shut. the. door.

by MrsFatass on September 10, 2010

It’s already Friday! And another week of the Birthday Suckhole Extravaganza is coming to a close. You guys are really doing an amazing job for me with this whole suckhole thing. Impressive. I only wish birthdays came once a month instead of once a year. Up to bat today is the hotass behind It’s Just Me, Drazil, and Sheniqua. I don’t remember how or when I found her, I only remember that when I did? Life as I know it CHANGED. Sometimes this woman says things that make me truly think she lives in my brain. Scary thought, no? But other times she says things that make me so thankful she lives in my heart. After reading this post RUN DONT WALK over to her blog and get to know my friend Drazil.

In January of 2010, I began a blog. I had no idea what it would mean to my life or who I am as a person. I had no idea the people I would meet….and then call friends. I’m about to speak about one of those friends now…..a real life MF. No, no…not a Mother F***er like some of your dirty minds thought. I mean who goes on a friend’s blog as a guest speaker and whips out the biggest swear word of all time. Crap. I did, didn’t I?

Anywhoozle, I meant MF – as in Mrs. Fatass. As in My Friend. And now my honor to write for her birthday. Yes, folks….I have been sucked into the birthday fest. I suggest you tie yourself down or pretty soon you’ll be sucked in too. She’s got some kind of magic sucking power. Jesus. That sounded really wrong, didn’t it? This isn’t going how I planned.

Moving on – for me, Mrs. Fatass was an instant cyber friend. Like BAM – I feel like I’ve known her forever. Wanna know how we met? Oddly enough I did not find her, she found little ‘ol me. And my whootananny. Yes, again, for those of you who don’t know – that’s the code for a woman’s private part. Wow – three paragraphs in and every one of them has a nasty innuendo in it. Hmmm….no wonder MF loves me.

I did a blog about whootananny shaving that went waaaayyyy off course. Then later MF put up naked pictures of herself telling us all the secret to smooth whootanannies and a friendship was formed. Wow. Only on the internet right? I mean really – even God doesn’t know this much information about my private parts. Seriously, I can’t get in the bathtub for an exfoliation without thoughts of MF. It’s rather sadistic.

So began our love story….and can I just tell you how much alike we are? First off – we have semi-anonymous blogs. I have posted my face only twice and took the pictures down days later. You won’t see my face on my blog – or my kid’s faces. You don’t see this too much on MF’s blog either. We both use nicknames for our families. Most of my followers don’t know my real name. I do believe most of MF’s followers don’t either.

Her Trophy Husband is my Rambo (and I think they both have shaved heads). Her Thing One and Thing Two are my Watermelon and Banana. Her Mrs. Fatass is my Drazil.

Mrs. Fatass is an over-achiever and a self-proclaimed procrastinator. She is smart and witty and she writes like nobody’s business. I’d hate her for writing so well if I didn’t love her so much. I tend to be an over-achiever too…but I can’t write like her.

MF has some social phobias….and yah well, so do I. We’d like to meet some day but this is how I picture it going. I will drive to her house. Full of hives and my blood pressure skyrocketing I will sit in my car outside her house. MF will be inside biting her fingernails and wondering why in the hell she ever thought this was a good idea. I will sit my chubby ass out in the car. I will not go in. I would call her but I know she won’t answer cuz she doesn’t like to talk on the phone. Scratch that – I wouldn’t call her. I call no one. I hate talking on the phone. So I will sit – peeking into her house looking for movement or signs of life. She will peek out the curtains every once in a while and see me but she won’t come out. We’ll both poop our pants, scratch our hives and I’ll drive off into the sunset….ahhhh we’re such a happy pair aren’t we?

MF also has a child, like me – who shares some of our social anxieties and we both fear at our very cores that we can’t help them enough to bring them out of the shells we’ve both lived in for most of our lives. We are scared we caused this, scared we can’t fix it, scared they are too much like us.

MF and I can live guilt-free for days at a time without our children. We send them off to grandparent’s houses or sitters or to whoever will take them (we even rent them out) and shut the door behind them and dance and yell, “FREEE, I’M FREEEE!!” And even though alone time is a much sought after pastime – never doubt our capacity to love our children or the role of mother. It is our most exhausting, most frightening – yet most rewarding and life-altering job we take on – proudly…and to the best of our ability.

Sometimes we both kick ass on weight loss and not shoving Twinkies in our mouths. Sometimes we both kick ass on working out….sometimes we don’t. We both kick ass every day on writing our hearts out to become better people. We both love our followers.

Oh and lastly, the greatest lesson of all time and the greatest thing I’ve ever learned from MF is this…..take notice, listen up…this is gonna change your life. Shut.
The.
Door.
…..when you’re gonna partake in dessert. Yes, another code word – use your imagination.

MF was recently caught with her pants down (harhar) by her child….and though for her it must have been humiliating – to read the play by play was to die for. Until of course I go home and start freaking out about shutting the door, locking the door, being quiet, potty after dessert, etc etc. Now I can’t even have dessert without MF in my life. I think I need to start a therapy group.

MF is certainly amazing and though I have only known her for a short time….I know the quality of her character is one rarely seen. I’m still apalled that on top of all her stellar qualities she had the nerve to go and be pretty too. I mean enough is enough.

When she asked me to guest post – I actually thought maybe she had accidentally asked the wrong person. After confirming she really meant me….well, I simply felt honored. She’s one of a kind, top-notch, A-OK…..you get the picture, yes?

Believe it or not – she didn’t even pay me to say that.

You just can’t read her blog and not love her. Trust me….I tried to resist the suck-in-age and now look – I’m her freaking stalker….mmkkaayy?

I love you MF. Happy Birthday my dear friend. I wish you a day of baths filled with rainbow Skittles…..followed by wine and dessert with a smooth whootananny…..with the door shut of course.

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Miz September 10, 2010 at 5:23 am

I adore this as I, too, tried to resist the suckage and could not.
and as a result MF introduced me to YOU…whos bloggin I tried to resisteth and could not.

MrsFatass spreads the love.
but not the skittles.
she hoards the skittles 🙂

Miz.

Reply

Joanna September 10, 2010 at 6:18 am

What a great post!!! I took your advice and went straight over to follow Drazil.

I only hope that one day – I can reach the level of creativity and writing genius that you both have. 🙂

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L A U R A September 10, 2010 at 8:59 am

What a nice entry. I've had my blog since Jan 2010 as well, but it was more of a personal thing. It isn't until now that I'm just starting to communicate with other people who have lost weight. It's great to see that I'm not alone! I'm excited to see the other friends that I'll meet through this bloggin' thing. Have fun!

Reply

Angela Pea September 10, 2010 at 9:24 am

Whoot!! It's Drazil and Mrs. FatAss all in one…better than chocolate, almost better than dessert!

Happy, Happy Birthday!

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Lucas September 10, 2010 at 10:09 am

Just as good Draz. Just as good! Actually, scratch that. BETTER even! Own it kid. Own it and parade it around proudly. You are awesome. You did a fabulous job here. And I think…..(squints, tilts head, furrows brow)…are you getting…..TALLER???

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JourneyBeyondSurvival September 10, 2010 at 12:25 pm

I have a proposition…

No you filthy ladies. No. 🙂

I will be your mediator. At Fitbloggin.

Or at something of our own creation. I will run between your shells and crack them open. Because my inhibitions only kick in later…when you can both come save me from together. After I've crashed yours.

Please?

Reply

Jacquie September 10, 2010 at 2:07 pm

I found MF through Draz….as usual, this was a fabulous post by my friend Draz!

I love you both and Happy Birthday MF!

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Fat Daddy September 10, 2010 at 3:37 pm

These last couple days I feel like I've been given the keys to chick's world. BF stories, most embarrassing stories, and now hoo-hah/whotenanny and shut the door stories.

But they all make me laugh.

Let the suckhole filling continue.

Reply

Katie J September 10, 2010 at 4:08 pm

I have a girl crush on both of YOU!

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MommyNaniBooboo September 10, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Oaky, yay for me for clicking on your link and finding two loverly ladies!
Two for the price of one!
I'm crushing on you hardcore.

Reply

DiZneDiVa September 11, 2010 at 1:58 am

Yeah! Happy Birthday, MF… Draz did a great job Roasting you… and honoring you as your B-Day guest blogger…*Maria*-blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp…" Follow my journey at mybigfatbandgeeklife.blogspot.com

Reply

diane September 11, 2010 at 10:41 am

Great post! ………..AND now i know the secret to no more razor bumps too! Awesome. Going to buy the scrub mitt today. 😉
Happy Birthday. MF!!!

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Becky Johns September 11, 2010 at 11:25 pm

The perfect homage. Love it. Held my breath reading the post and links back and forth for 15 minutes. I need to exhale! lol Love you, mama!

Reply

Just Me September 12, 2010 at 2:29 pm

Love your blog…it's noted as one of my favourite blogs on my blog and Drazil too. Two very funny ladies that get their points across. Thank you both.

Reply

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