dancing…just keep dancing!”

Love you Mrs Fatass! 🙂

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Staci October 31, 2011 at 11:24 am

I so understand what Zumba brings to the soul. Sending you love and wishing for your happiness to return soon.

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Lena - @elenka29 October 31, 2011 at 11:49 am

I am going through some things myself – and I am giving you a medal for just getting up in the morning and making it through the day. All the other things – you deserve a golden star for that. XO

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deb roby October 31, 2011 at 3:29 pm

That’s the way the universe works. It gives us something that doesn’t appear important – that seems extra or superfluous- and later we discover it was our life saver -thrown out before we even needed it.

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chris October 31, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I had a friendship once. I ruined it during an argument. There was nothing I could do to get it back, in fact, anything I might say would simply diminish who I was. Because who I was, wasn’t something the other person liked. My very essence was offensive to her. That was hard. And it took a long time to get over. But one day I realized that it had to happen, it was necessary because as much as we liked each other..at heart we were just two people inhabiting a space that I saw as white and she saw as black. And talking around it bought us time, but in the end…it all came out. I wish we had been able to let go when we still respected each other. Every hard thing has an arc. I hope your pain dissipates soon.

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Heather October 31, 2011 at 3:40 pm

You have this amazing light inside of you, and I am so glad you’re still letting it shimmer. Even if it takes Zumba-ing until you fall over. Thanks for still coming around to keep us all smiling even when you’re clearly going through something big and tough and painful. You’ll get through it. You’re tougher than whatever life’s thrown at you. Sending eHugs.

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Jenn October 31, 2011 at 3:51 pm

You’re amazing. I had such an awesome time on Saturday and you inspired me to take the time at least once a week to have my Zumba time. *hugs* I hope your heartache goes away soon. You deserve all the happiness your heart can hold. Maybe we can put some bandaids on it. 🙂

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Anonymous October 31, 2011 at 4:37 pm

I want to make the sadness stop for you. You ARE strong. And you’re beautiful. Please don’t ever forget that.

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merri October 31, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Hugs sue for whatever youre going through. You look adorable in that photo. Two of the main things that help me when I’m upset or whatever (or even happy actually) are working out and music (the others being reading, writing, and my couple good friends). That’s one reason I love clubs so much, because I get to dance and listen to music on a very large scale. Once again, wish I lived closer to you so I could come to your class, im sure its really fun.

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Yum Yucky October 31, 2011 at 8:45 pm

I don’t know what going on, but I’ll be praying for you. And that’s not a cliche I just throw around at people who need healing (mind, body, whatever). When I say I’m gonna pray, you best believe I’m gonna do it, dammit. xo

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Drazil October 31, 2011 at 10:44 pm

This post made my heart sing. Because I heard the “old you” in it somewhere. The one I thought maybe was lost for good. But you’re still in here – in between the words – and the ache. Even in your deepest hurt – you inspire, amaze and keep on loving and learning. Thank God for you and for that. You show us all what it means to live dignified and classy – even in the face of pain. You’re going to be okay. Even when you don’t believe this or feel it – I believe it and feel it for you. xoxo

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Kyle November 1, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Through all your posts, one thing is certain…you are full of the light of life…it will shine through, you will never be lost…your own light will show you the way.

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