now for something completely different

by MrsFatass on January 13, 2010

I’m afraid today isn’t going to be one of those laugh-a-minute, Holy Smokes that Hotass is brilliant, I am inspired to go out into the world and do things RIGHT kind of posts. Because today? I’m tired. Not so much embracing my inner hotass as I am dragging it.I had high hopes for yesterday, because I got to do a really cool thing. I got to help somebody. Somebody had a problem, I heard it, and I got to do something to influence them in a positive way. That is a unique opportunity, and one that I don’t take lightly. It was really effing cool. And so what could go wrong on a day like that?

Well, Universe, apparently you’re really big on the whole Yin and Yang thing, because the day steadily went downhill from there.

I’m not going to go into specifics – shocking, I know – but I will say this. I have spent the last 24 hours fighting that standingoverthekitchensinkeating urge Tooth And Nail. It took every bit of strength in me not to self medicate with a Supersized Fry from McDonalds on the way home from class last night, and I was seriously telling myself OUT LOUD not to succumb to the fried-bologna biscuit sandwich as I drove past Hardees on the way home from dropoff this morning.

All this willpower? Exhausting.

And that’s not the only thing that is exhausting. I’m tired of a lot of things. I’m tired of bad news. Of cold weather. Of earthquakes. Of working hard to make every decision the right one, but the ONE we make that is wrong yanks us back so far our heads spin. I’m tired of knowing people who get sick or who die of anything but the most peaceful, dignified, natural, old-age death. I am tired of religious people sucking the love and the faith right out of Christianity.

And, while I am honored beyond belief to able to write a post that can turn another person’s day around, to impact their mood or their outlook or their belief that they can do it, I am tired of being helpless to do anything to help the people I am closest to, who I care about the most.

I’m tired.

But because I’m on this Embracing my Inner Hotass kick, instead of wallowing, I’m going to try to find a way to press on without later having to cry and VLOG about the far reaches of my pantry I managed to consume while feeling sorry for myself. Because that is just not the way I want to deal with things anymore. I’ve been trying new ways of coping with problems and challenges in my life over the last few months, and while one person’s creative is another person’s crazy, one person’s outofthebox is another’s WRONG!, and one person’s bandaid is another person’s solution, I am just not content to go back to a place of isolation and sadness and feeling inadequate when I come face to face with another one of life’s curveballs. So, I’m trying.

Anyone read The Secret Life of Bees? Well, it’s been a long time for me, so I’m sure I’m not getting all the details right, but best I can recall one of the characters was a woman who lost a twin sister, and since that loss the pain she felt in her heart was not only her own, but it was like she took on the sorrow of the world. And in their backyard she made a wall – like, a wailing wall – where she and everyone could write their sorrows or worries or pain on a piece of paper, slip it between the rocks, and give it over to the wall.

Something like that.

Well, today that’s what my comments are for. For anyone who wants to let go of a stressor or a worry or a little piece of pain or fear or what have you. Little or big, if it is in your heart and you want it out, write it here. Taking a cue from this hot ass, feel free to be anonymous (which, by the way, is different than Anonymous) and I promise not to follow up with some snarky or contrite fixit motivational quote to try to make you feel better. This is simply an exercise in letting go so that we can get on with the productivity of the day.

You think?

Okay. I’ll go first.

I am worried that Trophy Husband and I will never get ahead. That we’ll never be back at that place of security and stability, along with having a teeny bit of disposable income that we had when we started out together. That, whatever word we’re supposed to be using these days to describe the state of our nation’s economy, my little family won’t recover. Maybe even Trophy Husband and I won’t recover.

I fear that the people who know me who secretly think I never stick with anything long term might be right. That maybe instead of being smart and ambitious and adaptable, really I’m flighty and fickle and afraid.

I fear that when I really have to dissect something dead in my bio class, I will throw up, thus ending yet another educational pursuit.

Your turn. What fears are you facing? What fears are holding you back? Is there something you need to leave at the wall?

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{ 78 comments… read them below or add one }

BEE January 13, 2010 at 11:15 am

I FEAR I WILL NEVER GET TO THE WEIGHT THAT I NEED TO BE AT TO BE ABLE TO BE HEALTHY ENOUGH TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY

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Salina Lyn January 13, 2010 at 11:28 am

Afraid of the possibility of talking to my toxic family again. Afraid of the possibility of not talking to my toxic family again. Feeling insecure and unsure about thinking about the possibility of talking to my toxic family again.

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Anonymous January 13, 2010 at 11:34 am

I'm afraid that my fiance and I will be paying for our wedding for the next 10 years even though we're trying to do it as cheaply as possible.

Why does all the fun stuff in life feel like it's always at the back end of the 5 year plan?!?!?!?!?!

I'm worried that I'll resent my wedding for what I won't be able to do in the meantime.

Thanks for letting me post this here. I needed it today.

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TJ January 13, 2010 at 11:38 am

First of all (HUGS) XOXOX 🙂

Next I think I am most fearful of as I age my back getting worse than it is now. A couple of years ago we were planning a HUGE trip to Italy and Paris and I could not finalize the plans and pay for it knowing that I can't even stand up for more than 30 minutes without needing to sit or lie down. Scares me.

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Jules - Big Girl Bombshell January 13, 2010 at 12:02 pm

I am most afraid that all my hard work and dedication, will certainly change my life but won't change my body. The plateau of 3 months following points, adding exercise, blogging is making me happier but I can't see so much the changes on the outside. I get stupidly fearful that my body will stay at this set point forever. Irrational, yes but most of my fears are.

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Rebecca January 13, 2010 at 12:13 pm

wow… I'm amazed at how many similar fears some of us share.

although not engaged yet, I fear Anonymous worries regarding my future wedding.

and like you Mrs.FatAss I worry too that all of my SO's friends think I can't stick to anything. They've seen me dieting for the past 7 years and I'm only NOW losing the weight. oh, and we won't even discuss how many hobbies I've started and stopped in that meantime.

but above all, I worry that it won't ever be enough. I'll always want more, that it will never be good enough. I need to work on that.

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Michelle January 13, 2010 at 12:13 pm

hugs, hugs and hugs.

you may not always cope the best…but you're also not coping like you used to–that's what I tell myself.

I am scared out of my mind taking on a huge amount of debt to go back to school. I don't want to let my family down.

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aperfectversionofmyself January 13, 2010 at 12:23 pm

I am never going to be out of debt or even comfortable at this rate. I am paying off debt so slowly (debt that is my own stupid fault) that I feel like I am never going to get ANYWHERE in life.

And everytime I turn around, it seems to get worse and worse.

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JewliaGoulia January 13, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Sue, I seriously love you!

I share fear with other bloggers, it seems.

I fear that Tim and I will never regain financial composure. Once we pay off our current debt, we are still left with my impeding pile of student loans.

I'm scared that if I EVER talk to my toxic in-laws again, I will begin to stress eat, reversing all progress I have made on my journey.

Secretly, I am scared that my marriage won't last because of many of these above mentioned fears. I'm nervouse that I am not being a good wife. That I am a horrible daughter-in-law, and that we are financially ruined.

Most of all I am terrified of losing myself. I feel like I have lost all of my artistic creativity. I still have 2 1/2 years of college and I am not sure i can make it through. Worse yet, if I DO manage to make it through, WTF am I going to do with a degree in Photography.

I am scared of growing up. I am scared of being me.

The future terrifies me, but I am jumping in head first.

Julia
http://jewliagoulia.blogspot.com

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orangeboo January 13, 2010 at 12:40 pm

I am afraid that my journey to a better me will push everyone away from me. I am afraid that now I focus all of my time and energy into making me happy, making me healthy, will send my friends and family running for the hills. I am afraid it won't effect my career in a positive way.

Most of all, I am afraid that everyone will see me fail and fall flat on my fat ass.

But the important thing that has the job of keeping these fears at bay is the fact that if things dont change, if I don't focus and get healthy and drop the weight, I will die at an early age with something that could have been prevented.

Keep your chin up, this too shall pass

Shanna @ losingthefatkid.blogspot.com

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Tonyne January 13, 2010 at 12:46 pm

I fear that the husband and I will never be able to buy a house or have children. The husband has health issues, we don't have insurance, we live paycheck to paycheck. I also feel like everyone is just assuming that this is something else that I won't stick with, even though I've been on my journey for over a year now. I live in fear that I will fail. I am turning 30 in March and I have no idea what I want to be "when I grow up". I feel like I'm flopping around like a fish out of water unsure of…everything.

Thanks for giving us some where to let it all out.

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fitlounge January 13, 2010 at 12:46 pm

Hey you Mrs. Hotness.. *big ole hug*

I fear I won't find another job before my current one expires..I hate answering the phone whenever they get out of big meetings.. I just know its the layoff spell coming.. sigh.. but I have faith and I know it will carry me through

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Min January 13, 2010 at 12:58 pm

I'm so with you today…

I fear…
– that my kids will never put the energy into their schooling (and therefore, their futures) that I do.
– that I'll never lose these 28 pounds now that I'm old with the metabolism of a slug.
– that I'll never really be happy with myself & my life because it's not perfect.

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Chai Latté January 13, 2010 at 12:59 pm

I am becoming afraid that the physical pains I have at the gym are psychosomatic. That my brain is trying SO hard to keep me fat even though I want to lose more than anything.

I can't find a way to know. And I don't know hot to fix it anyway.

I am fearful that I will continue to work as hard as I do and never see results for the rest of my life.

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'Drea January 13, 2010 at 1:04 pm

Hang in there.

I have nothing to wail about today because when I'm feeling overwhelmed and tired, I tend to hunker down and get quiet while waiting out the storm…

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Fat Chick January 13, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Wow, what an amazing post and comment log. 🙂

I too fear I'll never get out of this debt hole that I got myself into.

I fear that if I do take the plunge to buy a house I'll make the wrong decision and have nothing but problems that I can't handle. I fear that my brother's right and that I can't handle a house.

I fear that what "that friend" said about me might be right and that scares the shit out of me.

I fear that this plateau that I'm in on my journey isn't a plateau but another failure that I've places myself in.

I fear that I'll never feel I'm worthy of losing weight and being healthy.

I fear that I'll never get married and that I'll never have kids of my own. (And, yes I tell everyone that that's OK but really, it isn't.)

I fear that my business will fail.

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Tony the Pink Panda January 13, 2010 at 1:13 pm

I fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life.

Downer time!

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sUsAn January 13, 2010 at 1:31 pm

i kinda feel like a jerk for taking this day to make my first comment on your blog (which i'm glad i found), but you said i could 😉

i fear that i will never stop being consumed by the fear of failure… i don't know why i have so much fear, but i do… i'm underemployed b/c i fear i'll never find the job i've always wanted, so i don't even try b/c i'm afraid i'll go for it and fail…

what if i never find a way to stop being so afraid of failure???

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Tania January 13, 2010 at 1:37 pm

I fear that I won't take the weight off and won't keep it off and will spend my life being a yo yo dieter like my mom.

I fear that we won't pay off our debt and that some day it will get the best of us and we won't have enough money to continue with our current situation of paying some down only to charge it right back up.

I fear that I'll never find a career that will fulfill me. In my current position I feel like I've lost a bit of the happy person I used to be and I don't know how much of that is because of the job and how much is just because of me not trying hard enough to do things to make myself happy.

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cmoursler January 13, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Here is my fear…
My brother has AIDS. He had medicine that was working for him..but about a month ago it stopped working for him.
He only has one stronger type left and that is it. That is the reason I am going home. I don't want him to die before I get there. I also want to make him proud of me and I want to lose most of my weight before I go.
I feel afraid that I will let him down, but more afraid that I won't get there in time.
Thanks Sue, for some reason Ihaven't been able to say that out loud. Because I am afraid If i say it, it makes it true.

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TLEstrogen January 13, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Hang in there girly.

I'm afraid all my hard weight work is for naught and that my weight will take forever to lose.

I'm also afraid that certain toxic family members will not respect our wishes and stay away. They've already disrespected us numerous times and are a big reason why I gained all this stinking weight in the first place.Let me rephrase that: My weight gain was not their fault. My weight gain was caused by my emotional reaction to their immaturity. There now I phrased it right..ha! We had to lay down the law and let them know we would be filing harassment charges if they didn't leave us alone (not gonna get into it but no fun–can you even imagine getting to that point with anyone?)

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Erin January 13, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Ok, ok, I delurked! 😀

~I fear I will never bring home a decent salary in my line of work without having to work 2 jobs (or more) at a time.

~I fear that I don't spend enough time with my son because I work so much just to stay afloat.

~I fear that I won't be able to send my son to college, or give him the things that most people have growing up – vacations, extracurricular activities, sporting events, daytrips, etc.

~I fear that my plateau will never be broken despite my almost (constant) efforts in changing up workouts, being consistent w/ nutrition, and getting adequate sleep. I've been in the same 5 pound range for almost a year…and I'm sick of it!

~I fear that I'll never find someone to date, let alone love. Marriage is so far off my radar I'm not sure I even want it. I'm judgmental, picky, jaded, opinionated, and (mostly) a hermit.

Ok, dropped to the wall…or however the story goes.

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Angie P January 13, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Chin up…thing will come around!

I fear that I will one day wake-up and not care again and gain all that I have lost.

I fear that we will not be able to afford the college educations my children desire (like their first choice college)

I fear that when the kids are grown and gone, hubby and I won't even recognize the people we are now.

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dani31608 January 13, 2010 at 3:14 pm

Hang in there!

I fear everything. There, I said it. I openly admit that I AM flighty and fickle and afraid.

I'm scared to go back to school in the fall because I fear failure.

I'm scared to start seriously looking for a job because I fear embarrassment and humiliation … because I'm socially awkward. And fat. And goodness knows the world isn't always kind to fat people.

I'm scared The Mr. will never find another job that he's happy again and will eventually resent moving back to MS form MA.

I fear that my children will think of me as a failure. I also fear that my weight struggles have damaged them in some weight. At the very least, I need to get this weight off so that I can no longer be a source of pain for them.

I fear that I don't have what it takes to get down to a healthy weight. If I go deeper than that, the core of it all is the fear of dying. I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it! And not so much the pain of it (though that freaks me out, too) but the inevitable feeling of having wasted it all … having never really lived … having never mattered in the big scheme of things.

I fear my kids growing up. What if they leave and take a big piece of my heart with them?

I fear not letting my kids grow up. I don't want them to end up like me!

I fear that one day "Depression" will come back and consume me. I don't want to live like that ever again!

I fear that my father would be disappointed in me if he was still alive.

I fear that God IS disappointed in me.

Whew! That was tough.

Thank you.

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dani31608 January 13, 2010 at 3:15 pm

Evidently I also fear proof reading 'cause "Holy typos, Batman!".

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Christie O. January 13, 2010 at 3:39 pm

fear is the worst. i have a fear of open water swimming and in april i'm supposed to swim almost a mile in the ocean.

i guess the only thing to do is face it head on. i know i'll be stronger on the other end, but right now i kind of just want to barf.

we'll see what happens. but if you stand up to your fears, i'll stand up to mine, mkay? this journey's freakin hard. wish someone would've told me! 🙂

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Quix January 13, 2010 at 3:43 pm

Whew, ok.

I'm afraid of children – both that I'll have one and resent them because I wasn't ready to give up living just for ME and that I'll wait too long and then decide I want a family.

I'm afraid that this athlete thing is just another phase and I'll get frustrated and burnt out and just gain weight again like I did when I quit after high school.

I'm afraid that while I have a fairly secure high paying job in an industry I love – I'm not in love with my day to day and my soul is getting sucked because I don't get to be creative much anymore.

I'm also afraid I'll lose this job and have to start the climb and the political posturing and the silly shell games all over again. It's exhausting…

I'm afraid I'll never be extraordinary at something.

I'm afraid I'll never be able to retire. My 401k got decimated with the market crash and I haven't had the confidence to restart one at my current job.

I'm afraid of people dying someday. And in a selfish way. Don't leave me, damnit.

There's a good start. Now I'm going to go rock back in forth in the corner for a while… heh.

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Anonymous January 13, 2010 at 3:44 pm

I afraid I have made a mistake by only having one child due to my fear of having another miscarriage. I am afraid I have cheated him out of a sibling because of the trauma of my miscarriages. And people? That sucks.

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T_Ro_Dub January 13, 2010 at 3:48 pm

I am completely afraid of failure. And what's really scary is that the definition of failure changes every day.

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moonduster January 13, 2010 at 3:53 pm

I'm afraid that I'll be stuck at this plateau (that I've been at for five weeks now) for much longer and never lose the last 10 pounds after I have already come so far.

I'm afraid that I'll never be able to afford to take my family back with me to the US, and that my parents will suffer even more health setbacks and leave this earth before I get to take my youngest kids to see them.

I'm afraid that I will never be able to rebuild my on-line businesses back to their former state after recent setbacks.

I'm afraid that I will never get my book finished and ready for publication.

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seattlerunnergirl January 13, 2010 at 4:59 pm

I'm afraid that I won't be able to forgive my husband for NOT believing I can do this.

I'm also afraid he might be right.

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Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit January 13, 2010 at 5:24 pm

My fear is that I'll yo-yo back, just as I've done every other time I've ever dropped the weight. It'll start slowly, but I'll just turn a blind eye to what's happening and before you know it, I'll be shaking my head and wondering how I ever could have let it happen… again.

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Kyle Gershman January 13, 2010 at 5:58 pm

I have lived my entire life in fear. My only fear is that I will continue to live in fear. I've done my absolute best to set those fears down.

I can only do the best that I can do every damned day. I have ZERO control over the future and the actions of others in the universe.

Remember FDR…"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself."

Kyle

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Christina January 13, 2010 at 5:58 pm

I fear… that the good, healthy feelings I've been fostering (and am continuing to foster) in the last few weeks will fade, and I'll be in that standing-over-the-sink-eating spot again myself, and that the willpower I have right now is all fake.

I fear… that even when I get to where I want to be, I still won't be good enough for everybody else.

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Jenn January 13, 2010 at 6:12 pm

I fear that my husband will find out I have thousands of dollars of credit card debt. I've been paying it off, but he's such a credit freak – he can't stand it at all, and we've gotten into horrible fights about my spending in the past. I don't know what he'd do if he found out about my current debt.

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footdr69 January 13, 2010 at 6:13 pm

I fear that once its time, and I'm forced to choose…Someone will be hurt….

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ARJules January 13, 2010 at 6:18 pm

Okay… *deep breath*

I fear that I will lose my job and not be able to find one and not be able to pay my bills.

I fear that I will never find balance in my life again and will always never feel quite right and a little angry.

I fear that I will remain single and will never have someone to share things with.

I fear spiders. Because… well, they are creepy and some of them jump!

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Christy in Seattle January 13, 2010 at 6:24 pm

I'm worried that I'll never learn how to protect myself from the toxic shit that most people pump into the fibers of my being on a regular basis. I'm worried that I'll spend so much time worrying and caring about others that I forget (oh! so conveniently) to worry and care about myself. I'm worried that I won't find work. I'm worried that no matter what I do, I won't escape my genetic destiny. I'm worried that my mom will die a horrible death. I'm worried that my sister who hasn't been to see a doctor in 18 years will drop dead of a heart attack. I'm worried about my brother as he goes thru his divorce. I'm worried that I'm ridiculous. I'm worried that I'll never find a gal pal here in Seattle. I'm worried that I'm crazy (sometimes). I'm worried that I cling so tightly to illusions.

Whew!

Sometimes you just need to LET IT OUT!

Thanks, to my favorite hotass!

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seattlerunnergirl January 13, 2010 at 7:01 pm

I know I already posted, but I just have to say…what an AMAZING post. I'm blown away by peoples' honesty and am really honored to be a part of this community.

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KS January 13, 2010 at 7:01 pm

Big hugs to you. Thanks for "the wall."

I'm afraid that we'll never get out of the debt.

I'm afraid that I'll never get to a healthy weight because injury and illness have been stopping me for the last couple of months.

I'm afraid of ending up alone because we weren't able to have children.

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Karen (KCLAnderson) January 13, 2010 at 7:23 pm

Brilliant 🙂

Right now I am afraid that the fact that I have Lyme disease and several other "health issues" (even though I am working to fix/cure them) will not be the reason(s) I've been struggling with my weight and that, once again, it's will be because I am a lazy, slovenly, glutonous pig and that my brief but glorious 55-pound weight loss was a flash in the pan.

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CALORIE GIRL January 13, 2010 at 7:40 pm

I'm afraid that I'll remember all the things I was once afraid of that disappeared as time went by and I forgot about.

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Gigi January 13, 2010 at 8:20 pm

Thanks for this brilliant idea of yours. Sending all good thoughts your way.

I'm afraid that I'll wind up living a life of little consequence because up to this point, so many of my decisions have been based in fear and I don't have a clue as to what I really want out of life. And time is not on my side. Pathetic but true.

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Regina January 13, 2010 at 8:56 pm

I am afraid of the decisions we make when we are "putting off" making the decision…and then it becomes final – and it's too late to change it.

BTW, on the flip side of stating fears – I host Wishing Wednesdays where your wildest dreams can come true…at All Things Me. Please join.

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The_Exquisite_Christine January 13, 2010 at 9:59 pm

I am afraid that the vasectomy didn't take and our marriage won't survive another pregnancy.

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Anonymous January 13, 2010 at 10:40 pm

I'm afraid that all these years of studying won't lead to a job in my field.

I'm afraid that my husband won't get another job and that we will go through our life savings (again). We aren't young anymore and are running out of time to rebuild.

I'm afraid my idiot dog will go through the lake ice and as there is no one around here to help me, I will have to watch him drown.

I'm afraid my son's unit will get sent to Afghanistan and that I will get THAT visit from a bunch of guys in dress uniform.

Ok, I'm crying now, that's enough for today.
B

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Miranda January 13, 2010 at 11:09 pm

Ok…

I fear that I'll never experience the life I KNOW I could have if I could just get healthy, lose weight and use my body again. I fear I'll never enjoy simple things like playing with my children someday because of my weight.

I fear that my husband will decide at some point that he can do better.

I fear that I'll always work for other people and never start a business of my own.

I fear that my mom won't fully recover from the virus that left her paralyzed from the waist down and that her depression will worsen leaving me without the "motherly" mom I selfishly rely on to pick me up when things are tough.

I fear that my body will grow a baby and that I'll look like a fool for always saying "a mom" when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I fear that I will continue holding all of this in without seeking professional guidance and that the stress from the weight on my shoulders will kill me.

Thanks so much for this. I was driving home from a birthday party with my husband and all of these thoughts were rushing through my head. I was fighting crying (being the sterotypical emotional wreck of a wife is exhausting) and this helped so much.

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Miranda January 13, 2010 at 11:09 pm

Ok…

I fear that I'll never experience the life I KNOW I could have if I could just get healthy, lose weight and use my body again. I fear I'll never enjoy simple things like playing with my children someday because of my weight.

I fear that my husband will decide at some point that he can do better.

I fear that I'll always work for other people and never start a business of my own.

I fear that my mom won't fully recover from the virus that left her paralyzed from the waist down and that her depression will worsen leaving me without the "motherly" mom I selfishly rely on to pick me up when things are tough.

I fear that my body will grow a baby and that I'll look like a fool for always saying "a mom" when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I fear that I will continue holding all of this in without seeking professional guidance and that the stress from the weight on my shoulders will kill me.

Thanks so much for this. I was driving home from a birthday party with my husband and all of these thoughts were rushing through my head. I was fighting crying (being the sterotypical emotional wreck of a wife is exhausting) and this helped so much.

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Miranda January 13, 2010 at 11:22 pm

Oops… its that I fear my body won't grow a baby 🙂 And that I'll never learn to proofread or by my own wireless connection instead of jumping on my neighbors causing double comments…

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MMM January 13, 2010 at 11:31 pm

I fear that my body is completely wrecked because of the abuse I made it go threw being "the boss" in my old job.
I fear that it will never go back to normal after pneumonia
I fear that I will have to be on these damn crazy pills forever, and I will never get over this depression.
I fear that I really want another baby, and my body just can't handle it.
I worry that my grandmother will never realize that she hurt me, and that it is not ok to treat your grandkids, or your family the way she did.

Thank you!!! I needed that!

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MizFit January 14, 2010 at 6:03 am

ok
Ive read this a bazillion times and resisted my first comment thought—but here it is.
actually two 🙂
and I know that if I didnt feel I KNEW YOU (you know what I mean) Id not put the first one out of fear you might think that I was…being superficial? offering a platitude?
IM NOT.
it truly is what works for me and keeps me "in check" on my fretting.

so here goes.

first what changed my life entire is the refocusing and mindshifting to WORRYING IS PRAYING FOR WHAT I DO NOT WANT.

it was a shocking ah ha! moment for me that just clicked. that made me think HELL YES! WHEN I RUMINATE I AM KIND OF THINKING OVER AND OVER ABOUT WHAT I DONT WANT TO HAPPEN AND I AM ESSENTIALLY PRAYING FOR THAT!!

so for what it is worth—thats what works for me.

at the same time 🙂 (I can not recall the poem. adored secret life of bees and you and I need to talk sue monk kidd some day!) theres a keats poem I adore which says, to paraphrase, IF WE DONT SQUASH OUR SADNESS (FEARS) LIKE A GRAPE IN THE ROOF OF OUR MOUTH THEN WE CAN NEVER MOVE BEYOND THEM.

and I really really live that as well.

ok

sorry for the long comment—and I didnt even get to my fears!

Carla

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Lisa January 14, 2010 at 9:55 am

I fear that I will never change.

Thank you for this post.

xo

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Sharon January 14, 2010 at 10:23 am

okay I'm a day late, but today, I need it!!

I am terrified that our plans to have a baby will be pushed further and further back because "something else comes up". I want this baby so bad that the sight of other babies causes me to burst into tears. I am scared I'll never be able to look at a baby and just say wow he/she's cute, without attaching all my fears frustrations and longing's onto it's tiny little spirit.

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Emily January 14, 2010 at 5:47 pm

I am missing my Mom. She was diagnosed with Alzheimers 3 years ago (at age 53) and isn't the same person anymore. My heart breaks. I need her for days when being an adult is too hard. For the times I don't know if I'm a good wife or just a big flop. When I need a shoulder to cry on and she's the only one to understand. Even 28 year olds need a Mommy.

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MacMadchen January 14, 2010 at 9:52 pm

I need this so much right now! I have been a mess the last few days, full of fear. Here they are in no particular order…
*That I will never reach a healthy weight
*That I won't be able to have kids due to my weight
*That I will never be able to control my depression without medication
*That my sex drive will never return due to medication.
*That my marriage will suffer (more) from lack of sex drive
*Depression will return and I won't be able to dig out of the black.
*That my melanoma will return.

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Anonymous January 14, 2010 at 9:57 pm

I fear, or better yet am afraid of letting my family down again.

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Chibi Jeebs January 15, 2010 at 12:53 am

Today I felt sad, pissed off, insecure, not *good* enough. Not good enough. That one shadows me all the time. I worry I'll never shake it.

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Terrie January 15, 2010 at 4:02 pm

Great post. You don't have to be cheerful and uppity all the time to inspire people. Let me dig out my inner fears…

* I'm afraid of failing. At everything.

* I'm afraid my marriage is suffering because of my desire to be a "more fit person".

* I fear my anger issues are going to damage my child's self-esteem and she will grow to hate me.

* I fear my insecurities will still be there even after I shed all the body weight.

* I'm afraid of looking for a job because I have no experience, no degree, very few references, and no babysitter… Then I worry if I got a job, that we would only end up worse off if it wasn't an actual "career" that I could hold long-term.

*Sigh* Thanks! I'm just going to keep setting goals and working toward those. Hopefully that will be enough to build up those successes and show myself that I CAN DO ANYTHING. (That I wanna do… Darn my 2 year old and her love of Blue's Clues lol!)

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Losing It- for real January 15, 2010 at 7:26 pm

First of all, you are an amazing and inspirational women!

Second, I'm afraid I'l never finish this damn weight loss journey because my willpower sucks ass. I'm afraid that I will never get a job when I graduate. I'm afraid to wear shorts too.

PS. Better late than never, right?

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Jill January 15, 2010 at 8:17 pm

wow, what a great post. amazing to hear so many people's honest fears – and to realize most of us share the same fears.

i'm scared i'll never be the best version of myself – that i'll never push past the fear, complacency, laziness, awkwardness, etc. to become the person i know i can be.

i'm afraid of what will happen if i reach my goals – what if i'm still unsatisfied? then what?

i'm scared that i'll never have the courage to leave a job that i hate because i'm afraid i'll fail at something else.

i'm afraid i made the wrong decision by not having children – that i've missed out on one of the most incredible experiences life has to offer. but on the flip side, i'm afraid to have kids because i think i'd be a bad mom.

i'm also afraid of seamonsters.

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Onewhocares January 16, 2010 at 6:37 am

Ok, I know this is late too but I'll add my two pees worth,

I'm afraid of failure. Big time. I'm scared that I'll always try and fail, try and fail and then…give up and die of an obesity-related illness.

; )
I am working on this!
Rach

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Anonymous January 17, 2010 at 12:21 am

I'm afraid that I am going to fail at my new job. I've always been successful at work, but, I've already screwed up several times. They keep telling me to grow a thicker skin – that everything, no matter what, will be my fault. Well, that just sucks! I don't want to do my job knowing that, no matter what I do, the customer will never be completely happy…..

I'm afraid that I will never find someone that accepts me for me, or, that I can accept them for them.

I'm afraid (as the first poster mentioned) of talking to my TOXIC mother again. It's been such a relief not talking to her these past couple of weeks, and, I hate to say it, but, I don't miss the conversations.

I'm afraid I'm never going to be truly happy. I look around at my "genetics", and realize that I'm on the same personality-path as they were/are. I'm afraid I'm going to be unhappy, just like them.

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Tatulah January 18, 2010 at 2:33 am

A day late, but relvant.

I'm afraid I'll turn out like my sister. She lost 100+ pounds, left her husband and children and found a "better" life. I pray every night I'm not like her.

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Anonymous January 18, 2010 at 5:46 pm

I'm afraid that I'll never get married again…

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Anonymous January 18, 2010 at 10:08 pm

I'm afraid I'll never do much with my life, never really helping anyone, completely irrelavent.

I fear this sadness I've felt is more than just a mood, that my "dark and twisty" temperment this last year may be depression that I just don't want to deal with.

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Brooke January 20, 2010 at 10:08 am

i fear that i'll never be good enough.

for my husband.

for myself.

i desperately want to be perfect and the harder i try the more miserably i fail.

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Katie J January 20, 2010 at 8:55 pm

* I fear dying young
* I fear never getting married
* I fear that my mother will die soon
* I fear that I am wasting time in my current relationship
* I fear I will never get "ahead"
* I fear that I am being too self-absorbed and not paying enough attention to my friends and family
* I fear that the majority of my life has been a "facade"
* I fear never getting to my "goal" weight

Thank you SO MUCH for this post!

One of my favorite blogs does this on a daily basis with various topics. It is a great way to let go of some of your secrets/fears without damaging others. It is http://secretstorytime.blogspot.com if you want to check it out. It can be a little racy at times so if you are easily offended, I wouldn't suggest it.

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Anonymous January 20, 2010 at 9:26 pm

i'm afraid that if i give myself wholeheartedly to this weight loss thing i won't be able to do it.

only trying partway has given me the caveat 'yeah, but if i REALLY tried i could do it.'

what if i can't?

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Anonymous January 23, 2010 at 3:05 pm

I'll be 40 next year and I'm afraid that I'll never figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I hate my job and I feel guilty because so many people don't have one right now. I feel like a spoiled, unmotivated brat. I am afraid that I'll never figure out what it will take to make me truly happy. If I had no bills, the perfect house in the perfect city and was a perfect size 6 with a "perfect" this and a "perfect" that… I am afraid I'd still be unhappy. That is what I am truly afraid of… I need a fix from the inside out.

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Stacyjo February 3, 2010 at 1:37 pm

I'm afraid I'll never get to a better place with my mother because I can't accept this thing she has become.
I'm afraid my 8 year old is sick beyond what a pill a day can take care of.
I'm afraid my 8 year old isn't sick and he is just a bad seed because I couldn't raise him the way I should have.
I'm afraid I'll never be comfortable enough in my own skin to be naked in front of my husband.
I'm afraid all this fear will suffocate me.

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Anonymous February 9, 2010 at 6:39 am

I'm late to the game, but…

I'm afraid that if I really try to be healthy and lose the weight, I will fail (again). I'm afraid that if I succeed, it won't make me as happy as I am expecting it to. I'm afraid that I can't be the person I want to be. I'm afraid that the person I want to be is completely entwined with the person I look like, and that just doesn't seem right. I'm afraid that I will spend my entire wedding day worried about what people are thinking because I will be a fat bride. I am worried that I will hate my wedding pictures. I'm afraid that my fiancee will come to his senses and realize how awful I really am. And mostly I'm terrified that being afraid is really the only problem I have and I'm letting my fear create so many more problems that I will eventually drown in them.

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Jackie Callahan February 13, 2010 at 12:03 am

I fear that my weight will just go up and up until I blow up and get to be the 500 lb woman that my grandmother was
I fear that I will never be good enough
I fear that I will never be financially stable and that I will wind up poor and dependent in my old age
I fear that I will disappear leaving no mark on the world
I fear that I am mediocre and talentless

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JourneyBeyondSurvival February 15, 2010 at 11:15 pm

I'm afraid that another tragedy will strike.

I'm afraid that I will never be able to cope well with hugely stressful situations without gaining 30 pounds.

I'm afraid another medication will pack on 20 pounds in 10 days.j

I'm afraid that I will sabotage because I can't deal with my HOTness.

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Anonymous May 5, 2010 at 7:20 am

not having a job for almost a year is starting to stress me out.

getting sick again and ending up in hospital

getting older

watching others around you get sick, older, die

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cmoursler May 17, 2010 at 1:55 am

I just wanted to come back to this wall and look at my comment and say…they found a new medicine that works for my brother and I am going home to see him in three weeks.
sometimes the things we fear most, simply don't happen..in fact, most things we fear don't happen.

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Katy June 4, 2010 at 9:41 am

Oh Ms Fatass, I have so so many of the same fears as you. Scott and I started off so strong, with money and so much love and affection I thought we were unbreakable. Then we got swindled by a home remodeling company who ended up walking away with 100k of our money and left us with a ripped up house. Which left me in such a deep depression for the next 3 years, which led to a 50 lb weight gain…and so on. Then we had to tap out all our savings, IRA, 401k's to finish our ripped up house…only to sell and never fully live in. THEN we got hit with taxes because we hit up the money you're never supposed to touch. This was all back in 2005-2008. Trying to recover from a 200k+ loss is heavy to say the least. Now we just found out Friday that our taxes were wrong and we possibly owe an additional 18K from our 2008 taxes…all still stemming from that horrible home remodel gone wrong. I want to catch my breath. Husband and are are better now, much better due in large to me getting my shit together. We are almost back to the way things used to be…as much as that's even possible, but I fear I may lose it again during this new 18k hit. I thought we were in the clear and out of the woods, but I fear we're never going to be out of the woods.

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Katy June 4, 2010 at 9:46 am

I'm also afraid that if I have children, they will ruin my marriage and I may regret it.

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Anonymous September 14, 2010 at 9:28 am

I am afraid that I am a fake. That everything that I have worked to build around me will either crumble down and crush me or feel like a prison and I will try to escape. I am afraid that I missed out on the part of my life that I was supposed to live for me and find myself and now it is too late to be selfish and I would cause too much hurt to the people in my life if I did it now. I am afraid that losing the weight that I have will be resented by people closest to me and make the grass on the other side seem even greener. I am afraid that I will always be lazy and never get my shit together and one day someone will peak behind the curtain and see a scared empty man pulling the levers and pushing the buttons that keep his wonderful life turned on. Oh and I am also afraid that I left the garage door open this morning.

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