because I still owe you a bodily function

by MrsFatass on December 17, 2009

So, you may remember the story I began telling a while back, the one about 3 bodily functions and an engagement ring? Well, as long as we’re capping off 2009, I suppose it’s time to give you the last installment.

If you’re new to this rag, I’ll recap. The story began with a night out drinking with the girls, cheap beer, natch, followed by a closing time run for the border. And when I’d made it through the hangover of the following day, and was ready to see my hotass Trophy Boyfriend, lo and behold I crapped my pants. While he looked on.

I then had no choice but to fess up.

And after I tried to put what teeny bit of smashed dignity I had back together, I peed on him.

(For those of you playing along, that would cover bodily functions One and Two.)

We resume our story just after I became fully awake, nudie-spooning and mid-tinkle, listening intently to Trophy Boyfriend’s breathing to determine if he was still asleep.

Unfortunately, he was not. So, there was no slipping quietly out of bed to go clean myself up and to blame whatever was left behind on him. DRAT.

Where are you going? He asked sleepily, as I was untangling myself from his octopus arms (he was, and remains to be, an all-night snuggler, and I often find myself a smothered and tangled mass of limbs and sheets and blankets).

Bathroom, I whispered back.

And as I slid out of bed, I tried to subtly wipe my hand across the mattress to determine the size of the, ahem, wet spot. But I felt nothing, and wondered for a split second if the tinkle only landed on me.

No such luck. He moved and stretched and then got a quizzical look and lifted the sheet to see what he was feeling. I considered making a break for it out of the nearest (third story) window, but I just had to see. Thankfully it was just a teeny tiny itty bitty little spot. Of pee.

Which he thought was, um, something else.

And I was spared the humiliation of telling him I had just dreamed his lap was a toilet. I considered that to be a very big victory.

I joyfully leapt to the bathroom to (again) clean myself up, slip into my sexy silky bathrobe, and brush away the morning breath. Then I sneezed. So I grabbed a Kleenex and blew my nose, and returned to the bedroom to give Trophy Boyfriend his First Anniversary of the Great Coupling ’98 present, MONSTERS OF ROCK. Because that’s the kind of guy he is. A spandex kind of guy.

I gave him his gift and he opened it and loved it, and leaned over to plant a smooch on me, stopping short to look at my chest. I didn’t really think twice about that, because if there was one thing I had learned thus far about Trophy Boyfriend, it’s that he was fan of the twins.

But this look was different. What’s that on your chest? he asked.

I looked down.

It was a ginormous booger on my chest, that’s what it was. Bodily Function Number Three.

I’ll give you all a moment to let that sink in.

In fewer than 24 hours, I sharted, tinkled on myself, and shot a boog square on to my own chest. All under the adoring eyes of the man with whom I was about to share a very important milestone.

The humiliation was so great that I honesty don’t remember the details of breakfast and showers and getting dressed and hopping in the car, but we headed off on our anniversary journey to a little Canadian B & B, stopping along the way at one of the many beautiful golf courses to hit some balls and hang out. Because that’s the kind of girlfriend I was – the kind that planned golf weekends for her love because it was his favorite. Not the kind that pooped and peed and snotted all over everyone.

The day was kind of quiet, which I interpreted as tense. And I naturally assumed it was because I was no longer a Hot Sex Kitten in his eyes. Not anymore. How could I be after all that? And as the day went on I got a little more mopey and a little more trapped in my head and a little more sure he was just going through the motions, waiting to break it off once we were back home and he was headed back to his place. Because he thought I was gross.

And he did nothing to combat those thoughts because he was silent and fidgety and seemed very far away.

We arrived, checked in, changed clothes, and headed out to dinner at this little place overlooking the water, and quietly drank wine and ate steaks and did I mention it was quiet? Yep. Pin drop quiet. We had nothing to say to each other.

And once or twice during that meal I almost went ahead and did it for him. Broke things off. Because I just couldn’t take the silence any longer, and I really didn’t want to give him the opportunity to actually say the words I can’t be with you anymore because you sharted. I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover if he said them first.

We finished dinner and went outside, and he suggested we walk down around the water. It was a beautiful warm June night, the moon was bright and reflecting off the lake, and we were alone. Perfect breakup spot. So I took a deep breath and readied myself, and turned to face him.

Only, he wasn’t there. At least not at eye level. He was on bended knee, extending the most beautiful princess cut diamond solitaire I had ever seen.

Will you marry me? He asked. (He’s got a way with words, that one.)

I said yes. Well, actually I didn’t. I said no. First I said no. And then I asked if he was sure, because I was difficult and a mess and he could certainly do better. And then I cried.

He said I don’t want to do better. I want to do you.

And then I said yes.

*the end*

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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Sharon December 17, 2009 at 8:16 am

that SO put me over the hormonal top!!! So sweet! minus the scat, golden showers, and booger play… 😉


Christine December 17, 2009 at 10:03 am

AWWWWW . . . "I don't want to do better, I want to do you"!!!! LOL! Love it. Adorable. Something mine would say. ♥


SikoraBlog December 17, 2009 at 10:05 am

I'm surprised you didn't throw up on him when he proposed (hee-hee)! Another great story that made me smile, laugh & cry all at once


Anonymous December 17, 2009 at 10:33 am

you gotta love a man that proposes after your multiple humiliations. He's a keeper. Can he cook?



Taylorvillegirl December 17, 2009 at 10:35 am

Great story! Congrats on your engagement. Sounds like you have the perfect future husband.


Tania December 17, 2009 at 11:33 am

Wow, that's hilarious! When people ask you how you and hubby got engaged it must be hard to stifle a laugh when thinking about the events that led up to it. Wow, I swear, if I didn't know better I'd think you made it up. Thanks for sharing!


TJ December 17, 2009 at 11:38 am

lol I love that story…and I guess love concours all-including poop, pee, and snot! 🙂


Melissa December 17, 2009 at 11:42 am

AWWW….great story. I teared up a little bit.


JewliaGoulia December 17, 2009 at 12:01 pm

OMG this story is great! I have done some pretty horrific things in front of (and too) Tim before (ha, and after) we got engaged, and now married. I never really understood how I could be so "accidentally gross" and he loved me. I guess to the men-folk it shows that we are REAL. Either that, or they are too lazy to start over looking for a new mate. I kid, we are awesome and that's why they love us!



Quix December 17, 2009 at 12:28 pm

I mean, it makes sense. Boys are gross and we love them. They can put up with our little moments every once in a while, right? 🙂

And I don't want to do better, I just want to do you… just love it.


Salina Lyn December 17, 2009 at 12:29 pm

This is by far my most favoritest engagement story EVER. You're like a relationship ROCK STAR! You caught yourself a good hubby for sure. 😉


Losing It- for real December 17, 2009 at 12:35 pm

Aw, minus the bodily functions, how sweet! hahaha.


yobigmike December 17, 2009 at 1:53 pm

Wow, he's a keeper. Minus witnessing childbirth, that's up there in barf city. Congrats:)


Jessica December 17, 2009 at 8:08 pm

I don't *do* boogers. It's like a phobia or something.

However: CONGRATS!!!!


cmoursler December 18, 2009 at 12:55 am

hey man,
once you had the kids…that shart and booger went right out of his skull….completely replaced by squalling infant and afterbirth.
That story made me tear up….
and no,
he couldn't do better.


MMM December 18, 2009 at 1:01 am

I love that story! So good!!!!!


Kara December 18, 2009 at 1:12 am

Wow, that is the most adorable engagement story I've heard yet! He's definitely a keeper! 🙂


Annalisa201 December 18, 2009 at 1:17 am

*sniff sniff* Beautiful! That is sooooo sweet.

You certainly have a way with words Sue. Your blog is so entertaining, and true. Love it. Do you write? I mean, have you thought about writing seriously, like books or something? Making money for your time? You're amazing.


Frannie December 18, 2009 at 5:03 am

That story should have been completely gross, yet it leaves me with warm fuzzy feelings… Aww…

You had me at "shart."


MizFit December 18, 2009 at 6:57 am

I adore this and in a teeeeeeeeeeny way it is close to what my own now husband said to me.

although his remark included the words eyecandy and wasnt referencing moi 🙂

we love our men.


Heather December 18, 2009 at 12:49 pm

awwww….that was a hilarious story that turned into a very romantic one! loved it!


Chibi Jeebs December 18, 2009 at 7:49 pm

"I don't want to do better. I want to do you."

Aww! Love it! 🙂


Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit December 18, 2009 at 11:25 pm

I think I love you just a little bit, Sue. What a great story…


Ladybug December 22, 2009 at 2:24 pm

I love it! Such a wonderful memorable day for you… OK, so maybe the whole day was not wonderful, but you can definitely say that it is like no other wedding proposal! You gotta special man there… better treasure him.


JourneyBeyondSurvival February 18, 2010 at 9:26 am

So totally awesome. And funny. And embarrassing.



Michelle March 17, 2010 at 5:30 am

Ok I know it's three months late…but I love this. I love this, because this is me. And I would respond the EXACT same way.

However, I beat you. I pooped once in a bed. A pre-colonoscopy 'pass of gas' was NOT gas. ALL over white sheets. ALL OVER his PJs.

I win.


Amos the Lion Heart May 5, 2010 at 6:58 pm

several months behind.. but this was the BEST story ever. Are you writing a book??? Cause you should


Amos the Lion Heart May 5, 2010 at 6:59 pm

ok.. several months late.. i know, but this was the BEST STORY EVER.

Are you writing a book?? Cause you should. seriously


Jessica August 31, 2010 at 11:24 pm

oh. my. god.

This is seriously the funniest thing I have ever read. I rarely actually laugh out loud at blogs and I seriously could not contain myself.

Your story will go down in history as the BEST proposal story ever.

You have a good man. A very good man.


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