please be one of the good guys

by MrsFatass on August 5, 2010

Mrs Fatass (MF): Hey buddy. How are you?

Thing One (TO): (eyes down) Good.

MF: Sleep well?

TO: Yeah.

MF: You woke up last night. Do you remember that?

. . .

TO: (quietly) yeah.

MF: Do you have anything you want to talk to me about? You can ask me whatever you want.

Oh please say no oh please say no oh please say no.

TO: What were you doing?

Baby, your daddy and I love each other so much. We aren’t perfect, and we occasionally drive each other crazy and sometimes we have absolutely no idea how we made it this far. But you know what? God gave us a special way of being able to love each other that is passionate and amazing and is a thread that keeps us together even when the circumstances of life turn us totally upside down. And that gift, that special way of loving, is supposed to feel good, and give you safety and comfort and joy and pleasure unlike any other kind of love. And some day you’ll know exactly what I mean, even though you don’t now.

MF: Well, what did you see?

Oh please say nothing oh please say nothing oh please say nothing.

TO: (let’s just say he didn’t say “nothing”)

Holy Crapballs, boy, how long were you standing there?!

MF: And how did it make you feel?

Mortified? Like you wanted to poke out your own eyes?

TO: Kind of scared.

Just wait until you’re in my shoes. Scared doesn’t even begin to cover it.

MF: Okay. I’m glad you told me. Thing One, it’s nothing to be scared of. You know how we talk about how God has somebody special picked out for you to meet one day?

TO: Yes.

Actually, my boy, there will be several somebodies. Several opportunities for you to learn the hard way that love isn’t easy, or fair, or something you can come to selfishly. Women will disappoint you, and hurt you, and end up not being who you want them to be.

And you will probably do the same to somebody else.

It’s just the way of the world. You have to kiss a lot of frogs. Because, if you do, you’ll eventually find somebody who is everything you need them to be. Or at least pretty darn close.

MF: Well, not only does God have a special person, he has a special gift. A special way the two of you get to love each other. Daddy and I were just loving each other in the special way that God gave grown ups.

TO: Why do you do that?

It feels good. Better than good. When you’re with the right person, the feeling is indescribable. Emotion and sensation all wrapped up together in this one naked package. And you know what? It can also feel good when you’re with the wrong person. For a while anyway. One of life’s great mysteries, I suppose, the power of It Feels Good.

It’s my job to try to teach you to wait until you find a really really special somebody, but the truth is, you won’t. The power of It Feels Good will bring you to the right people, but it will also bring you to some wrong ones. You’ll learn the hard way that sex can mean everything and sex can mean nothing. Both are important lessons to learn.

MF: Well, you know how sometimes you want to give somebody a hug?

TO: Yeah.

MF: Why do you do that?

Sometimes you’ll want to do it because you’ll love somebody so much that it will be impossible to get close enough; it will be all you can do not to just consume each other completely. Other times you’ll do it because you’ll really want somebody to love you that way, but they won’t. Occasionally you’ll do it because you feel obligated, or bored, or sad. And once or twice you’ll probably do it just because you’re tired of being by yourself, and even being with somebody you don’t love is better than being alone.

TO: I hug you because I love you. I hug Yaya because I don’t see her very much. I hug Annie because she hugs me first.

There will always be girls who want to hug you first. Girls who will want so badly for you to love them that they will try and try and try to hug you. And if you hug them back, even though you don’t mean it? You will break their heart. Please, Thing One, please be one of the good guys.

MF: But you hug because you love. Because it feels good. And it makes the other person feel good.

The special hug isn’t all about you, by the way. But that is most definitely another conversation for another day. A conversation that will preferably happen between you and somebody that is not me.

TO: So you guys were just hugging? Kind of?

MF: Yep. A special hug. A private hug. We should have had the door closed. Sorry about that.

I can guarantee that mistake won’t happen again. Closed And Locked.

TO: It’s okay.

MF: Do you have any other questions?

. . .

TO: Why did it sound like you were sick?

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{ 64 comments… read them below or add one }

Miz August 5, 2010 at 5:29 am

no.
words.

(ok a few. you talented, Woman. I was right there with you cringe & squirming and laughing. on the inside. where it counts :))

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Marisa @ Loser for Life August 5, 2010 at 6:36 am

LOL!!! Poor guy may be scarred for life! 😉

I love that you had "the talk" with him and didn't leave him wondering. You handled it AMAZINGLY! I think he'll be A-okay 🙂

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Lanie Painie August 5, 2010 at 6:58 am

Good work, mama!

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Results Not Typical Girl August 5, 2010 at 7:00 am

Best. Post. Evah.
Love it. Love you. Love TO for hugging Annie back.

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Mishe@EatingJourney August 5, 2010 at 7:14 am

I love it. It's the right balance of everything. It's beautiful, funny, a little uncomfortable and a good remind to all of us.

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Mrs. Sheila August 5, 2010 at 7:34 am

I remember when my oldest busted us. She was about four or so. She had her hands on her hips and looked into her daddy's eyes and very sternly said " WHAT are you doing to my momma?" LOL… So he without cracking up said "I'm tickling her!". LOL …. she thought that sounded like fun and decided to try to join us! We have never forgot to shut the door again!

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JourneyBeyondSurvival August 5, 2010 at 7:53 am

Yeah, I read a thing on kids that age. Standing and watching for a while. That's why I really kill the mood when I suddenly realize the door is wide wide open. Yeah, it's bad.

You ARE very talented. Yes. You are indeed. I cringed. I winced. I laughed.

If I'd seen you in person, I would have done a spit take and laughed till I cried. I miss you.

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Anjali August 5, 2010 at 8:38 am

Love it!

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Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" August 5, 2010 at 8:55 am

Priceless!!!!!!!

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Fat Daddy August 5, 2010 at 8:55 am

Oh boy! Although your hypothetical talk was so much more eloquent, and thorough, the one you actually did give was about as best as can be done, and much more his speed.

Don't you just love the awkward parts of parenting?

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Lucas August 5, 2010 at 9:01 am

Sweetheart,
The way you write, how you mixed your conversation with him with the one in your head, even a non-parent can participate meaningfully in that with you. You are so truly gifted. I hope you know that. I hope you carry that around with you all day every day. I hope you hug it as tightly as you do your kids. You are amazing. Truly. 🙂 Thanks for sharing.

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Joanna August 5, 2010 at 9:30 am

Wow, it was like I was there with you!! I could feel the awkwardness, shared the same inner feelings you had, and think you did a fantastic job of explaining.

He's going to be just fine – and like you locking the door from now on, I think he might think twice before getting up in the middle of the night…LOL

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Erin August 5, 2010 at 9:36 am

Sex = a special hug. Got it. 😉

Just so you know, I'm totally 'borrowing' that line for if and when I have to address a similar situation…

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Pamela E. Williams August 5, 2010 at 9:49 am

WOW!! Thats all I can say, wow!

giggles, I'm sorry to laugh but I can't imagine going through this. You did a great job explaining.

My favorite line:

"Why did it sound like you were sick"

Kids say the darndest things

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Scrumpy August 5, 2010 at 9:56 am

I'm glad I never walked in on my parents. Of course, the fact that my dad is gay might have something to do with that…

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Laurie August 5, 2010 at 10:01 am

OMG!!!! I am blushing. Now I know more things about you, no not that you sound like you are sick when you are doing the nasty, but that you are an amazing mom. Not that I didn't know, but this just hit the nail on the head.
Daddy and I were just loving each other in the special way that God gave grown ups. I love that….grown-ups mean past high school, right? Tell that to me teenage clients!!!

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Kyle Gershman August 5, 2010 at 10:29 am

And someday you can remind him how amazing it is that you still have special hugs after having kids! At least you didn't tell him it was business time.

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Kimberley August 5, 2010 at 10:31 am

*Like*

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Two Fat Girls Take Umbrage August 5, 2010 at 10:43 am

This interaction/blog was priceless. You are so real and funny! Jo

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Donna August 5, 2010 at 10:44 am

OMG, still laughing. I walked in on my parents twice. My first thought was "Oh God, strike me blind." Quickly followed by, "Wait! I take that back! I don't want this to be the last thing I remember seeing!"

Ahhh … a rite of passage has occurred. For both of you.

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Connor's Mom August 5, 2010 at 10:47 am

I loved every word of this post. I'm going to take some snippets and jump back over here so my son can read it some day.

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Becky Johns August 5, 2010 at 11:03 am

Well, done, sister! I got nothing to add, except this: JUST KEEP DOING MORE OF THAT! You'll make it fine all the way through the teens. Trust me. You played it like a pro! And, by the way, why DID it sound like you were sick?!?! LOLOLOLOLOL No! No! Don't tell me. I'm just kidding! 😉 Love you, sister. xoxoxo B.

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Morgan August 5, 2010 at 11:25 am

Ohhhh, so funny. To me, not to you. Yet. You did better than I would have, though. The one time that I was supposed to have locked the door, apparently I didn't actually achieve the locking – thought I did, but no. My 5 year old son walked in after we were done, but still there naked together. Luckily when we asked him later about it, he said just wanted to ask if he could go outside. (Obviously the sight of us naked together wasn't wonderful enough to leave an impression.) I am no longer the one who locks the door.

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TJ August 5, 2010 at 11:26 am

whew! you handled that extremely well! lol

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I'm Just Another Fat Girl -jafg August 5, 2010 at 11:33 am

Thanks for the follow-up! I've been dyin to know how Things turned out.

-jafg

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Kristin August 5, 2010 at 11:35 am

You couldn't have had a more perfect response. Well done, Mom.

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juliejulie August 5, 2010 at 11:38 am

Ah, so you did set up the sex station…you forgot the lock on the door?

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Christine August 5, 2010 at 11:49 am

OMG I love this post so much!

I remember the day I said, "MOM. WE NEED TO TALK." I made her take me to Burger King and I said, "Hey, some kids are talking about STUFF. And I don't understand. We need to talk about this STUFF."

I remember my mom giving me all this gobbly gook about needing a special person and "only when you're married" and something about making babies and…well, it didn't add up at all. And I was like, "So you want another baby?" (Morified!!) to which she said "no" and so I said, "So why were you DOING IT THEN?!"

And I totally remember her looking like a deer caught in headlights and finally sputtering out, "Because it's FUN!"

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Cassie August 5, 2010 at 12:02 pm

Oh.My.Gawd

I don't even have children and I would be mortified! But like everyone else has said, you handled it so well!

I love the last line, that cracks me up!

I agree, best post evah!

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MaryFran August 5, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Fabulous job!

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Pubsgal August 5, 2010 at 2:08 pm

Wow-o-wow! What a fantastic work of parenting, let alone writing! (And oh, if this ever happens to us, I know just where to look for a refresher on how to handle it. Thank you!!!)

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Salina Lyn August 5, 2010 at 2:15 pm

Ah….now I get it. After all these years it finally makes sense to me. Thanks MF. 🙂

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Miranda August 5, 2010 at 2:45 pm

This is hilarious!!! And it's so cool that you can be so open so that other moms can rest assured they're not alone. I actually had a similar situation happen to me recently only my son is twelve so I'm pretty sure he knew what was going on. Definitely awkward.

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Jenn August 5, 2010 at 2:58 pm

This is an awesome post. I totally feel you – I love the internal monologue you were thinking as you were talking to him.
Oh the fun of being a parent!!! I think you did a great job talking to him about it – I think I would have stammered myself into a coma.

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Skyler Meine August 5, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Here is for hoping that mom has to have that conversation with the kids and not dad.

Great post. Uncomfortably personal but interesting.

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Ryan @NoMoreBacon August 5, 2010 at 3:22 pm

I'm creating a specialized batcave-like fortress dedicated 100% to "hugging time." I have nooo idea how I'd handle that. Well, hopefully I'd just let Mrs. NoMo handle it.

In any case, you handled it beyond well.

Why did you sound like you were sick?

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Christie O. August 5, 2010 at 3:29 pm

Quite possibly one of the best posts I have ever read in my life. Hilarious and sensitive and squirmy all in one. Brilliant! I think I even followed you on the google friend connect twice because of it. i'm not sure.

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Emilia August 5, 2010 at 5:18 pm

A.Freaking.Mazing lady. You handled it fabulously and I really have to agree with everyone else, this was a more than great post.

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Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit August 5, 2010 at 5:27 pm

Why DID it sound like you were sick?

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workout mommy August 5, 2010 at 6:45 pm

omg. hilarious, sick, and sad all at the same time! (not necessarily in that order!) the last line make me laugh out loud. (for real, not just in the lol way!)

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Tonyne @ Unlikely Success Story August 5, 2010 at 7:47 pm

Brilliantly written and job well done. Thank you for sharing it with us. 🙂

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Suzanne August 5, 2010 at 7:50 pm

Just spit water all over my keyboard.

You get the best post ever award!

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Katie J August 5, 2010 at 7:53 pm

I felt like a fly on the wall watching your conversation with TO Sue! Your writing ability is phenomonal!

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Georgia August 5, 2010 at 9:52 pm

HAHAHA….love it!! Thnaks for brightening my day!

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Tami August 5, 2010 at 10:21 pm

OMG! Where were you when I needed this information?

You are amazing!

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AmeyinIdaho August 6, 2010 at 12:13 am

"Baby, your daddy and I love each other so much. We aren’t perfect, and we occasionally drive each other crazy and sometimes we have absolutely no idea how we made it this far. But you know what? God gave us a special way of being able to love each other that is passionate and amazing and is a thread that keeps us together even when the circumstances of life turn us totally upside down. And that gift, that special way of loving, is supposed to feel good, and give you safety and comfort and joy and pleasure unlike any other kind of love. And some day you’ll know exactly what I mean, even though you don’t now."

I love love love this!! Nobody could have described making love better….seriously, it made my eyes well up.

Incidentally…one night we heard my oldest (who was 10 at the time) yell 'Stop hurting my mom'. I should say that in no way was I being hurt, just a little vocal and I guess he didn't know what reason I would be making 'those' noises. Since then I have learned to be more quiet. LOL

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Reinaldo August 6, 2010 at 12:17 am

OMG… Just OMG… "And why was Dad crying afterwards?".. OMG… *goes suck his thumb in the corner*

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Irene August 6, 2010 at 6:33 am

I'm never having sex with hubby again.

*completely appalled.*

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Deb August 6, 2010 at 7:35 am

Great job Mom! 5 stars.

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Gules August 6, 2010 at 9:02 am

Ok,that is the most amazing and uncomfortable experience and you handled it magically! I don't have kids but I know I will dread the day when I'll have to " have the talk". Truth is, my parents never said anything so in a way that makes me responsible so that my daughter doesn't think that every time she has sex she's pregnant…that was a nice lesson to learn all by myself! I love the insights you expressed while waiting for Thing One to talk and I think so many people are with you. Bravo!!! Job well done 🙂

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McCulley's August 6, 2010 at 9:31 am

You have set the stage for "the talk" with my kiddo thank you really I am so excited I have thought about the best way to put it into words that describes it right and you my dear blogger goddess have done it!

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Kimberly Henrie August 6, 2010 at 9:45 am

Wonderful post! Handled beautifully 🙂

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jeepjenn August 6, 2010 at 10:16 am

Wow! Great job! That is a conversation I NEVER HAVE TO HAVE…but I did think you made it as unscarey as anyone could!!!

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Tanya August 6, 2010 at 12:05 pm

LOL…oh this brings back memories. Our daughter walked in on us one time–don't remember how old she was–but she started crying thinking daddy was hurting me. I've learned to be quiet.
http://tanyah66.blogspot.com

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katrina August 6, 2010 at 12:30 pm

How very funny……you really made me smile xx

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Muffin Top August 6, 2010 at 2:08 pm

Oh Lawdy! That was hillarious! I would write more, but I have to go change my pants now 😉

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lilly August 6, 2010 at 6:28 pm

blimey. i'm pretty sure youve just put me off kids so i never have to have that chat. almost 😀

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Ice Queen August 6, 2010 at 6:53 pm

I am laughing with you.

Been there.

Done that.

Had the conversation.

*thud*

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Rebecca August 6, 2010 at 7:51 pm

When my son (4 at the time) walked in on us, he didn't ask what we were doing. He just said "Mom, why are you making that noise?" O. M. G. Locks activated during Business Time from there on out.

Great post!

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cmoursler August 7, 2010 at 4:26 am

well handled…but, allow me to
snort, giggle and snicker.
'why did it sound like you were sick"
good question.

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Drazil August 7, 2010 at 10:23 am

Amazing…simply amazing. I don't know how you do it but you always say just the right things….and always prompt me to be a better mom. Translation = I will never not shut the door ever again.

I saw this with my own parents – many times – my eyes burned for days. It scarred me forever. Wowswer….thanks for making me remember…lol.

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Michelle August 7, 2010 at 5:38 pm

Note to self, definately make sure the door is shut!! So glad I did not have to have that conversation. Sounds like you handled it well. Mich x

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MMM August 10, 2010 at 3:17 pm

I can not believe that I missed this post!!! I had to take a few days off…some stuff was going on. But I am glad I went back and caught up!

WOW!!!!

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DiZneDiVa September 11, 2010 at 2:02 am

I'm speechless and hilariously laughing at the same time… Adorably funny! *Maria*-blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp…" Follow my journey at mybigfatbandgeeklife.blogspot.com

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