the one where Rocco DiSpirito retweets me

by MrsFatass on January 12, 2011

My first day of actual class ON CAMPUS was yesterday. First day of school!

Instead of being nervous about meeting new people, being the oldest one in the room, and lets be totally honest – leaving my Snuggie at home – I decided to do some Oprah-style visualization and see myself as Teacher’s Pet, Straight A Student, and Smarty Pants.

I planned to get everything together Monday night, but as it turns out, we were having some bad weather. Which meant that we got the call that Thing One had a two hour delay scheduled for Tuesday morning, Thing Two didn’t have school at all, and my campus was opening at 10.

Interesting.

This may come as a surprise to you, but I? Am not good with change. Or first days of school. Or basically anything that makes me have to leave my house and go out into the world to act like a sane person.

But I’m medicated now, so I thought to myself “Self? What do you say we try to navigate this off-kilter morning without any panic, shrill voice, or sweat?”

And my response to myself was “What the hell, let’s give it a go.”

So. I took a deep breath. And I sketched out a plan. I live and die by a plan. They make me feel safe. Not panicky. A little less crazy. So I made a plan. And then I got started.

Text Mrs. Tim ∙ Make Kids Breakfast ∙ Change over the laundry ∙ Check phone for response ∙ Take shower ∙ Start washing machine ∙ Fuss at kids for arguing ∙ Get dressed in something College Coed Chic ∙ Fuss at kids for not getting dressed ∙ Check phone again for response ∙ pack my lunch ∙ double check everything is still on a 2 hour delay ∙ Fuss at kids for sitting there quietly ∙ Apologize for the last fuss ∙ Hear the phone ring and make quick decision NOT to ignore it ∙ See it is Mrs. Tim calling about my text ∙ Breathe sigh of relief ∙ Get Thing Two to Mrs. Tim’s, Thing One to school ∙ Swing by Trophy Husband’s office to rob his wallet of it’s cash because I left the debit card on the kitchen table ∙ Got On The Road. 45 minute drive to campus.

And I made it. Executed beautifully and with an absence of sweat.

I was in town plenty early, and I pulled into Starbucks. I thought I’d run in and grab a skim iced chai latte (After I ask the calorie count , because I ALSO made a plan to keep track of such things) and double check the location of my class. I spoke briefly with Trophy Husband to let him know I survived the icy roads. I grabbed my cash and just my laptop – the easiest way to get on my school website to get class info – locked the car door and went in.

Me: Do you have the calorie counts for your drinks? (See? Still working the plan)
Starbucks Lady: Sure.

She pulls out and unfolds this enormous pamphlet with about a gazillion drinks, extra shots, and special orders on it, and together we look up my drink. 150 calories! I order it. She’s making it. I sit at the table and open up the laptop, find my building assignment, and make a mental note. I close it back up. I pay for my drink.

Still no sweat.

I pick up my coffee and my computer and turn for the door. And then? It hits me.

I don’t have my car keys.

**Cue the sweat.**

I locked my fricking keys in the car. AND my phone. AND my laptop cord. AND my purse. AND my lunch.

Holy crapballs.

So, I open the computer back up and email Trophy Husband. This is kind of a process because, even though he is the proud owner of a sweet new phone, he has not yet learned to use it. So, I Facebook him. I email and Facebook our neighbor. And I dig through archives of emails to see if I have his actual work email address (I did) and I try to get to him all while playing beat the clock with my crappy laptop battery that is draining a bit more quickly than I am entirely comfortable with.

And I get a napkin. For the sweat.

I then decide to reach out to my homies and I get on The Twitter.

@MrsFatass: Do I have any Greenville area Tweeps who own a slim jim and know how to use it?

Well. No luck. But lots of people chit chatted with me to help me pass the time. And it turns out the good Twitter friend of mine who got me in with Dr. Awesome was only 3 blocks away and was able to help me figure out where I was so I could email Trophy Husband who was finding me a locksmith.

And then it happened. It. IT. IIIIIITTTTTT.

Of COURSE I took a picture of it. Eventually.

Across my Tweetdeck I see that Chef Rocco DiSpirito? Has retweeted the link to my giveaway post. Holy Shitballs, I’m tweeting with my alternate! And my ever so eloquent response? @MrsFatass: OH MY GOSH ROCCO DISPIRITO JUST RETWEETED ME!

Cue the buckets. To catch all the sweat. Which is now dripping off of my forehead. Sexy, I know.

So, then I didn’t know what to do. I mean, seriously, what do you when the celebrity chef whose cookbook you’re doing a giveaway for and who ALSO appears on your List of Five as an alternate retweets the link to the giveaway post?

Thanks! @RoccoDispirito RT Hey Rocco, call me!  . . .

Smooth. I know, I’ve got a way with words I do.

And I begin to think “What if he is actually trying to call me?” and I panic. Both because I don’t have my phone AND becuase I have that weird phone phobia. And it doesn’t even dawn on me that he doesn’t have my number because anxiety is just not rational,  and I am so worried that I won’t be able to document this moment with a photo that I leave his Twitter page with ME on top up on the laptop until I get home so I am sure to be able to share this moment with all of you. And I begin to worry that if he DID read the post he’s pissed that he’s an alternate and not on the actual list, so should I go really quick and edit the post and make him number two? And by the way CAN SOMEBODY TURN DOWN THE HEAT? IT’S FLIPPING HOT IN HERE!!!!

Meanwhile, my battery continues to drain and I continue to have no idea when a locksmith is going to get here because Trophy Husband is doing the work of 3 people PLUS trying to save the day, and I can’t seem to make him understand that I am slowly losing touch with reality about to lose complete contact with him when the laptop dies.

Me: I need to know a timeline. What am I going to do when the laptop dies?
Him: I guess you’ll just have to plug it in
.

Really? Are you kidding me? WHAT PART OF I LOCKED MY ENTIRE LIFE IN THE CAR DIDN’T YOU UNDERSTAND????

Well. I eventually made him understand. And then? The laptop died. And there I sat. In Starbucks. In the window. Looking out at the rain. Slurping my straw and my empty cup. Looking for a locksmith truck. Missing my Blackberry. And sweating.

Eventually a guy named Duke or Devin or some D name like that shows up and in about point two seconds has me back in my car. I want to kiss him, but opt to shake hands. I get in the car and check my phone and no lie I have 47 unchecked emails and I’ve never been so happy. And I call Trophy Husband and apologize for the email yelling and I look at the clock and it’s 2:20. Class has ended. I missed my first class.

Or so I think.

Last night I got online to do a little homework and send an email to my professor and you know what? At some point during all that madness, the two hour delay was stretched til 4:00 PM. I didn’t miss class after all.

And that, my friends, is why I need drugs to stay sane.

PS: By the way, after all of that you may as well head over to the Rocco DiSpirito/MrsFatass MrsFatass/Rocco Dispirito Cookbook Giveaway extravaganza and enter for your chance to win Now Eat This!

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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Laurie January 12, 2011 at 9:07 am

My armpits are sweaty and my heart is racy as I read this. BUT YOU DID IT!!!
Aren’t meds wonderful? Not as wonderful as you, but pretty damn good.

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Kerri O January 12, 2011 at 9:07 am

LOL. I just love you. We are so the same sometimes.
I got retweeted on my real twitter by ali sweeney once. I was all excited.

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angela January 12, 2011 at 9:12 am

I seriously think you and I might have some sort of cosmic thing going with the anxiety, and with the locking the keys in the car. This is exactly something I would do, which is why I too always have a plan and my life crumbles when something like this happens and the plan goes out the window. Glad you didn’t miss your first class and congrats on the tweet from Rocco! 😉

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Tonyne @ Unlikely Success Story January 12, 2011 at 9:15 am

Wow. I am exhausted and freaked out just reading about your day! Well done lady! WELL DONE!

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Donna January 12, 2011 at 9:17 am

Wow! What a story. But just remember what Scarlett said, “tomorrow is another day.” You’ll do fine, I’m sure.

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Steve January 12, 2011 at 9:33 am

I was RT’d by two different former Biggest Loser contestants, and someone who had a story about him on CNN. I thought that was the coolest thing ever!

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Trish @I_am_Succeeding January 12, 2011 at 9:46 am

Quite the day you had there!!! Never a dull moment LOL

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Jen M. January 12, 2011 at 10:23 am

I love reading your posts!! I don’t really suffer with anxiety (more of a go with the flow kinda gal), but my sis does.. and not on meds! When she needs a dose of calm, she usually gives me a call.
I know who you feel getting locked out of the car… I was @ a car wash. Just wanted to give my car a quick vacuum before my class started. Im guessing at some point the vacuum hose touched the car lock button. About the same time I realized my phone was in the car.. here came the rain, and not just a sprinkle. One of those rains where you cant see 2 ft in front of you & winds of at least 60 mph…. I eventually made it to class, with my shoes sloshing and hair/clothes dripping!!

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lyndawithaY January 12, 2011 at 10:27 am

OMG, talk about the road to hell paved with good intentions! That’s when I ask the universe, “Really? REALLY??–Why must you keep TESTING me?” Phew. Sun comes up tomorrow, chance to try it again. Congrats for hanging in there.

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Kelley Reischauer January 12, 2011 at 11:25 am

Perhaps I need to be on a double dose of the meds you’re taking… since it looks like I’m going back to school, too, AND my reaction to life in general is pretty much exactly like your’s. Yay, Sue!!

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Lisa January 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I’d call that experience a win. Sounds like you handled it pretty darn well. The Rocco retweet? So, cool.

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Miz January 12, 2011 at 1:13 pm

yep yep yep SOO WORTH SQUINTING AT FROM MY PHONE and BREAKING my no blog reading after 7a rule 🙂

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Reinaldo January 12, 2011 at 1:22 pm

WOW. At least you can’t complain about having a boring life 😉

“And that, my friends, is why I need drugs to stay sane.”<– Priceless. It's also why we follow you 🙂

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Charlie January 12, 2011 at 1:38 pm

If it makes you feel any better, I am one of those people who lives and dies by the location of my keys. Usually, I am doing something really productive, lock myself out, and then have to call my family members to come bail me out. EVERY brother, sister and parent who lives in my community has a set of my keys (both car AND house). They require it of me every time I move or get a new vehicle. Mostly because they’ve met me. 😉
ALSO- I am the type of person who plays out conversations with famous people in my head LONG before I meet them or they call. (wait, they never call and never come to my podunk town.) Who cares if there is access to your phone number out there or not? We are all 7 steps from Kevin Bacon, wheither we know it or not. Life is funny like that, and I’d rather be prepared than make a big ole honking faux pas with a celebrity who could pimp my blog and help me be famous. (Just like Rocco did to YOU!!!)
FINALLY- I’m now giggling, because Rocco (because he isn’t busy at all) most likely read your blog, and being curious about his standing with the blogger community, read the comments. Pretty sure mine was his favorite. Now, both you and I are on his radar. AWESOME.

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chris January 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm

um, congratulations! lol.
about the rest I don’t know….that’s the brain of a complex, multi faceted woman right there. Glad Devin derbyshire showed up to let you in your car. And you weren’t stuck in purgatory forever.

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Ms. M January 12, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Wow! That’s quite the day!

In our house, Mr. Husband is the one with the habit of locking keys in the car. Last time he ended up having to spend HOURS on community transit coming home to get the spare set, WITH Young Sir in tow. Funny, its been a while… which means either its coming again soon or the bus with child in tow experience wasn’t for him, lol.

Congrats on surviving the day! Hope today is better. 🙂

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Rob Dyess January 12, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Love the way you tell a story!!!

Thanks!

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JourneyBeyondSurvival January 12, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Loves.

That took a lot of work. Because you kept going in spite of the crawling on your palms and palpitating heart. You are awesome!

Look at you using your skilz.

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Ash January 12, 2011 at 4:25 pm

I get a kick out of your blog damned near every time I read it for one reason or another. =) Sooo… I gave you a blogger award – it’s over on my most recent post. Enjoy!

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Susan January 12, 2011 at 6:20 pm

What an insane day! Great story, I was getting nervous for you reading it!

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Jeremy Logsdon January 12, 2011 at 7:12 pm

That was entirely too much stress for me to even read about!

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I'm Just Another Fat Girl January 12, 2011 at 9:00 pm

This made me lol. I may even have to repost to my fb fanclub. Of course, they’re probably your fanclub, too!

How was the first day of school?

-jafg

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Genevieve January 12, 2011 at 11:30 pm

First, I love plans. They make me feel safe and cozy and like I can actually kick some ass.
Second, it is always when things are going really well that I lock my keys in the car and the rest of my life with it. (Or when things go really bad too… There is no middle.) So I totally get that!
Finally, congrats on the Rocco RT and making it to class, all in all, I’d say it was a pretty successful day (if you take out the middle…) 😉

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Michelle January 14, 2011 at 5:36 pm

OMG!! You’re a HOOT!!! I just came over here b/c of Fitness Cheerleader’s post about people who motivate her (http://fitnesscheerleader.com/lazy/bloggers-that-motivate-me). I just started college as a freshman again back in August at the age of 35, so I wanted to check out your site since she said you were going back to school. Your Day 1 adventure was definitely interesting & you have a great way of telling it! My classes start next Tuesday. I’m nervous, but looking forward to it too. Last semester, I decided at the very last minute to go back to school, so I ended up with only one class on campus & 4 online classes. This semester, I have 5 classes at campus though, so I feel more like this is my first semester in a way since I really didn’t interact w/ many people with just one class on campus last time.

Anyway, my blog is http://www.momscholar.net/ if you want to check it out. Good luck w/ all your endeavors!!

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Marty J. January 16, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Found you on Results Not Typical through the comments…great blog! I would have taken a picture of the tweet, too. : O )

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