the bikini promise

by MrsFatass on July 29, 2010

I’ve heard from a few of you lately about my bikinis.

Thankfully, critics of my choice to not only wear, but post pics of me wearing 2 piece bathing suits this summer have to this point remained quiet. But I have heard a few of you have say something to the effect of Well, I’d never wear one but you look great! Which, after sufficient analysis (read: obsessing) made me wonder if it is a bit like what we do when we taste something icky (ewww, this is gross, taste this!) or smell something rotton (I think this milk has spoiled, smell it!)

Parenting 101 tells us that our daughters don’t hear the compliments we bestow on them nearly as loudly as they hear our critical comments to ourselves. And I’m not gonna lie; I have heard some of that Good For You! But I Could Never Do It! to sound a little bit like Hey, Don’t You Know Your Name Is MrsFatass?! Easy on the skimp! Thus I am deep in thought about my decision to wear a two piece.

Until this summer, I have only ever owned one:

That is indeed a Swatch on my wrist, for those of you doing the math and calculating that I was sixteen in the eighties.

See that girl? That’s the sixteen year old version of MrsFatass. She thought she was a total moocow. She thought her thighs were too thick and her belly too soft and her boobies too big for any type of skimpy outfit, much less that bikini.

In fact, if memory serves, that day was the one and only time she ever wore that bikini anywhere except laying out in her own backyard. Alone.

So, fast forward about twenty years to THIS summer. My summer of the two-piece bathing suit:

See? I ALWAYS stand with my legs crisscrossed. Always.

I look nothing like the girl in the first picture. My hair has silver sparkles, my eyes have some lines around the edges. My belly is still soft from the carrying of babies, and my thighs are still thick. And? I’ve got a good 50-60 pounds on the 16 year old me.

But I told myself I was going to wear one this year. Granted, I was expecting by this point to be at some mythical goal weight that would be the remedy for my physical insecurities. Instead I’m still in the same package, albeit one that can now rock out an hour of CARDIO daily. And since I didn’t bail on that promise to myself, how could I bail on the bikini promise?

The answer to that is simple. I couldn’t. I don’t bail. I do what I say I am going to do.

In the year since starting this blog, I have focused a lot of effort on getting comfortable again. Comfortable in my skin, no matter what the size. Comfortable in my life, no matter where I hang my hat. Comfortable with reinvention. Comfortable living a life in my discomfort zone, void of all complacency. And self-doubt. And sloth.

I have thrown myself into some pretty ridiculous situations to test that comfort with myself. Got the hoohah waxed. Joined a gym and went spinning. Enrolled in Nursing school when even those people who were supposed to be closest to me questioned that decision. Told people with a straight face that I am, indeed, a writer.

So, why not wear a frickin’ two piece bathing suit? I mean, it’s not like it’s my pants size that defines how I’m going to look in the thing. It’s my attitude. My confidence. If I put it on and then apologize to the world for wearing it? Well, that gives the world a lot of room to be cruel.

But if I put it on and allow it to release the hotass inside? Then that is who you are going to see.

Months ago I wrote this post about looking at a picture of myself and being struck by the fact that it was the real me beginning to reemerge. And you all? You encouraged me to keep that photo close. That looking at it would keep all those negative inner voices at bay.

I have also written a post about seeing myself in a video and being dumfounded by the fact that I, MrsFatass, was the actual fat chick on the screen.

The difference in those two visuals was not my body, because truly my size and shape did not change. The difference was my attitude. The difference was me feeling confident and loved and desired in the first photo, and feeling awkward and insecure and ugly in the second. I felt good about the first photo and didn’t need anybody to validate me. But the second? I waited and waited for that validation to come. And it never did.

You know what? I choose confident. Because without that, even a size 6 looks bad.

You can, too, you know. You can do one bold thing today, push one boundary or make one choice just because you choose confident. The question is, are you going to?

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{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }

Miz July 29, 2010 at 5:55 am

this sentence had me nodding and saying HELL TO THE YES!!

I choose confident. Because without that, even a size 6 looks bad.

when I met my nowhusband I was the most fit Id been in my life.
YOUNG 🙂 lean tight blather blather.

that said, when he shared with me what first made me catch his eye guess what he said?

(and yeah initially I was…saddened he didnt say my booty :))

HOW I WALKED.

HOW I CARRIED MYSELF.

youre so so right, OH WISE MRSFATASS.

(is this our joint post idea?)

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F. McButter Pants July 29, 2010 at 6:47 am

What a great post. I love the quote "Attitude is more important than fact." This weight loss thing more about that then it is about food or exercise. When my attitude about myself changed, my behaviors changed. I am convinced of that.

You are truly a hotass!

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Mishe@EatingJourney July 29, 2010 at 7:01 am

I, today, started to actually realise that it has NOTHING to do with what size I am. Rather the size, shape, movement of my spirit ozzing our of my pours. That is what i am going to focus on..and that's the promise I make to myself.

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JourneyBeyondSurvival July 29, 2010 at 7:06 am

rightthissecond you have exactly 600 followers. I'm sure that won't last for long as it's sure to go up in a few milliseconds. So I thought I'd point that bit of awesomeness out.

More importantly, you have been one of my favorite and well versed teachers in this subject. I love you for it. You are the Jedi Master. I will do Yoda. There is no try.

*is it dorkier that I said that, or that I google checked to make sure it was right?*

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Skinny Sushi July 29, 2010 at 7:19 am

You look AMAZING. Period. Just amazing. I want to know where you got your suit! I have secret intentions of buying a two piece to wear in Florida in September.

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Jacquie July 29, 2010 at 7:28 am

You look great and act like you look great….we can all take example of this.

Many times I've seen someone wear something such as a two piece or shorts or whatever, and I'd think "good for her…I wish I had her confidence to wear that". I'm getting there….little by little, I am letting go and feeling better about myself and I am gaining the confidence to 'strut my stuff'!

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Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) July 29, 2010 at 7:29 am

You rocked that bikini! Head up, shoulders back, beautiful body…there's nothing sexier than that!

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lorrie July 29, 2010 at 7:46 am

you look good in your swimsuit the last time iw ore a swimsuit was to a waterpark in middle school on a class trip haven't worn one since

have a great summer and keep up the confidence

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Jody July 29, 2010 at 8:37 am

You have a wonderful confidence and you are absolutely right about it making a world of difference.

I love your honesty (although I often question my own when posting).

Ah self doubt… we have to constantly have to beat that f**ker down 🙂

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Angela Pea July 29, 2010 at 8:57 am

Whoot! You so totally rock.

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fitarella July 29, 2010 at 9:19 am

I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU

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Jennifer Y July 29, 2010 at 9:20 am

I just wanted to say thank you for posting this! I definitely struggle with self image and I definitely need to learn to be confident no matter what the scale says. And girl, you are rocking that bikini!

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BK July 29, 2010 at 9:25 am

Ok go ahead and change your name to Mrs. SexyAss cause you are WEARING THAT SUIT!!! ^5. Oh and about the actual content of this post.. 🙂 as usual you are right on.. thank you because confidence is sexier than any "size" out there.. Smuah!

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Suzanne July 29, 2010 at 9:26 am

"I choose confident. Because without that, even a size 6 looks bad."

Truer words have never been spoken.

I think you look fantastic in your 2 piece. No caveats, just fantastic!

Thanks for keepin' it real. You always know what to say!

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Kyle Gershman July 29, 2010 at 9:37 am

I'm always seeking comfort…I'm getting there, but being comfortable (though not having to be complacent) with our present self is very healthy. Living in the moment. Now, that is a peace I can get my arms around.

Oh…can boobs really be too big for skimp?

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HealthyLoserGal July 29, 2010 at 9:41 am

Love that you don't bail on yourself! This post of your's really has left an impression on me, thank you!

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Connor's Mom July 29, 2010 at 9:47 am

First time reader (and now follower!) and I am so glad I came over.

GOOD FOR YOU, for knowing who you are and for rocking it.

Go on with your bad self you HOT mama, you. Don't ever apologize.

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Annabel @ www.FeedMeImCranky.com July 29, 2010 at 9:52 am

1. you are flippin' fabulous
2. i love this post
3. i think my mantra is now going to be "without confidence, even a size __ looks bad" — you're SO right!

LOVE THIS and YOU!

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Joanna @ landanimal.wordpress.com July 29, 2010 at 9:53 am

I love this post. I spent my whole life avoiding beaches and pools bc I didn't want to wear a bathing suit. I recently lost about 30lbs and was struck when insecurities remained surrounding my bikini. Loving yourself and being confident are truly hard goals. I am working on shutting down the negative thoughts that I have about myself. I admire your strength and courage. You look amazing 🙂

Also, Jezebel has a great post on bikinis that you might like
http://jezebel.com/5592928/the-iron+fisted-tyranny-of-the-bikini-body

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Kendra July 29, 2010 at 9:53 am

I feel like saying "Im a Long time listener and first time caller." lol I honestly felt inspired, hopeful, and just screaming YES THIS IS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT!!! How many of us can relate to not seeing who we were when we are younger, and then realizing it is all about feeling comfortable with who we are – no matter what we look like. I honestly am inspired. great post. I cant say how much this touched me.

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TJ July 29, 2010 at 10:15 am

whoohoo HOT MAMA! 🙂 I think you look good! I think you pull it off because it accentuates "the girls" lol I am smaller on top so if I put a bikini on all eyes would be at my THIGHS. lol Oh well!

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Elisabeth @ joggerslife.com July 29, 2010 at 10:38 am

I just fell in love with you again. I mean…I never fell out of love with you, but now I love you more. That bikini is going to look frickin awesome on our NKOTB cruise. =)

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MaryFran July 29, 2010 at 10:47 am

Soo utterly true. Confidence is all that matters!

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KatDoesDiets July 29, 2010 at 11:13 am

The question is am I going to? Good question. My goal this weekend is to wear a bathing suit…any bathing suit. And it scares the hell outta me.
You look fantastic, don't let comments wig you out.

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Jenny July 29, 2010 at 11:23 am

You look fantastic and I LOVE this post. I agree with you 100% Attitude has everything to do with it. I feel the same way. When you're attitude is positive, you carry yourself differently and *know* you look/feel good. When your attitude is negative, you don't feel as confident and look to others for approval…

So true… so very. VERY true.

Thanks for posting!!

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Kendra July 29, 2010 at 11:26 am

(Not the same Kendra as above)

Confidence is something that I've been thinking about for the past few weeks. I'm not terribly self confident despite the fact that I exude it pretty darn well. It's the actress in me.

My spurts of confidence are starting to get longer and I'm starting to actually like myself so I'm certainly making progress.

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juliejulie July 29, 2010 at 11:31 am

This is a fabulous picture, and an inspiration! I keep thinking I'm more confident than ever, but still uncomfortable in a swimsuit, and I'm tired of it. I'm a swimmer, too, so you'd think I'd get used to. Maybe I'll try to find a bikini and wear it now, not let it sit in my drawer for a mythical "some day" to arrive.

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marzipan July 29, 2010 at 11:32 am

You are such a HOTTIE. I loved this post : ) xoxox

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creatingsarah July 29, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Amen, sistagirl. AMEN!

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KCLAnderson (Karen) July 29, 2010 at 1:33 pm

You're HOT that's all there is to it! And hot is not a specific size or a specific weight…

I actually did an experiment once. After I lost a lot of weight I noticed that I was getting more attention and I KNOW it was mostly because of the way I felt about myself and the way I carried myself. Then I regained some weight and felt like poop again. But over the past year I've really come a long way in that department really love who I am. So. Here's what I did. One day when I was feeling really fantastic, I put on a simple dress, some nice sandals (that click when I walk ;-), and a necklace. I put on just a little makeup and went shopping. I walked tall and had a smile in my eyes. I had people commenting on my dress, holding doors open, and so on. The next day, I put on the very same outfit and did the same thing, except I slouched a little and kept my head down. No smile in my eyes. No attention. No comments. No doors. Amazing.

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Amy Clark July 29, 2010 at 2:08 pm

You don't know what this did for me. Thank you thank you thank you. You are amazing!!

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jesseybell July 29, 2010 at 2:15 pm

Fairly new to your blog.

You look awesome! Confidence is everything. The only 2 pieces I've worn in a while were my maternity ones which I finally threw out (6 months after last DC was worn) because the boobs were falling out (due to deflation). I also want to get back into one someday. Maybe that someday will be sooner than I thought. Why wait until goal when I've got 50 lbs to go?!

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Chibi Jeebs July 29, 2010 at 2:29 pm

First, I was loving you for this:
"I don’t bail. I do what I say I am going to do." (Well, first I was loving you for NOT bailing AND posting it on the interwebz… 😉 ).

Then, I was loving you for this:
"I choose confident. Because without that, even a size 6 looks bad."

However, I just love you, period. 🙂

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Girl_In_The_Fatsuit July 29, 2010 at 2:56 pm

It's soo true, confidence can change anything! Confidence is attractive. Even a trip to the hairdressers can do wonders to your confidence. Keep it up girlie and wear that 2 piece more often! 😀

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Anjali July 29, 2010 at 3:27 pm

And here's the thing…

You DO look great in the two-piece. And I'm not referring to the first one.

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Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit July 29, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Seeing that first pic, I'm about 80% certain that I took you to the Homecoming Dance. Sorry about the corsage btw… how could I know that it was poison ivy?

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Superwoman Spirit July 29, 2010 at 4:37 pm

You always exude confidence to me. Way to go on keeping the promise to yourself. I have never once owned a 2 piece and actually do not have a photo of me in a swim suit because I have never found what you have. Anytime I see a real woman in a 2 piece I think wow I wish I had the same confidence. Way to go!

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SeattleRunnerGirl July 29, 2010 at 5:35 pm

I LOVE this post. I HATE reading about people who wait for EVERYTHING in life "until I lose the weight." You ARE beautiful, and you totally rock that two-piece. And I am totally rocking clothes (sleeveless tops, sundresses) that I've heard people say the same thing about, "Good for you, I could never do that." You know what? We ALL can. And if we start feeling better and at home and LIKE ME in our skin NOW? Well, guess what…we'll start treating that skin/body/self better, too.

So AMEN to choosing confidence!

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Building Blocks Bootcamp July 29, 2010 at 5:37 pm

It's so easy for us (adults) to comprehend the meaning of your post. I just wish my 14yr old daughter would grasp that meaning! I am struggling with her about her confidence now…it is NOT easy!

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Miss Mary July 29, 2010 at 6:16 pm

All I can really say is "Work it Girl" Confidence is incredibly sexy. You need to quit calling yourself MRSFatass becuase you are MRSHotass. Own it. I dont know one grown man who would want to bang bones when they could have a confident woman. 😛

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sarah July 29, 2010 at 6:20 pm

WOOHOO!! Way to go HOTASS!! I love this! I wish I had the confidence you did! Honestly! Awesome!!

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Merri July 29, 2010 at 6:25 pm

Oh yay a kid picture of you! You thought your breasts were too big when you were 16? Didn’t all teens WANT big breasts? Or, maybe that's my projection, as a small chested woman who was also a small chested teen. I didn’t really have any girlfriends to gossip with about that stuff but from reading books I thought other teens did.
I think you look great and happy in your new bathing suit, Confidence is key, youre right. The Sunday before last I was at a friends pool party in san diego and sitting on a beach chair not really knowing anyone, and hating my bikini because I felt like the lower half was exposing way too much. So I was lying there with my cover up dress over my crotch. Lol. I was super embarrased and comparing myself to stranger girls walking by who had been smart enough to buy one of those scarf things they wear over their bottom half. Anyone who can feel confident in just a bikini has really won the battle with being comfortable with herself. Congrats!! 🙂 (speaking of bikinis, im trying for bikini shopping this wkend…again.)

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Sooze July 29, 2010 at 6:28 pm

you are awesome – to the nth degree! Love it!

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Pubsgal July 29, 2010 at 6:56 pm

You go, girl! You absolutely rock that bikini!

This post made me want to run out and buy a bikini and WORK that sucker. But, um, I have no idea where to find one that would support "the girls." They deserve it. Any suggestions about where I should look?

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Holistic Health Coach-Tri Mom July 29, 2010 at 8:10 pm

oh wise one, you are so right. Confidence is key. And you look amazing in both of those bikinis…

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Rebecca July 29, 2010 at 9:29 pm

You TOTALLY rock the bikini!

HOTASS!

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Ninnles July 29, 2010 at 10:01 pm

Hell yeah! You rock!

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Laurie July 29, 2010 at 10:53 pm

You are a freaking writer, and a writer in a bikini at that, and a writer in a bikini that's going to be a nurse!
How can you go wrong there? Hot mama rides on!!

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Lanie Painie July 30, 2010 at 7:41 am

Just now found you and wish I had known about you for-evah! Love the 'kini. You really wear it well. Curvy girls are the IN! You're a true beauty.

Putting you on my blogroll for sures!

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Lucas July 30, 2010 at 8:38 am

Holy Comments Fatass! Whoa! I guess your biz in a bikini brings em all out, eh? 🙂 You ARE a total hottie, you ARE a writer and it IS all about the 'tude!

You know, I get the feeling that someday this blog will be supporting you and yours in the lifestyle to which you will eventually become accustomed to. Or at the very least, BOOK!!!

And I'll get to say I knew you when you were just an anonymous little fatass!

And finally, I think looking back at old photos where I look amazingly young and hot and awesome, and remembering how I felt like at the time like an ugly, fat pig, is such a wonderful thing because it reminds me today that when I'm feeling like an ugly, fat pig, I should just give myself a break because when I'm 60, I will look back on the pics from today and think "Wow! What a total hottie!" You were a hottie then and you are a hottie now, and so was/am I!

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Joanna July 30, 2010 at 8:59 am

I just have to say WOW!! What an inspiring post. You have given me a new challenge…one that I will uphold. I am one of those people that swore I would NEVER again wear a 2 piece bathing suit. I bought one this year..but when it's on, it fits like a 1 piece..cheating, I know. My new challenge is that when I go bathing suit shopping next summer.. I'm getting a REAL bikini!! Oh yeah…that's right. Thank you for the wonderful words of inspiration!!

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kristi July 30, 2010 at 10:22 am

Looove it. That is how I feel too.

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Becky Johns August 1, 2010 at 2:13 am

Love this. You got guts, girl. Bold. Very bold. Seriously. How much do I love you!?! xoxoxoxoxox B.

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Kimberly Henrie August 9, 2010 at 10:02 am

All I can say is Amen and Amen!

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