Well, Universe, apparently you’re really big on the whole Yin and Yang thing, because the day steadily went downhill from there.
I’m not going to go into specifics – shocking, I know – but I will say this. I have spent the last 24 hours fighting that standingoverthekitchensinkeating urge Tooth And Nail. It took every bit of strength in me not to self medicate with a Supersized Fry from McDonalds on the way home from class last night, and I was seriously telling myself OUT LOUD not to succumb to the fried-bologna biscuit sandwich as I drove past Hardees on the way home from dropoff this morning.
All this willpower? Exhausting.
And that’s not the only thing that is exhausting. I’m tired of a lot of things. I’m tired of bad news. Of cold weather. Of earthquakes. Of working hard to make every decision the right one, but the ONE we make that is wrong yanks us back so far our heads spin. I’m tired of knowing people who get sick or who die of anything but the most peaceful, dignified, natural, old-age death. I am tired of religious people sucking the love and the faith right out of Christianity.
And, while I am honored beyond belief to able to write a post that can turn another person’s day around, to impact their mood or their outlook or their belief that they can do it, I am tired of being helpless to do anything to help the people I am closest to, who I care about the most.
But because I’m on this Embracing my Inner Hotass kick, instead of wallowing, I’m going to try to find a way to press on without later having to cry and VLOG about the far reaches of my pantry I managed to consume while feeling sorry for myself. Because that is just not the way I want to deal with things anymore. I’ve been trying new ways of coping with problems and challenges in my life over the last few months, and while one person’s creative is another person’s crazy, one person’s outofthebox is another’s WRONG!, and one person’s bandaid is another person’s solution, I am just not content to go back to a place of isolation and sadness and feeling inadequate when I come face to face with another one of life’s curveballs. So, I’m trying.
Anyone read The Secret Life of Bees? Well, it’s been a long time for me, so I’m sure I’m not getting all the details right, but best I can recall one of the characters was a woman who lost a twin sister, and since that loss the pain she felt in her heart was not only her own, but it was like she took on the sorrow of the world. And in their backyard she made a wall – like, a wailing wall – where she and everyone could write their sorrows or worries or pain on a piece of paper, slip it between the rocks, and give it over to the wall.
Something like that.
Well, today that’s what my comments are for. For anyone who wants to let go of a stressor or a worry or a little piece of pain or fear or what have you. Little or big, if it is in your heart and you want it out, write it here. Taking a cue from this hot ass, feel free to be anonymous (which, by the way, is different than Anonymous) and I promise not to follow up with some snarky or contrite fixit motivational quote to try to make you feel better. This is simply an exercise in letting go so that we can get on with the productivity of the day.
Okay. I’ll go first.
I am worried that Trophy Husband and I will never get ahead. That we’ll never be back at that place of security and stability, along with having a teeny bit of disposable income that we had when we started out together. That, whatever word we’re supposed to be using these days to describe the state of our nation’s economy, my little family won’t recover. Maybe even Trophy Husband and I won’t recover.
I fear that the people who know me who secretly think I never stick with anything long term might be right. That maybe instead of being smart and ambitious and adaptable, really I’m flighty and fickle and afraid.
I fear that when I really have to dissect something dead in my bio class, I will throw up, thus ending yet another educational pursuit.
Your turn. What fears are you facing? What fears are holding you back? Is there something you need to leave at the wall?