hello kitty, part two

by MrsFatass on June 21, 2010

Those of you who have been here a while will surely remember the discussion we started a while back about waxing. Actually started by Drazil, who almost castrated herself shaving her Down Under, and rippling through both the blogosphere AND the twitterverse, it was a hootenanny freeforall with everyone giving their two cents on how to make our ladyparts as smooth and hairless as – well – something smooth and hairless and free of red razorbumps. What would that be? A billiard ball?

Yeah, well, I said to a hotass reader that the best part of subjecting myself to the torture that is a bikini wax was finally learning the secret to the end of the bumps. And yesterday? She called me out. Said something to the effect of “Hey Fatass, I thought you were supposed to tell me the secret!”

And since it IS all about my world-famous hoohah these days, I figured today was a good a day as any to say STOP THE PRESSES! I NEED TO WRITE YET ANOTHER POST ABOUT GIRL PARTS!

Just doing my part to make Australia proud.

So are you ready ladies and gentlemen? Ready to learn the REAL secret to ending annoying bikini area razorbumps forever? Behold . . . the hard, bristley shower mitt:

Yep. That’s it. The secret to the whole deal is aggressive exfoliation. My waxer explained to me the science of the razorbump. She likened it to an ingrown hair, really, and said it’s necessary to keep the area free of dead skin cell backup or something. Anyway, for the low low price of $14, she sold me this mitt and told me that when I’m in the shower I need to put on this mitt (and I quote) really go at the area every other day. Yes. Really Go. And being that I was a little lightheaded from all of the waxing drama, I eagerly slapped down the cash.

Best. Decision. Ever.

I truly have not had a razor bump since.

She also said it was important to use some kind of soothing bikini area cream on a daily basis, beginning about two seconds post wax and continuing forever. I purchased this one from the salon. It’s main ingredient is tea tree oil. I am in love with the smell – part medicinal, like Noxema or something, part vacation, like suntan oil. Love it.

Here’s a lousy picture of me demonstrating the area to use said items.
But the shower mitt is great for all over exfoliation. I sometimes have those little bumps on my arms that are like little ingrown hairs, too. Well, I used to, anyway. Now every other day or so I (and I quote) really go at the area with the bristle side of the mitt. You can tell I’m really going at it by the look on my face. Then when I’m out of the shower drying off, I put some moisturizer on, and now my arms are smooth.
(I occasionally exfoliate my hiney, too)
Here’s a pile of all of the products I use to achieve the bump free awesomesauce. The stuff in green is a shower creme I ordered from Mrs. Tim’s Pure Romance catalogue. It said it was for razor-bump free shaving, too, but really? The secret is in the mitt. Trust me. But I do use the creme (which is much like hair conditioner. At least I hope so, because the tube says you can use it to shave with, exfoliate with, OR put on your hair) from time to time and it smells clean and yummy. I also pulled out the tube of No Scream Cream that the waxer threw in for next time. Supposed to help with the pain of the ripping of your pubies out by the roots. I have my doubts, but once I use it I’ll let you know.
So, there you have it. My secret. Now you. Tell me one of YOURS.

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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }

Deb June 22, 2010 at 6:58 am

Oh lawd. You crack me up!!! Love the pics. Thanks for revealing the secrets. Still not enough to get me back in to the waxing salon though.

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JourneyBeyondSurvival June 22, 2010 at 7:10 am

The BEST pic is of you exfoliating your hiney. That is the face of the woman whose expressions KILL me. Oh, and of course very informative as well.

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Allan June 22, 2010 at 7:39 am

Thank you.. Very informative, and all at once, a breakfast bonanza. I'm assuming there are added benefits to exfoliating in a rapid up and down motion, as opposed to the hot wax being ripped in one quick movement.
Thanks again…I'm done

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Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) June 22, 2010 at 7:50 am

You are too much! I hope you have fun going at it!

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Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) June 22, 2010 at 7:50 am

You are too much! I hope you have fun going at it!

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Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) June 22, 2010 at 7:50 am

You are too much! I hope you have fun going at it!

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Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) June 22, 2010 at 7:50 am

You are too much! I hope you have fun going at it!

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Tonyne @ Unlikely Success Story June 22, 2010 at 8:14 am

I laughed, I gasped and I learned. Truly inspirational! Bravo! πŸ™‚

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Marisa (Loser for Life) June 22, 2010 at 8:34 am

LOL @ exfoliate my hiney!!! I think you should consider renaming this blog, "Hoohahs and Hineys"! LOL!!!! I love it!

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Katy June 22, 2010 at 9:45 am

Have you tried the product called "Tend Skin?" It's supposed to slughffff off dead skin sells and prevent razor burn. I've tried it but ehhh, doesn't work so well plus it burns like a mother f'er. You have to put it on after showering, then brace yourself for the burn. I'd put it on and then lie down in bed spread eagle with the fan on. Needless to say, it's torture, so I stopped. Then I tried a loofa…just a standard one. I guess I didn't "go at it" hard enough. Shit hurts after it's just waxed! Or maybe it's because it's just a standard loofa. After this though, I may give it another go…if I can find that mit you're talking about. Razor burn is the #1 reason I stopped waxing. Hurts and is ugly!

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Al (losingharry) June 22, 2010 at 9:50 am

I just can add to this…I want to…but I can't.

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Nicky June 22, 2010 at 10:11 am

Wow, I'd never heard of that before. What's the exfoliating part? Coarse goat hair or something?

I'll have to invest in one of those suckers.

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stickyheels June 22, 2010 at 10:55 am

My secret? Deodorant. Seriously. You shave your underarms and you never get razor bumps there, now do you? just shave wherever you "need" to and then apply deodorant/antiperspirant/etc as you would to your underarms and *voila*. & you're welcome.

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Kara June 22, 2010 at 10:55 am

Amen to the brush thing and the "really go at it" part. πŸ™‚ My waxer told me the same thing and so I started using a body brush from the Body Shop. It's supposed to be for dry brushing, but it works amazingly well in the shower.

I get the arm bumps too (they're called keratosis pilaris, if you want the real name). It's an accumulation of dead skin cells … and the brush helps with that as well.

I also got a prescription from my derm for the keratosis that I use on my hoo-ha in plce of the TendSkin or whatever. It's called ReSal cream – it's got something like 6% salacylic acid in it (the same stuff that all the other creams have, just in a higher concentration). I use it on my arms and my … ahem .. and it helps a lot. It's like $12 in the generic version at the drugstore ($2 after my insurance copay). If you can get your doc to prescribe it for you, I highly recommend it.

Ok, there's my very public contribution to the health and hairlessness of various lady bits. πŸ™‚

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Jenny June 22, 2010 at 11:38 am

I love your blog!! Thank you for posting this, something totally informative that not many people would think to ask. You're awesome!!!

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TJ June 22, 2010 at 11:59 am

I love your facial expressions in each pic! LOL you are so flippin cute! xoxo

I don't get bump issues…but that is a good tip! Thanks for sharing, I think?? lol

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SeattleRunnerGirl June 22, 2010 at 12:04 pm

It really IS all about exfoliation! I can't wait to hear about the dull-the-pain-before-you-rip-out-your-pubes-by-the-roots creme your waxer gave you. Review please!

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katdoesdiets June 22, 2010 at 12:18 pm

Congrats on Women's Health AU, that's so freakin awesome…wish we could all buy a copy!
World famous hoohah, I will giggle about that for days.
And…thanks for the tips…gonna try to swim more this summer, gonna have to approach this tender topic, ugh.

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Katie J June 22, 2010 at 12:22 pm

You talk about things I only dream of talking about. I love you Fatass I really do.

I have had all sorts of hair removal done "other" places but never my hoohaa. I am scared to bare my ladybits. The good thing is that the lady who would do it is my friend so it wouldn't be THAT bad. Any suggestions on getting over the embarassment?

P.S. I have not had kids. I think that makes a difference. When you have had a kid you have no trouble showing your stuff to strangers! LOL!

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Lucas June 22, 2010 at 2:19 pm

First a note to Katie J……
alcohol, xanex or just gumption…..all 3 will help the embarrassment factor….plus…YOU ARE PAYING HER….it's her job, without your hooha in her face….she goes hungry. And I HIGHLY recommend the bald kitty, not just the bikini area….it's a WHOLE other world ifyouknowwhatImeanwinkwinknudgenudge.

Now for my favorite Fatass: A hotass? MOI?? πŸ™‚ I heart you! First a question, then a secret. Does the zippy glove work for SHAVING? Or just waxing? And my secret is I have tried a variety of different waxing the day the estetician went after my front yard, I almost choked the bitch out! That $hit hurt….FOR REAL.

Oh and one more thing…BRAVE GIRL with all the pics in your towel! YOWZA! Who's the hotass??? Yeah, that would be YOU! Thanks for the post.

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Jennifer Brindley June 22, 2010 at 3:11 pm

This is the most awesome post in the history of posts.

I use an electric trimmer and shaver, dry. It's awesome, but I still get some irritation. I must try some alone-time exfoliation. πŸ˜‰

~J

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Miss Felicity June 22, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Wow, thats awesome. Thanks for the great tips!

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Laurie June 22, 2010 at 5:52 pm

What they all said.
AND, who the he$$ has time not only to shave, sand paper, lube up and all this to one's hooha, but to pause and TAKE PICTURES OF IT? I barely soaped up this a.m and was out the door, I applaud your efforts.

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Drazil June 22, 2010 at 7:07 pm

Are you for serious? Are you sure that works? I mean how hard do I have to scrub? This whole bald whootenanny thing intrigues me..and itches the hell out of me…yes still. I face castration every time…yes still. But I want my vagizzle to be as smooth as a turkey's neck so I keep trying….yes still. I shall try this scrubbing thing. Will a brillo pad work?

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Merri June 22, 2010 at 8:16 pm

Hmm. Um that bristly brush thing looks like it would hurt if I 'really go at it' even on my arm or leg, much less down in more tender areas. Thank you for this very educational post. No one ever teaches you these things. However, I think I'll still continue to shave and trim. Waxing looks way too hard, and I don’t need to be totally naked there anyways. Love the pics tho!

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99ToGo June 22, 2010 at 8:45 pm

I thought you felt 'naked' with no hair there?! Did the waxer lady just do some landscaping, or did she tear out the whole lawn?

I second the OUCH comment about scrubbing the area. That brush looks not-meant-for a kitty.

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Alexia June 22, 2010 at 11:46 pm

ha!
and is that proactive i see on your counter?!

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Diz June 23, 2010 at 1:02 am

I can vouch it's true! I live at the beach and constantly have to keep that area smooth and beautiful. I don't have the mit, but I do have a exfoliating thingy-ma-jig and it keeps me free from ingrown hairs and any kind of bumps after a wax. LOVE IT. AND LOVE YOUR POST ABOUT IT ALL. Your rendition is hilarious!

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katie June 23, 2010 at 10:52 am

good to know! i'm a do-it-yourselfer, mostly because i'm cheap.

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I'm Just Another Fat Girl -jafg June 23, 2010 at 6:18 pm

Sadly, I don't have sex enough to know that bald is chic now. I only just learned this last month! A woman with grandchildren educated me! I am so out of touch.

I shaved, not completely bald, but mostly. It's a little hard to see. I'm not a contortionist, ya know? Anyway, the problem is I ITCH like somethin fierce. I feel like a jr high boy who can't keep his hands out of his pants! And not for a good thing either!!!

I keep landscaping thinking it'll get better. It has not.

This is a mystery I have to figure out.

-jafg

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Kyle Gershman June 23, 2010 at 11:29 pm

To be clear, I have no parts that can withstand really going at it with a bristle based anything.

To those who are about to exfoliate…I salute you!

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creatingsarah June 24, 2010 at 12:27 pm

hahahaha! I absolutely love your blog. You're so funny, yet so helpful! Congrats on getting featured in the magazine, too. That's awesome and you totally deserve it. πŸ˜€

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leahclaire June 24, 2010 at 3:30 pm

You are HILARIOUS! I laughed SO LOUD in the Panera Bread online just now reading your post as well as all the comments. Way to go on the magazine rave! That's awesome!!!

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Caroline June 25, 2010 at 5:23 pm

If you want to shave without bumps, buy some Coochie Cream. It's available everywhere from Amazon to your local adult store. It's amazing–no bumps, no itching, nothing! It also helps if you have a sharp razor and you don't use a two month old disposable one like I do.

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TrippyTexan June 26, 2010 at 12:14 am

The demonstration photos really put this post over the top! I'm putting "scrubby thing" on my shopping list right now.

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