hello, kitty (part one)

by MrsFatass on March 17, 2010

So, those of you who follow me on Twitter know that I spent a good part of the day Monday yapping with the girls about hairless ladyparts.

Yeah. I said it.

It started when I stumbled on this post from Drazil, and if you haven’t read it yet, you must. Really. I’ll wait. A total scream, no?

So, I tweeted out the link and as people read it we began talking about Adventures in Hair Removal. And if you A. Took a moment to read Drazil’s post, and B. Have read any one of the installments of my Three Bodily Functions and an Engagement Ring series, then you know that I love me some good old fashioned TMI. Seriously, I do. Yours and mine, because I’m both a gawker and an exhibitionist. (You’ll also notice that my comment on that post demanded a definition for Lady Nuts. I thought I had a pretty expansive vocabulary, but I had no idea what Lady Nuts were. Do you?)

Well, just when I thought all that needed to be said about skinning the beaver had indeed been said, Drazil’s friend and partner in crime weighed and not only shared with us the actual definition of the aforementioned ladynuts, she too left me laughing and gasping for breath as I read her account of making smooth the monkeybump. So, back to Twitter I went.

By the end of the day I had a collection of Tweets and emails of my own, asking me to share my experiences with the unwrapping of the sexybox. Because it seems it is just assumed that I do in fact have experience in this area.

You were right, natch.

In another time, on another blog far far away, I actually discussed this very topic. I think it’s a good jumping off point for a new series on weeding the love garden. Here’s Part One, a repost from 2008, that we can now call Hello, Kitty. Enjoy.

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I am typically not a very hairy person. I can shave my legs once or twice a week and not slice my Trophy Husband’s legs to ribbons. I can shave under my arms every other day without ever looking manly. I don’t wax a moustache or my arms. But, several months ago I got it in my head that I wanted to get a bikini wax. Not one of those crazy South American deals – just a simple, respectable, triangular wax so that I wouldn’t have to worry about the looks of the south mouth as bathing suit season approached.

There was just one little problem – expense. No extra money for frivolous hair removal these days, much as I’d like to plan a day at the salon grooming lulu.

Trophy Husband, on the other hand, is a bit hairy. Not on his head, mind you, but his shoulders and back are a little, uh, fuzzy. Being a good and loyal wife, a few times a year I help him “manage the hair,” usually with some combination of clippers, razors, and a Nair product. This year, however, because I had it in me to try something new, we bought an at home wax kit. I would make his shoulders and back as smooth as a baby’s bottom. And in return, he’d de-beard the clam.

He went first, and I LOVED IT. Seriously, it worked SO WELL. I mean, aside from his yelping and wincing and sweating like a girly man, his shoulders were smooth and hairless as the day he was born. (And there were hardly any welts at all.) Of course I did a fair amount of teasing when he complained, because, well, it didn’t LOOK like it hurt, and besides, I’VE HAD BABIES. No comparison to the zip of the strip as we mangroomed my love.

So, needless to say, I was feeling brave and more than a little cocky, and decided the bikini line was a go. Trophy Husband proceeded to put a glop of wax on my (very delicate) triangle of love, and we waited a few seconds for it to set.

And I began to sweat.

And shake.

And even panic.

There was no way he was qualified to do this. No way he could zip off the little strip without removing something medically necessary for enjoyable adult playtime. And no way I could handle the pain of ripping off the little strip of wax. Or even just the thought of pain. I F.R.E.A.K.E.D. Freaked. TOTALLY freaked.

And I wouldn’t let him rip off the strip.

After a few minutes of crying, dousing the area in baby oil, heating it up with the hair dryer, and did I mention crying, Trophy Husband managed to lift the strip up high enough to slide in some nail scissors and actually trim the strip off of the hair. And, of course, he teased me for all of my wincing and crying and yelping through the process. With all of the indignance I could muster, I tried to make him feel guilty for teasing me when I all I really needed was my big strong man to save the day.

And he said, “Honey, quit being such a girl.”

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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }

JourneyBeyondSurvival March 17, 2010 at 5:23 am

speechless because the laughter is echoing so loudly in my brain.

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Michelle March 17, 2010 at 5:24 am

crying. oh hotass. your poor husband. it just keeps getting funnier. who are you?

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Miz March 17, 2010 at 5:44 am

you are too freakin funny (types the Jewish woman who covets your hairlesness).

Do you remember NADS?
Sold on tv?
like a home waxing kit thang?
used that on my husband (HIS REQUEST).

I could barely strip the strips off as well 🙂

see you soon!!

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Joanna Sutter, www.fitnessandspice.com March 17, 2010 at 8:04 am

I am Italian. 'nough said!

I shave/wax/pluck something every day.

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The Monkey and Me March 17, 2010 at 8:07 am

get a pro to do it the first time sister! God grief. I would never let a man do my nether regions. But after you get it done once in a salone – head over to Sally Beauty Supply and buy the GiGi microwave hemp wax, and you can take car eof it yourself from then out – and the girls at Sally shoul dbe able to tell you how to use stuff and what other products to get. Seriously. It's not that bad – and once you're broken in it's smooth sailing from then on out:)

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Jen March 17, 2010 at 8:27 am

Wow… my husband would NEVER do that. He would have said, You got yourself in this mess… get out.

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Helen March 17, 2010 at 8:33 am

I wish they had those little bug eyed smilies available on comments. Just saying.

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Momma Hunt March 17, 2010 at 8:51 am

Hysterical!!!!!!! If I wasn't such a baby I would go get this done tomorrow (not by hubby but by a profession, since I am less likely to freak out)

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Kyle Gershman March 17, 2010 at 9:23 am

Ok, I'm awake now.

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Drazil March 17, 2010 at 9:33 am

Thanks for the shout out! Did you see the comment from one lady on mine that her husband totally did hers for her too! I'm going with MSP – no female castration scares. And a damn pink heart at the top per Southern Belle's recommendation. The things we do for our own vanity and our silly hubbies. You're too funny! I can't enough of this convo – cuz it makes me giggle and giggling is FUN!

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Missy March 17, 2010 at 10:29 am

Oh my gosh – that's hilarious! I definitely would suggest going to salon to have that taken care of – it's surprisingly not a bad experience (if you haven't done it to date). I thought of it as therapy, because after opening up wide down there I could open up pretty wide with my personal life too ;o)

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TJ March 17, 2010 at 10:59 am

lol too funny!

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Drazil March 17, 2010 at 11:06 am

MSP is magic shave powder. My BFF says it is easy and quick and only $3.99 at Walgreens. In fact, the hubby says all the prisoners use it when they aren't allowed to use razors. I gotta get me some ASAP.

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JewliaGoulia March 17, 2010 at 11:08 am

Ok, love this. I have considered using these kits. . . no more. I am pretty sure that if you freaked (having had children and me not so) I would die!

Glad TH was there to "help." I would have panicked and walked around all day with the strip still on.

LOL

Julia
http://jewliagoulia.blogspot.com

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Angelia March 17, 2010 at 11:12 am

Oh that is hysterical! ROFL! Thanks for the link to Drazil-what a funny lady! I don't know if I could get my hubs to assist me in this endeavor. He'd be to afraid of catching the blame it hurt me. 😛

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Erin March 17, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Hilarious – I've never had the guts to wax down below, but the razor and I are quite friendly…so I understand Drazil's experience!

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Kelly March 17, 2010 at 12:48 pm

That is hilarious!! I'm glad this topic is brought up actually. I didn't know that you were even supposed to do anything to that area until I had my son. The nurse was getting me ready for my c-section and said, "Oh honey. Time to trim the bushes! Maintenance! You gotta keep that trimmed." I had no idea! I guess this is something moms don't share with daughters and friends don't go around discussing. usually.

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orangeboo March 17, 2010 at 3:35 pm

I really needed a good laugh today! New to the weightloss blogosphere… and am completely loving the reads. Its so awesome that we have support when we all need it the most!

Next time, dont be so afraid of the pull though… it may not be as bad as you might think?

losingthefatkid.blogspot.com

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seattlerunnergirl March 17, 2010 at 5:40 pm

At the risk of repeating myself, these stories are why I never "go in" on my own. There are some things better left to professionals, and ripping my pubes out by the root? That's one of them. 🙂

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Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit March 17, 2010 at 5:49 pm

You had me at ladynuts. You… had me… at… ladynuts…

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Merri March 17, 2010 at 7:41 pm

Hmm that seems def like a thing best left to professionals… ive never done the whole waxing thing down there, scissors and razor do fine, but if I did, I would absolutely go to see someone who knew what they were doing. Yes I did not realize you were supposed to do anything at all down there till I was around 22 or so, I forget how I discovered that fact, but definitely no one told me that at puberty. I'm going over to read that other post so I can find out what ladynuts are. 🙂

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Jenn March 17, 2010 at 9:03 pm

I'm crossing my legs in sympathy pain! Never – I could never. Shaving is enough for me!

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Tami March 17, 2010 at 11:54 pm

Oh my goodness this was so funny, just what I needed to finish off my day!

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Anonymous March 18, 2010 at 8:51 am

Amiable dispatch and this enter helped me alot in my college assignement. Thanks you on your information.

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Lucas March 18, 2010 at 4:50 pm

That was more euphamisms for the vajayjay than I could ever hope to shake a stick at!

Hooray for bald kitties! Boo for waxing freak outs. Try a razor sometime. 🙂

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Christy in Seattle March 18, 2010 at 10:47 pm

lol. seriously.

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Christy in Seattle March 18, 2010 at 10:47 pm

lol. seriously.

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Christy in Seattle March 18, 2010 at 10:48 pm

lol. seriously.

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Christy in Seattle March 18, 2010 at 10:50 pm

sorry about the multiples/ deleted messages. My cat decided to help me post 😉

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linds April 6, 2010 at 11:42 am

Oh the horror we go through to de-nest the love nest! Yea, you know how it says on the Nair bottle "Do not use on sensitive areas"? Apparently, the hooter cooter is EXACTLY the sensitive area they are referring to. After application of said product, it feels as though someone has doused the coot in lighter fluid and proceeded to throw a lit match to it. After waiting the estimated 20 minutes with tears streaming down my face, I rinsed. Nice and smooth. Yay! I thought. However, once the area was dry I was able to understand the true damage that was caused. Out of the bathroom I walked – or um crawled/crouched in the semi squat position – with legs spread wide. This could be better understood as a walking plia/crab walk, though not nearly as graceful as either a ballet dancer or a crab. Crying, I begged the honey to lotion it, blow on it, SOMETHING! Just fix it! Through tears of her own (from laughter) she explained there was nothing that could be done. While looking at her watch, she exclaimed "Time of death, 5:25.""Bitch", I mumbled as I crab walked off.
For 9 days, the kit cat felt just like a babies butt. A babies butt that was left in a tanning bed for two hours, covered in lighter fluid and set on fire. When the day came that the blisters were healed and the redness was gone……. the hair had grown back.

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JourneyBeyondSurvival June 23, 2010 at 5:00 pm

EverySingleTime I read one of your TMI posts again, it is even more fun. You MUST write a book. It will be better than Bridget Jones Diary. It already is.

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