paging doctor fixmyass

by MrsFatass on May 3, 2010

My dear wonderful friend Journey Beyond Survival bestowed on me the honor that is the Oh My Blog award. There are rules and regulations and passing it on stuff that I will get to tomorrow, but for now I’ll just say that in order to accept it I must share with you this or that or the other thing, but what I chose was My Most Embarassing Moment. Natch.

Now, those of you who have been around a while might wonder what the heck else could have happened, since I’ve already told you about the shart. And the pee and the boogie. But really? I’m forever getting myself in these pain in the ass predicaments, and had to learn at an early age to laugh at myself. Or I’d miss out on all the fun, laughing with everybody else.

And, it just so happens that this embarrassing moment is timely; it all kind of happened this morning. Like, today. And I am pretty sure I only have the balls to write about it right now because of the high level of narcotics in my system. So, here goes.

I’ve been pregnant. I’ve had babies. Thus my dignity left me long long ago. There’s really no holding on to it once your body goes through those changes, once you’ve tried to have big-bellied waddling sexy time, once every hospital staff member has had their hands in your hoo-ha all in the name of “checking you” and once you had to either push, have put in or taken out a catheter, or had to prove you could poop so you and your precious cargo could go home and start your new life.

I had lots of weird pregnancy side-effects. Carpal tunnel, which I totally thought was fake until I experienced it. Sciatica, which made me hobble and occasionally fall down. Incontinence due to the position of the baby, so that every time I bent at where my waist used to be I’d pee a little in my underwear. I mean really, pregnancy is SO the opposite of glamorous.

I also . . . had to deal with this. Yeah. Me and little old men everywhere and our Tucks and our Preparation H. It was so terribly awful that I had to give that thing living in my butt a name. I call it The Roy.

Now, in all seriousness, Roys are simply just swollen veins Down There. In your bottom. They can itch or hurt or bleed, or just cause you extreme embarrassment when you have to explain to your husband why he should be the one to go to the drugstore. And also, they aren’t pretty. Maybe some of you aren’t worried about the looks of your Down There, but I generally like to present myself the best way I can. And hey, when your nickname actually contains the word ASS, well . . .

The Roy, I don’t mind telling you, is a huge pain in my ass (you had to know that was coming, didn’t you?) Most of the time his presence is pretty nonexistent, but during those times when he gets antsy and angry and wants to flex some muscle, life gets pretty unbearable. Forget actually using your butt for what your butt is for, just sitting or standing becomes a challenge. And being that my life of late has been all about MORE CARDIO on the one hand, and MORE STUDYING on the other, well, any and all rump irritations are more irritating than usual.

As it turns out, all this C25K business could be contributing to the awakening of The Roy. I mean, there are all kinds of ways to live with one, as they do like exercise and lots of fiber and plenty of water and all, but occasionally too much time on the loo (yeah, no reading in the john, guys) or working too hard to go Number Two, or some big change in physical activity (like running!) can aggravate the suckers. So, I’ve been trying to be extra kind to my behind lately.

But (and you had to know there would be a but about my butt), sometimes things get complicated. SOMEtimes all of the hot baths and TLC in the world doesn’t help and, well, things turn REALLLLY painful. Because they get a blood clot in them. And when that happens, our little Embarrassing Moment story wakes us from a sound sleep at 4 in the morning and sends us to the ER with Pain in the Ass.

Indeed.

Yes, I woke to excruciating pain, and we called the ER and were advised to come in. So I drove myself (I insisted that Trophy Husband stay home with The Things instead of making this a family outing) and went upto the desk to tell the tall, handsome, salt and pepper haired intake nurse that the reason I was sweating and on the verge of tears is because of a thrombosed hemorrhoid. Ahhhhh!!!

And then I had to SIT and fill out paperwork. SIT! And talk about my BUTT ISSUES! But it gets so much better . . .

I am taken back and put in a room, given a gown and a sheet, and I crawl into the bed. This particular nurse (and her southern drawl) seemed very concerned because I’d come in alone and was obviously suffering. She brought me a warm blanket and handed me the remote and prepared me for a bit of a wait because apparently THROMBOSED HEMORRHOID isn’t exactly top on the list for THE ONE DOCTOR on duty in the ER at the time. So I lay there quivering and sweating and flipping channels for a while, and finally the doc comes in. And again I have to explain my history with The Roy. And he gets the nurse and they get me into position and the lovely nurse is so kind as to actually have to sort of LIFT UP MY BUTTCHEEK to give them a better view, and then I hear them both say Ohhhh myy.

Well, he said Oh my Lord. She said Bless Your Heart. Both in southern drawls. I really and truly wanted to die. And I think that was actually the most embarrassing part. Because I like to be an example of a lot of things – quick wit, healthy choices, cute in a bikini. But the prime example of a butt problem? Umm, just shoot me now.

Anyhow, they moved fast. Didn’t give me a whole lot of extraneous information about the procedure I was about to endure other than it was necessary. And before I know it, Doctor Fixmyass is wielding this needle the size of something really frickin’ big and he proceeds to insert that needle INTO MY ANUS. I mean, the nerve! And what do I do? Besides break into a full body sweat? I yelp. YELP. And I cry. CRYYYY. Because needles in the anus hurt. They hurt the anus, and they hurt the pride.

It was awful.

So, yeah. Once it was numb I was thrilled, and have no idea what the rest of the procedure entailed though I’m pretty sure we could all figure it out. And voila, clot gone. Though for now I have pretty much traded one brand of pain for another.

The lovely nurse doped me up with Vicodin, and handed me her phone to call Trophy Husband, and I was all wobbly and dizzy and everyone kept saying “bless your heart, darlin’” like I’d just survived something truly horrible. Which I had. It was truly horrible. And now I’m stretched out on my bed snuggled up with my bottle of painkillers which are working wonders.

I ran this idea by Miz before writing it. I wondered if I had finally stumbled on the one topic that is just too personal for the fatass blog, but she encouraged me to write it because and I quote this fitness stuff isn’t all roses and lackofbuttproblems.

She’s right. I don’t know what this is going to do about my running career or my trashtalk with Jack Shit, but it has for sure slowed me down for a couple of days. And I encourage you all to eat plenty of fiber and drink lots of water. And thanks, Journey Beyond Survival, for the award and the chance to share this amazing embarrassing moment.

Okay, now you. What’s yours?

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{ 57 comments… read them below or add one }

Ilana May 3, 2010 at 12:20 pm

I'm new to your blog, and so glad I'm here! Personally, if I can't share my embarrassing moments with others, they're a waste of embarrassment. Which is why I had to tell everyone I know about my most recent embarrassing incident, even though it happened in the privacy of my own home with no witnesses.
The other day, I came home in between babysitting and my Pilates class, to quickly change and grab a snack. I was on autopilot, so I walked into my room, pulled off my skirt, grabbed my leggings, realized I had to pee, went to the bathroom, sat down and began to go. Which was when I realized I never took off my panties. Yes, twenty-two years old and just learning that you take the underwear off BEFORE you pee. Of course, I had to text my boyfriend and all my friends to tell them about it, nearly immediately after.

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Alexia May 3, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Good grief. Hospitals in general are just very embarrassing places. A doctor wanted to give me a rectal examination with a yummysuperhot doctor-in-training watching. I put my foot down. I couldn't let him watch. Could anything be unsexier?

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Crystal May 3, 2010 at 12:28 pm

omg that's so awful! i hope your… ummmm… issues… work out 🙂 but i have to say, i went back and read your three bodily functions posts and they were hilarious! i've totally peed the bed, and yes on my husband… but he was my hubby already… your trophy man, yeah, DEFINTELY loves you!!!

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Slimmin' Sam May 3, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Congrats on the award… You are truly awesome. I am sorry to hear about the whole ordeal 🙁

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The Maniacal Matron May 3, 2010 at 12:42 pm

You deserve a metal for making it through this experience! WOW

I love reading your blog, you hold nothing back!

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Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" May 3, 2010 at 12:50 pm

So sorry you were in such pain. I know you were embarrassed, but it sounds like they fixed it and they were nice to you. I hope it gets better soon.

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kia May 3, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Much sympathy to you and your burning lil' ass.

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Rhonda May 3, 2010 at 1:26 pm

You know, there's just something so inherently wrong with someone looking at something on your ass and saying "oh my Lord" or the like. This sort of experience should grant you one wish or something. That's some seriously traumatic stuff to go through.
Feel better.

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bookieboo May 3, 2010 at 1:30 pm

This wasn't too much information for me. I was ROFLing and my side hurts so bad from reading…I'm so happy you are a blogger. XXOO

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Pamela M. Kramer May 3, 2010 at 1:37 pm

WOW! That is a doozie. I'm just glad they were able to help you. It sounds pretty painful. Keep that Vicodin close at hand.

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Jessica Warrick May 3, 2010 at 1:37 pm

oh wow i feel so sorry for you. luckily i never had to deal with this situation in my four pregnancies. hope everything is doing better i hear it hurts like a bitch.

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Anonymous May 3, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Having had children and pregnancies and my share of glamourous-pretense-ruining-moments, I have to hand it to you. This sounds like it was bad- in every way bad, although thank heavens for those motherly nurses who literally have seen it all- I am a squeamish person by nature and so this was graphic beyond my comfort zone and yet I have to agree w/Rhonda- nobody wants to hear "oh my" or anything like that when looking anywhere near one's ass or other parts.

Love the concept of "making use of" embarrassment and humiliation. When you go get your Roy-cream at pharmacy just pretend you're one of those women who uses it for undereye bags..

Big "Oy Vey" and love to you for the guts and the glory-

xox
Lisa

http://www.IntuitiveBody.com
Breaking The Spell of Overeating
New gift- "The Energy of Weight Loss:7 Essential Secrets"

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Ryan @NoMoreBacon May 3, 2010 at 1:41 pm

ANUS? Of all the words I thought I'd never see on your blog or any blog for that matter…

Narcotic Blogging is a dangerous sport and you just won the world championships!

Some day I'm going to figure out how you write a blog post exactly the same way you would tell it first person. It's truly art.

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Thrifty Mama B May 3, 2010 at 1:48 pm

I wasnt sure to laugh or cry but then ended up doing both. i wish I had the kahonays to post half the topics you dare to bare on your blog. You are one awesome lady. Continue to hug your painkiller bottle so The Roy will leave you be. ((hugs))

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Donna May 3, 2010 at 1:56 pm

No words. Just laughing at the 'been there done that-ness of it all.' As usual.

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KarlaBond May 3, 2010 at 1:59 pm

I should know better than to read your blog while drinking. I was trying not to laugh too hard here at work but I was not successful. Don't lose those painkills so you can kick The Roy's ass to the curb!

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Jennifer May 3, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Wow. I give you all the credit in the world for actually hitting the publish button on this post. But I must say, you have just provided me with some much needed laughs. That is awful that you had to go through that, but my goodness was it an entertaining read!

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Pubsgal May 3, 2010 at 2:13 pm

Delurking to add my understatement of the year: ouch! And ((hug)). I'm sorry you had to go through that. But Miz was right: your gift of finding the humor in the most awkward situations and spinning it into blogging GOLD is helpful and instructive for the rest of us.

Oh, and Ilana's statement? "Personally, if I can't share my embarrassing moments with others, they're a waste of embarrassment."? I think that's going to be my new mantra.

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Laurie May 3, 2010 at 2:15 pm

OMG! Does it get funnier? I thought of you all morning in my spinning class and the comment from the mailbag about the bruised vulva. Now this!
Laughing out loud at my computer with the kids here, fortunately NOT asking what is so funny.
Now I am cracking up at Ryan's comment about "anus".
This is just too funny and I can't even think of anything embarrassing at the moment, I am sure it will come to my, probably while I'm running up some hill tomorrow.
Give Roy some TLC!, or perhaps that is the job of the Troph Man? Better yet, keep him AWAY!!

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JourneyBeyondSurvival May 3, 2010 at 2:24 pm

My sweet sweet Fatass. I died laughing. Then I collected myself and tried to send sympathy your way. However I forgot about your other predicament. The one involving coffee cups… Well Beansprout has NEVER biked so fast. Let's just say it mAy be a few years before he can by his own power. We topedoed over that hill. Chickadee loved having her wheelchair go that fast.

Anyway, the whole reason that I'm standing here at the park texting this is to say: I just remembered I lied. I didn't ponder long enough about embarrassment. I can do better and I hope you will feel better.

I drank too much water @ prom 'cause I was nervous and I peed my undies. (but not my dress)

I had Roy probs pre-baby. I asked post-baby if my Roy was worse. My OB blushed. Stammered. ohmygoodness.

I had anOther Roy issue and I had to have it checked a la hombre. Cause I'm so tall.

K. If you need me to keep going, let me know…I got more

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Andrea H May 3, 2010 at 2:31 pm

What a hilarious post! You definitely have a way with words.

I hope you get to feeling better soon!

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Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit May 3, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Dammit… sometimes the pitch is so fat, such a softball… that you KNOW you're just gonna jack it out of the park…

But I got nothing. At least nothing that doesn't cross every boundry of good taste imaginable…

Feel better… and I'll let you know how C25K winds up…

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Alison May 3, 2010 at 2:52 pm

OMG virtual hug that sucks! I have a roid and it stinks and I got it trying to finish my business quickly before running…. Yea don't push, really they mean it. Mine is very very small and not bad so you have my sympathy big time! Feel better soon and no it wasn't oversharing it makes people feel like they aren't alone 🙂

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Anonymous May 3, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Roy.

All I can think of now is "Quigley Down Under" and an anus that looks like Tom Selleck. Thanks a lot.

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cmoursler May 3, 2010 at 3:30 pm

WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS GOOD LOOKING!
Whenever you have to go through something particularly nasty, Mr. shouldabeen a magazine model is there.
It's God's own joke to keep us humble. And how wrong is it that I laughed till I cried…holy crow woman, a needle in the anus while southerners gasp and cringe. Nothing worse.
I wrote mine yesterday…something about a bowling tournament, a mom who wanted to help her little one retrieve a ball, and public humiliation.
Feel better.

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Fitarella May 3, 2010 at 3:53 pm

YOUR POOR ANUS!!!! If I were there I'd blow on it for you girl!

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Tonyne @ Unlikely Success Story May 3, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Wow. I've always said "Bless your heart" can either mean "Thank you for bringing me breakfast in bed!" or "I'm sorry your daughter is a crack whore." Now, I have a whole new meaning behind it.

I read the whole thing thoroughly fascinating, I must say. 🙂

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Pamela May 3, 2010 at 4:01 pm

OMG! I am so so sorry! I was practically in pain just thinking about what you went through. Big hugs!! I hope you feel better soon!

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Losing It- for real May 3, 2010 at 4:14 pm

oh my, these stories get better and better. does sound painful though.

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Kyra (@KyraTX) May 3, 2010 at 4:28 pm

Ouch ouch ouch! I know novocaine to the roof of the mouth is painful. I'd hate to think of what you when through. And you had to endure a "bless your heart" on top of it?

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Angelia May 3, 2010 at 4:58 pm

This story is one of the resons your deserve this award!

I'm sorry you had to go though this, but it truly makes for a hilarious blog story. I spit coffee a little. I will definatly drink more water and eat more fiber in order to avoid this situation myself!

I hope you get to feeling better!

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Drazil May 3, 2010 at 6:14 pm

Well I think that trumps my Operation Smooth Whootananny blog cuz no one saw that but me….um…not sure if that was a compliment or not. LOL

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Holistic Health Coach-Tri Mom May 3, 2010 at 7:43 pm

Im with you sister…got the same issues, though never thrombosed-yet. Went to the doc for three!!!! rubberband ligations, and still no relief for the past yr. My god! Every night, scratch, scratch, scratch…when will it ever end! Now you know why I would NEVER wear a thong.

Comforting to hear you have some good drugs in the mix keeping you company. And that the staff there will probably talk about your Roy for a long time to come.

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meleemistress May 3, 2010 at 8:26 pm

First time commenter here. You do the blogosphere a great service by detailing these experiences. You humanize yourself, and you humanize us all.

There's an author that I love — Terry Pratchett — who is excellent at this. No hero or villain is perfect. No character is inaccessible. Every knight with a sword still picks his nose and all the all-powerful witches employ the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach with reckless abandon. It's why I love reading you both.

You've done this truly amazing thing: you've completely changed your lifestyle, overcome some monumental hurdles, raised kids, and lost weight. That's a huge list, and as a wide-eyed single 26 year old, it's intimidating. Maybe it doesn't seem that way because you've done it. Maybe you're thinking "I didn't have a choice. I had to do it all." But the point is, you did it, and you're doing it well.

And so when I read posts like this, I think about the time I drank so much that I sat next to a sewer grate and puked bad Mexican and tequila while an audience of no less than FIVE of my closest friends (including my then boyfriend and my now HUGE CRUSH) watched, and I realize that yes, we've all had our moments. Maybe not that one (I hope not. The next morning hurt) but something.

So thank you.

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Rebecca May 3, 2010 at 8:48 pm

I needed a laugh today. Thank you. I'm just sorry it had to come at your ass' expense.

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Kimberley May 3, 2010 at 9:15 pm

That made me laugh and feel sorry for you all at the same time. Feel better!

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~Lori~ May 3, 2010 at 9:24 pm

awwww..lol….Feel better soon!

@gutimom

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Tami@nutmegnotebook May 3, 2010 at 10:40 pm

I was laughing out loud and my 20 year old son wanted to read what was making me laugh so much – I didn't think he should, he made it just to the Roy part and departed!!!

Okay after the laughter I was nearly moved to tears. Hope you have good drugs and happy dreams.

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Nikki May 4, 2010 at 1:10 am

Wow, Glad you shared. And TERRIFIED of Roy now. Does this mean it is gone for good? Or just the clot? Enjoy the narcs!

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Kyle Gershman May 4, 2010 at 11:14 am

Holy sphincters batman! Oh my word, I'm so sorry for your experience, but I can also attest that C25K created sensations for me that were not very familiar to me, but uncomfortable nonetheless.

Like any boo boo, perhaps Trophy Husband can kiss it and make it better.

Muah!

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amoslionhorse May 4, 2010 at 11:55 am

hey! i know i commented yesterday.. it's "poofed!!"

your poor bum! love your writing, and your candour! Love that you made Jack speechless!

great blog! I look forward to following you! (i'm far too exclamatory today…)

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Laura May 4, 2010 at 12:01 pm

My still most embarrassing story:

When I was about 9, my 6 year-old sister and I would take showers together because we could play and have fun. One time we were playing the tunnel game; one person is standing on the ledges of the bathtub and the other person slides through. As I was sliding through, she started giggling about something and peed on my head. I swear I shampooed my hair 15 times right after that. LOL!

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Elisabeth @ joggerslife.com May 4, 2010 at 2:13 pm

Oh my word. That entire story made me feel light-headed and worried about my ass. My father blessed me with The Roy gene. Thankfully I've never landed in the ER, but I also have never been pregnant. Ugh…I'm really looking forward to that experience.

My most embarrassing moment to date is when I unexpectedly started my period in the 12th grade during my global studies class. With the cute boy teacher who was barely old enough to be teaching 17 year old students. It was a fine mess. I had to make the decision on whether to get up in the middle of class and walk out to go to the restroom (for the entire class to see the aftermath on my clothes), or wait until the end of the class, slip out with my bag blocking the view, and leave a mess only on the chair. I decided to wait, but I would've rather died at that point to be honest!

The teacher never said a word (of course), but I never looked him in the eye again. It was slightly awkward.

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seattlerunnergirl May 4, 2010 at 3:55 pm

Bless your heart is right. You take "hotass" to a new level. So sorry about the ouch and hope it goes away soon!

My most embarrassing moment? In 3rd grade we had a restroom in the back of the classroom. Wherein I proceeded to remove my skirt entirely for to go pee. Thereafterwhich I forgot to replace said skirt and walked back UP to my desk at the FRONT of the room wearing tights and a shirt.

Oh, but that wasn't the worst part even! Once I realized my mistake? I tore back to the bathroom, threw open the door, and walked in on a poor boy doing his bidness. Poor Roger is probably scarred for life. I sure am.

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Quix May 4, 2010 at 4:16 pm

I had a cavity filled this morning at 8am – not a nice way to wake up the day back from a mini-vacay – but this put it into perspective. Coulda been worse. I now have proof!

In all seriousness, that sucks, you are amazing for not having fainted dead away when they stuck a needle in your ass vein, and I hope you recover quickly and enjoy those pain meds. 😉

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ARJules May 4, 2010 at 6:57 pm

Oh wow…. just… ummm… wow.
Well, no offense intended, but you may have just given me reason number 142 of reasons to not have kids. To be fair, numbers 1-132 are all snot related.

I'm glad you got through it and I hope you feel better soon! Have the trophy hubbend wait on you. With flowers. 😀

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TJ May 4, 2010 at 9:24 pm

My hiney hurts just reading this post! xoxox sending well wishes for your ass. 🙂

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Anjali May 5, 2010 at 7:52 am

So sorry! That sounds extremely painful.

I've been dealing with tail-bone pain for over a decade. So I'm certainly not turned off by butt talk!

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Colleen May 5, 2010 at 11:57 am

hope those meds are still working for you!!! Kind of feel bad here, as I was kind of laughing a bit…but definitely feel for you…just your wording makes light of such a pain in the ass!

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Merri May 5, 2010 at 6:16 pm

Oh no that sounds bad 🙁 glad you got it taken care of though and hope youre feeling better..

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Christine May 6, 2010 at 2:06 pm

Oh. my. god. You are absolutely hilarious. I'm so freaking happy that I stumbled onto your blog. I'm hooked. Thank you, and definitely keep sharing. You're hilarious. Awesome.
Cheers!
Christine
http://www.phoenixrevolution.net

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Jenn May 6, 2010 at 5:17 pm

Oh my…

I have been there, though not as bad as you! I got my Roy after the birth of my first daughter, and it's been with me ever since.
After my 2nd daughter was born, I got a fissure, which is PAIN. FUL. At one point I slit open a diaper, filled it with ice and stuck it in my pants.

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mixtape May 7, 2010 at 9:07 am

Wow. Just, wow.

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sanjeet May 15, 2010 at 11:12 am
Lori @ RRSAHM August 9, 2010 at 5:14 am

Oh my. JBS linked me to this post after I wrote about my own *ahem* bu experience. Thankfully, no needles. (What is it about butt pain that makes you break into a full body sweat…?)

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Lucas August 13, 2010 at 2:01 pm

YOU are my frickin' hero dude. For reals.

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Heather @ Not a DIY Life April 12, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Similar story but not quite as bad. After both babies, my roids were so bad, Hubs had to apply ointment on my swollen anus. Now, if that isn’t love, I don’t know what is 😉

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