balance is for suckers

by MrsFatass on April 7, 2010

the room of doom

Just what the blogosphere needs . . . another post about my hoohah . . .

Day Two of Easter Candy Boot Camp went a little something like this: Wake up, hobble to the bathroom because the knots in my calves from CardioPump made walking like a normal person a pipe dream, swallow some Aleve, crawl back into bed and make eyes at Trophy Husband. No, not THOSE eyes, silly. The eyes that were pleading for him to go into the kitchen and fix my coffee. And some water. And perhaps some breakfast. Those eyes.

It worked. Well, as far as the coffee goes, anyway. By the time he brought it to me, the Aleve had kicked in, and I was able to lift the mug to my lips. So it seemed that I might actually be able to get the day started.

When we left off yesterday I discussed some workout plan amendments, which included rescheduling my C25K run for Tuesday and also trying a spinning class. SPINNING. And RUNNING. Inthesameday. I am obviously not the sharpest tool in the shed.

I was just amazed by some of the helpful comments from my loyal readers about my leap into this new form of torture that one calls spinning. For example:

A word to the wise on the spinning? It WILL NOT be your legs that will be the problem following the class. It will be your lady bits. That seat is hard yo, and it seems to mash into your crotch with all its might.

Take a gel seat! For God’s sake, take a gel seat! And give it five classes. You’ll be shocked how much better you are at it after five classes.

And take a gel seat. You’ll thank me when you don’t have to get your husband to check and see if it’s possible to get bruises in your “special area”. (It is possible, incidentally)

Oh, and if that wasn’t scary enough, there was this one:

is yer hoohah ready for spinning?
mine never ever is.

And I would be remiss not to include this one:

I am convinced that my one, yes just ONE, attempt at spinning just might have rendered me infertile.

And really? That is just the tip of the iceberg. But being that I opened my fat yap and blogged all about this frickin spin class, and being that I’m all GO BIG OR GO HOME this week, and being that I’ve reallllllyyy made the decision to keep my head out of my ass and make this a real WEIGHT LOSS BLOG so maybe someday I can appear in one of Jack Sh*ts parodies or perhaps one of The Anti-Jared’s workout challenges (er, scratch that second one. 99 minutes on a stairmaster? As If!), I decided that balance is for suckers. I’m going all out as only I can. And if that means not only a DOUBLE WORKOUT DAY, but one of those workouts being another activity that will cause my kitty to be angry for days? (btw, I totally owe you guys a bikini wax post. Just saying.) Well, so be it.

I hit the gym first thing, stuck the kids in the playroom, found my treadmill in the corner, and finished Week Three of C25K. Well, I finished Week Three for the Second Time. But who’s counting?

I grabbed the kids and went on about my morning. Hit the market, swung by the Tar-zhay, dropped something off at the post office. Headed home, made lunch, cleaned up lunch. Did laundry. Put my daughter down for a nap. Threw on my bathing suit to catch 30 minutes of rays. Caught up with a friend. Showered.

And put my workout clothes back on, because those damn endorphins had me fooled into thinking I was looking forward to heading back for cycling class. And when I was getting ready to leave I tweeted out that I was on my way, and you know what? MORE WARNINGS! “Stop by the sporting goods store and get some padded bike shorts.” “Make sure you have plenty of bags of frozen vegetables in your freezer.” “Nothing about that sounds like any fun at all.”

But it was too late. I had no choice. I dropped the kids back off in the playroom and went to class. I got there a little early and pretended to busy myself with the bike, but I had no idea how to adjust it. After about 5 minutes of screechy loud noises from moving the seat around, getting on, getting off, and adjusting some more, the teacher arrived and picked me out as a novice right away. She helped me adjust my seat, laughed politely if not a little nervously at my hoohah jokes, and went to go start the music.

Oh, did I mention that I picked the Spinning LITE class? No? Well, I did. Figured it was a good place to start. And it was full of 60 year old women who were also a little weirded out at my frequent use of (and great concern for) hoohahs everywhere. Especially mine. Poor kitty.

I got the quick rundown of the hand positions, how to adjust the tension, and what constitutes too much jiggleandbounce, and off we went. And those sixtysomethings left me in the dust.

Yeah. I huffed and puffed and apparently turned bright red because every 90 seconds the instructor turned to me and said Are You Doing Alright (and you MUST hear that in her North Carolina drawl that makes you wonder if she were really concerned or just being polite, hoping my response was not going to contain the word Hoohah or any of its counterparts) and I was. I hung in there. I stood up and sat down and sprinted and did everything I was told. And I think perhaps I died for a minute.

And my hoohah was indeed very smushed which wasn’t altogether unpleasant but also not the kind of smushed that is my favorite way to pass an hour. And Lucas? You were right, it’s the sits bones that were screaming, and when it was over my legs were indeed noodly.

We did a little stretching and my hips, which are always locked up tight, were locked up tighter and I’m not kidding when I say I was actually scared to dismount the bike and end up on the floor and have to look up at all the 60 year old faces saying sweetly “Well bless her heart.”

But I made it. I did it. I did a 50 minute spinning class. I still have a hoohah, though it demanded some special attention last night to make up for the smush. And you know how after you spend the day at the beach playing in the ocean, you go on about your evening and when you stop and close your eyes you can still feel the waves hitting you? Well, that’s how my ladybits felt after. When I’d stop and close my eyes I could still feel that pointy little bike seat all pressed up in there, and not in a good way. Oh, and my sits bones could quite possibly be bruised but I’m too scared to look. But my sorest muscle group is actually my abs. My abs are screaming, but I’m kind of okay with that because my tummy is of the mushy variety and could use the workout.

I won’t be able to do the Spinning LITE class regularly until school is out, but there is one at noon that I can do, like, a regular one where they are feisty competitive and kind of out for blood, but you know what? I’m not so sure that spinning is going to be my thing. I’ll have to clear it with my ladybits first, and right now we aren’t really on speaking terms.

Trophy Husband took this picture and then he poked me to see if I was still alive

Post to Twitter Post to Facebook Post to StumbleUpon

{ 55 comments… read them below or add one }

Miz April 7, 2010 at 5:33 am

no freakin words.

You crack me up
You are fearless in the face of hoohahinjury.
you have me now deciding to utilize the term ladybits

I love the TH for snapping that pic…he's such a great sport.
Its hard to be married to a superstar 🙂

xo xo

Reply

JourneyBeyondSurvival April 7, 2010 at 5:42 am

Oh, Bless your heart. Is that okay from me since I could never leave you in the dust? You are iron woman.

Hee hee.

Reply

Marisa (Loser for Life) April 7, 2010 at 6:33 am

LOL! Aw, poor Kitty 🙁

So proud of you for making it through 50 minutes! Awesome!

Reply

ThaQueenCity April 7, 2010 at 6:34 am

I think I can, I think I can, I think ah who the hell am I fooling! I know I couldn't do HALF what you do each day!

I do love reading your blogs, it is encouraging…but very tiring! LOL…

Reply

Genevieve April 7, 2010 at 6:42 am

LMAO! I'm training for a 500 mile bike ride and my padded shorts are the single best investment I've made in support of this hilarity. I only hope after 500 miles 'noodly' and bruised are the worst things – have to report. Thanks for the inspiration!

Reply

Tonyne @ Unlikely Success Story April 7, 2010 at 6:59 am

LMFAO! I am terrified of spinning for this very reason! This cracked me up. I can totally hear the NC drawl in the instructors voice…the only thing more perfect would have been if she had said "You alright shug?" 🙂

Reply

Donna April 7, 2010 at 7:06 am

Look at you go! Bruised kitty or not, I'm so proud of you for just sticking to your guns and DOING IT. And realizing that it wasn't going to do you in. Keep it up, hotass. OH, and please … do check the sporting goods stores for some padded shorts. I couldn't live without mine.

Reply

Donna April 7, 2010 at 7:06 am

Look at you go! Bruised kitty or not, I'm so proud of you for just sticking to your guns and DOING IT. And realizing that it wasn't going to do you in. Keep it up, hotass. OH, and please … do check the sporting goods stores for some padded shorts. I couldn't live without mine.

Reply

Jen April 7, 2010 at 7:11 am

I loved my first spinning class… until hours later. I ended up with a "bruised vulva" according to my gyno. Not sure if i will ever attempt it again.

Reply

Mishe@EatingJourney April 7, 2010 at 7:22 am

you're hilarious. and it's SO true.

Reply

dani31608 April 7, 2010 at 7:47 am

Love it! I know I was all "I think I saw Jesus!" when I took my first (and only) spin class.

Reply

Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) April 7, 2010 at 8:04 am

Your ladybits will get used to the pressure. (HA!) You must keep going. Spinning is one of my favorite things…perhaps because it's the only time my ladybits get a workout. 😉

Reply

Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) April 7, 2010 at 8:04 am

Your ladybits will get used to the pressure. (HA!) You must keep going. Spinning is one of my favorite things…perhaps because it's the only time my ladybits get a workout. 😉

Reply

Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) April 7, 2010 at 8:04 am

Your ladybits will get used to the pressure. (HA!) You must keep going. Spinning is one of my favorite things…perhaps because it's the only time my ladybits get a workout. 😉

Reply

Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) April 7, 2010 at 8:04 am

Your ladybits will get used to the pressure. (HA!) You must keep going. Spinning is one of my favorite things…perhaps because it's the only time my ladybits get a workout. 😉

Reply

Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) April 7, 2010 at 8:04 am

Your ladybits will get used to the pressure. (HA!) You must keep going. Spinning is one of my favorite things…perhaps because it's the only time my ladybits get a workout. 😉

Reply

Elisabeth @ joggerslife.com April 7, 2010 at 8:33 am

Bwahahahaha!!!! I LOVE THAT PICTURE!!

Hang in there, lady. Your body will get used to all of the abuse, just stick with it!

Reply

Erin April 7, 2010 at 8:48 am

I love the picture – I'm not sure I'll ever take a spin class now!!! 🙂

Reply

Katy April 7, 2010 at 8:52 am

Oh, yes…I know the coffee eyes. I use them every morning.

As a triathlete and spinning addicts, I can tell you that the lady bits issue is a real one, and while it never gets better, it does get easier.

I wear cycling shorts whenever I'm on a bike, and ride out of the saddle if it starts getting too painful.

Reply

Suzanne April 7, 2010 at 8:56 am

You must, repeat MUST, get the padded bike pants, they make all the difference (just don't look at yourself in the mirror while you're wearing them…)

Reply

Jess April 7, 2010 at 8:59 am

LOL. Thank god your hoohah is still alright. That word cracks me up like no other. I think I'm going to have to give this spinning thing a try. Gotta test out this hoohah bruise feeling. We're masochists, aren't we?

You're awesome though for finishing spin!

Reply

Morgan April 7, 2010 at 9:57 am

Do you ever get tired of being so awesome? I think it is great that you made it 50 minutes, even if your hoohah is a bit upset with you. Teaches her who's boss. (She is.)

Reply

TJ April 7, 2010 at 10:28 am

ouch

that is all I have to say…..

🙂 oh and YOU GO GIRL!

Reply

The Phat Nanny April 7, 2010 at 10:47 am

YAY for trying new things!! We RULE!!

Yeah! Get it gurl!!

I'll say a lil prayer for your vag. It really took one for your team!

Reply

katdoesdiets April 7, 2010 at 11:34 am

BWAHAHAHA love that pic. I am sure no one in that spinning class will ever be the same, LOL. I have never tried a spinning class, but now have new worries if I ever do!

Reply

Fitarella April 7, 2010 at 11:34 am

I seriously love you.

I spit my coffee out when I read the "my hoohah was indeed very smushed which wasn’t altogether unpleasant but also not the kind of smushed that is my favorite way to pass an hour." – frickin awesome (well, for my entertainment that is, not for your ladybits)

Way to get it done love!

Reply

Kyra April 7, 2010 at 11:37 am

OMG! Now I'm really too scared to try a spin class. I hope kitty has forgiven you.

Reply

bookieboo April 7, 2010 at 11:39 am

OMG…your poor hoohah! I know. That's why I love Tae Bo so much. It's better to my hoohah..lol. XXOO

Reply

'Drea April 7, 2010 at 11:40 am

There's nothing like the workout that keeps giving and giving…

Reply

Steve April 7, 2010 at 11:43 am

I think “Nothing about that sounds like any fun at all.” was mine! hehehehehe 🙂

Hooray for making it all the way through, and hooray for me not having a hoohah! Being a dude is awesome! 🙂

Reply

Karla007 April 7, 2010 at 11:52 am

OMG I think I peed myself a bit reading that. I had been thinking about a possible spin class but hells to the NO on that one. I can't ride a regular bike long without the hoohah screaming for me to stop. Good luck on the next class, if there is one.

Reply

PhatBFF April 7, 2010 at 11:59 am

OMG!! LOL!! You crack me up so much!! I just love your posts! I hope your ladybits forgive you soon!! ha ha ha ha ha ha – I hope I can stop laughing & get back to work!

Reply

Drazil April 7, 2010 at 12:58 pm

I can't even get brave enough to shave the whootananny and you're all about bruising and smushing and all that? You have balls of steel – HAIRY balls of steel. I did finally use the MSP on the whootananny and posted about it. Not exactly as planned to say the least. Now go put some ice on that pooty tang – that's a commodity you don't want to be messing with. It's kinda necessary in the grand scheme of life you know!

Reply

ARJules April 7, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Seriously… my lady bits are actually cringing right now. And I'm hearing a definitely "Don't even THINK about going to another spin class… " I'm glad you got through that – and you must be a stronger woman than me because I didn't even CONTEMPLATE returning to the house of horrors. 🙂 Good job!
P.S. Frozen peas are the best for ice packs. Just as an FYI 🙂

Reply

jenn w/ 2 n's April 7, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Bravo! I have endured a spinning class or 2 in my day and you are spot on. My hoohah tensed up a little just thinking about it.

I wonder, if our ladybits hurt so much what happens to a man's twig & berries??

Reply

Julia April 7, 2010 at 1:51 pm

I nearly spat my cucumber at the screen 🙂

I remember my first and only spin class – I'm still recovering years later.
Aubrey and I were going on a much needed week vacation sans kids. We were cruising – my favorite kinda vacation and I was going to make it the start of my healthiness journey and going to walk on the treadmill everyday etc etc. Once onboard Aubrey went to check the ship out (not sure where I went) but he came back all proud, he signed us up for a beginners spin class and the instructor was an ex South African like us. I had no idea what a spin class even was it was such a new thing – boy did I nearly die – I probably hadn't walked more than a 1/4 mile in 10 years before getting on that stinking bike. We were the only 2 that had never spun before – beginner schminner! I was embarrassed to see any of those people all week, never went to the gym again and not sure what words came out of my mouth.
And you are considering going back!!! GO YOU!!!

Reply

Jenn April 7, 2010 at 2:39 pm

"Poor kitty." LMAO!!!

Reply

Quix April 7, 2010 at 2:45 pm

You crack me up, woman. 😉 Of all the random crazy fitness adventures I've undertaken – never done spinning. It intrigues and terrifies me. Think I'll stick to just riding my soft, squishy seated bike outside…

Reply

love2eatinpa April 7, 2010 at 2:54 pm

lol! thanks for the very detailed description! my ladybits are sore just from reading your post!

Reply

Alison April 7, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Please let us know when your lady bits are talking to you again, I might use it as a gauge for trying spinning :p Nah, I'm a sissy.
Well done on week 3 of couch to 5k, who cares if it was for the second time the point is you are doing it. Thanks for the big smile you put on my face with your post, loved it.

Reply

The_Exquisite_Christine April 7, 2010 at 3:21 pm

Two kick ass workouts in one day! Keep up the great work (and take care of kitty). ♥

Reply

MaryFran April 7, 2010 at 5:03 pm

Wooo hooo!!! You rock!

First of all, I have to say that you have inspired me. I worked out for an hour this morning and I have something planned for when I get off work…but I've been half way trying to talk myself out of it. No more….after reading your post I realized that if you could sacrifice your lady bits, I could manage a second workout (which ironically is on my bike outdoors…so my lady bits will be screaming….even though I do have the padded shorts).

Reply

Tara April 7, 2010 at 5:15 pm

Woo! Sounds like you had a good workout, if not a good time. My abs get sore from spinning too – I think it's from keeping yourself from leaning too hard on your wrists while pedalling.

I also love that you reposted my comment where I begged you to take a gel seat.

Reply

Leaving Fatville April 7, 2010 at 7:28 pm

Not that it's ANY kind of comparison, but I totally whacked myself in the hoohah with a 25lb kettle bell during a swing. I saw stars, headed for the floor and curled up in a ball. I had sore bones for a week. (And of course it was the week for KB swings, all week.)

So, I empathize with your sore lady bits and wish you speedy healing.

Reply

Curvy Girl April 7, 2010 at 9:21 pm

I heart your posts. Way to go for enduring the entire class! I have not tried spinning as of yet. But I do crack up at hearing the term lady bits…I think I will start interjecting hoohah and ladybits into as much conversation as possible. :o)

Reply

Kyle Gershman April 7, 2010 at 9:46 pm

Oh my freaking goodness, that had me chuckling all the way.

I wonder if there is an appropriate way for each gender to compare the degree of impact a bicycle seat really does have on their respective delicates, and I don't mean the wash cycle.

Considering that between the two genders, one has an "inney" and one as an "outtey", I just wonder if that makes a diff, cuz my outtey can complain (after the feeling and blood returns to it) quite a lot.

Reply

cmoursler April 8, 2010 at 12:18 am

When I used to cycle in my teen years, it would just go numb..and I never worried..cause I was a virgin and virgins don't worry about things like that..
now…
not so much.

Reply

K. April 8, 2010 at 6:11 am

Wahahahaha! That is hilarious and It is precisely what spinning without a gel seat does to you! I experienced it first hand and also wondered if I'd be able to bear children afterwards, lol. But after about 3 tries WITH THE GEL SEAT, you get hooked! lol.Keep up the great work!
K.
my blog: http://www.it-is-time.com

Reply

K. April 8, 2010 at 6:11 am

Wahahahaha! That is hilarious and It is precisely what spinning without a gel seat does to you! I experienced it first hand and also wondered if I'd be able to bear children afterwards, lol. But after about 3 tries WITH THE GEL SEAT, you get hooked! lol.Keep up the great work!
K.
my blog: http://www.it-is-time.com

Reply

Katy April 8, 2010 at 9:29 am

One time I had to leave class because it felt like my shorts were crawled up into the ladybit so far it was cutting off circulation. To my surprise the shorts were still in place? I think the seat had cut off all circulation and then when I stood up the blood flow was starting to come back causing SUPER PAIN! I hate spinning, which is why I'm signed up for an 8:45 class this saturday. PS-love your blog!

Reply

Sonya @ Eyes on the Hourglass April 8, 2010 at 10:15 am

Hey there,

I just found your blog through "watch my butt shrink's" blog. You are too funny!!!!!

I totally feel your pain with the spin class. Dear god, I did the same a few months ago and my lady bits were HURTING…I could hardly get off the bike!

It's great to hear I found another gal doing the C25K too. I'm just heading into week 3 myself. Keep it up girl…your lady bits will thank you!

Reply

Laura April 8, 2010 at 11:54 am

Oh my gosh! Love your blog! Just came upon it today and I think this is the best post EVER!!!!!

I've heard spinning is really tough, but a funny story; I rode my exercise bike for 30 minutes the other day and got off and couldn't feel my downstairs. Then I moved around a bit the blood started rushing there and it was practically orgasmic! Never experienced that before. LOL!

Thanks for the post!

http://nomoreweightforme.blogspot.com

Reply

Pubsgal April 8, 2010 at 2:27 pm

Too funny! Spin class does get easier on the lady bits, and I've grown to really like spin class. Word of caution, though: once your hoohah is acclimated, don't go too long between classes, or else you have to reacclimate all over again. (1x per week seems to work okay…which is why I'm dreading going back to spin class, I haven't been in a couple of weeks.) Not sure if the experience is different with padded shorts or gel seat, I never did get either of them.

If you really want to put the "fun" back in "functional fitness," please try and review a pilates class. Much comic material there! And your kitty will still be speaking to you afterward, no worries there.

Reply

Merri April 8, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Theres a playroom at your gym? Wow! Im starting to feel like my gym is severly lacking. Not that I have kids, so I don’t even need a playroom. But it just seems fancier to say 'oh yes my gym has a play room. Now I'm off to my spinning class.' lol. Your story strangely made me WANT to try a spinning class. Even though you are very clearly dead in that photo. So I guess it’s a good thing we don’t have those here.
Your days are VERY busy. You describing everything..so jam packed!

Reply

MMM April 9, 2010 at 10:11 pm

OMG!!!! I laughed so hard reading this!!!! And that picture in the end… priceless!!! HA HA HA!!! Keep up the good work my dear!

Reply

Leave a Comment

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: