apparently you can teach an old dog new tricks

by MrsFatass on December 16, 2009

Listen, I don’t want ya’ll to get all YOU EEEEDIOT on my ass, but do you know what I learned today? There is sodium in diet soda. IN DIET SODA! Mothereff. And I’m a label reader, too, but somehow I missed that. I’ve let a couple of sodas creep back into my diet lately, but tomorrow I will be strong. Diet Pepsi? I said good day!

Okay, and can someone tell me what’s up with the manmade islands of Dubai? I swear to GOD I had no idea. So, picture this: I’m being given a lesson in the one shaped like a palm tree (I bullshit you not!) by a hairdresser, who I am silently judging for being a little whackadoodle, and am later schooled by a seventh grader in the history of these islands, which are sometimes referred to as The 8th Wonder of the World. Who knew?

I guess what I’m trying to say is this. You live and learn. Which is a pretty decent segue into today’s Fatass Blog End of the Year Wrapup post:

The 10 Most Important (to me) Things I Have Learned About Diet/Weightloss/Blogging/Life in 2009.

10: You can take a tablespoon of your favorite creamy salad dressing and mix it with a couple of spoonfuls of cottage cheese and it is delicious on your salad. With the right kitchen tool, you can make “pasta” out of zucchini for a great cold (faux) pasta salad in the summer. And there is no convincing my daughter that real mashed potatoes are made with actual potatoes, not cauliflower.

9: You can put on as much as five pounds of ‘water weight’ for up to a week when you begin a new intense workout program. (And when you aren’t aware of that fact, the weight can make you come absolutely unglued on weigh-in day).

8: The quantity of calories you eat in a day doesn’t always matter as much as the quality.

7: The right playlist can absolutely make or break a workout. ITunes is proof to me that there is a God and he has an awesome IPod. And speaking of IPods, I have discovered a love for all kinds of tech-y things that I didn’t even know existed a few months ago. I have discovered my hotass Blackberry, I can chat and Twitter, and I have a wish list of gadgets (both weight loss and non-weight loss related) that I had no idea I needed, but am now convinced that I do. Apparently I have an inner tech geek just dying to come out. A skinny one, of course.

6: Cute workout clothes can motivate me to actually work out.

5. Losing weight is actually easier than maintaining a loss. So the odds are stacked against us that we will keep our weight off for good. And it explains why very few of us are doing this for the first time.

4: The best way to get through the layer of belly fat in order to find your abs has more to do with cardio and diet than sit ups and side bends. It has absolutely nothing to do with a pill you can buy at Target that will melt it off while you sit on your butt watching Sportcenter.

3. Even so, I am not kidding when I say I hate cardio. I hate it. I hate running, jumping, leaping, kicking, or basically anything non-Business Time related that causes me to break a sweat. And when I do it, it’s not as much for the weight-loss benefits as it is for the anxiety benefits. I lose the shakiness and the worries and the racing thoughts, and am able to stay asleep for longer than 4 hours at a time.

2. I am also not kidding when I say I love strength training. This year I have been introduced to my hammies and my obliques, have learned to love squats and lunges, and I can now do (a few) boy push ups.

1. The major factor that has made this go-round the real deal, allowing me to change my lifestyle to finally get healthy? Blogging. My interactive journal, where I can write away the voices in my head while connecting with amazing people who are doing the same. Blogging has surrounded me with friends at a time when I felt very much alone, a stranger in my new life. Friends as real to me as the ones I see in front of me each day. Relationships with many flavors, some bold and intense and addictive, some mild and relaxed and easy, all of them valuable and meaningful and interesting and important. You have challenged me, accepted me, supported me, comforted me, captivated me, competed with me, drawn me in, pushed me away, given to me and taken from me, and I would love to invite you all over to dinner (a healthy one, natch, but one with wine and vodka and cigars for SURE) and put voices and faces and mannerisms and smiles to the catchy names and inspiring stories I read on your blogs.

I am able to do what I do here because of all of you. Because when I have something raw and honest to put out there, you receive it with kindness and empathy and compassion. Even when I admitted to the whole eating refried beans out of the can. Even then.

Friends, you are. And I’m damn glad to have ya.

So glad, in fact, that I’m going to share a Fatass holiday favorite. Enjoy!

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
A Colbert Christmas: Colbert/Costello Duet
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor U.S. Speedskating

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Miz December 16, 2009 at 6:45 am

did you know this about me? that I am so so so with you on number 3? that every day I do it I loathe it? that I need to negotiate with myself to do it on a daily basis?
that I dont believe as MANY SAY 🙂 that "you can find a cardio you love if you just look!!"

I love weights and other things—I DO cardio.
for me. for my heart but most mornings for my DAUGHTER.
to stick around for her.

or Id entirely blow it off.



yobigmike December 16, 2009 at 7:56 am



Fab Kate December 16, 2009 at 8:02 am

ROTFL.. oh, I LOVE Stephen Cobert!


Andrea (ace1028) December 16, 2009 at 11:13 am

SO glad you found a support system and a way to let it all "hang out" that works for you. I have yet to take that turn and be as raw as I'd like to be in my blog w. respect to my weight issues, but am truly inspired by you and others who are! Happy Holidays!


TJ December 16, 2009 at 11:35 am

Did you try the cottage cheese/dressing trick already??!! makes me wanna have a salad for breakfast! lol 🙂


Salina Lyn December 16, 2009 at 11:57 am

Love the list. Now I'm just gonna have to make my own. I'm a list girl afterall. 🙂


Yum Yucky December 16, 2009 at 12:14 pm

We don't have to fit in and do what's popular, just do what works. I learned that for me. And your list echoes this truth.



JewliaGoulia December 16, 2009 at 12:38 pm

I think I love you. You are so honest, sarcastic, and funny. I'm really looking forward to sharing some of your likes/dislikes about health, fitness, and food as I keep on towards my goal. It's too early in my journey to really complain about anything. One thing I can say for sure is that I am with you on #1. Although blogging for only 3-4 days, I have felt the same support and love from others online. It's great!

Oh, and I am totally stealing the cottage cheese/salad dressing trick. It sounds yummy!

My best,



Quix December 16, 2009 at 2:02 pm

#8 – I think I'm starting to face this fact and it's the reason I've been stuck.

#7 – Oh hell yes. It takes a lot of work to craft a perfect playlist, but when you have one – MAGIC.

I'm afraid you have #3 and #2 mixed up, hehe. In the vein of MizFit, running is what I LOVE. Weights are what I DO (to improve my running).

And I'm very glad to have found your blog!


Christy in Seattle December 16, 2009 at 2:36 pm

#10 So, how do you make mashed cauliflower to make it so yummy? I've tried, and it winds up tasting like glue.


amy December 16, 2009 at 3:03 pm

great list!! 🙂


Jenn December 16, 2009 at 3:31 pm

This is an awesome post!!!! (Feels her own list a-brewin'…)


Frannie December 16, 2009 at 4:36 pm

#5 kind of scares me, though I know it must be true because if I slack off even for a day or two, I instantly go back to my starting weight. Instantly.

Also, agreed with Christy on the mashed cauliflower. I've never tried it, but I love mashed potatoes so much it's hard to imagine using cauliflower.


Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit December 16, 2009 at 6:06 pm

You've come a long way, sister.


kathyj333 December 16, 2009 at 6:18 pm

Diet soda always gives me heartburn.

Blogging has been some of the best medicine for me. It helps to get it out.

Good luck on your journey.


ARJules December 16, 2009 at 7:38 pm

#7: You are so right! Although, I watch TV when I'm doing cardio. See, I hate huffing and puffing in front of people. They look at you like "Of course you are huffing and puffing lardbutt. Why are you surprised?" So I have a machine at home. I always used to watch my Navy SEALs BUD/S DVDs during cardio. Because a) HELLO! Hot, yummy guys….. shirtless…. all sweaty…and… yeah.. AHEM! What was I saying? Oh yes. and b) if they can do physical training for 3 weeks straight, I can do cardio for 30-45 minutes.

#1: Just found your blog not to long ago. It helps me to have a virtual kindred spirit. Stay at it! 🙂


MacMadchen December 17, 2009 at 12:49 am

Bravo to this list!! Though we def need more info on the cauliflower!

Why oh why does everything have sodium in?? GEEZ


Jennifer Brindley December 17, 2009 at 2:08 am

You're my soul mate, for realz though. I'm making cauliflower mash tomorrow night. I never heard of the cottage cheese thing but I used to just do cottage cheese. Brilliant. I hate cardio, I like weights, I work out to my iPod, I love cute workout clothes, you know the story about the 5 pounds of water weight, damn bitches, I love blogging and I can't believe I got the "captivated" one. Well, if wishing and dreaming and sighing across the many, many miles counts, then yes. 'cause we do it out the window.

<3 Jenn


cmoursler December 17, 2009 at 3:05 am

Thank you for the shout out…funny how my husband doesn't see me as comforting. He calls me his little badger lmao.
And that song…strangely beautiful.


Kelly Anderson April 4, 2010 at 7:50 pm

I just found your blog and I haven't gotten to read much yet, what with it being Easter and all, but I am clicking follow just as soon as I finish, well, this. Too funny.


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