a different kind of exposure

by MrsFatass on December 9, 2009

Some of you may be familiar with the EXPOSED movement. If you’re not, you can learn about it here. I, too, am throwing my hat in that ring – I mean, far be it from me to ignore an opportunity to show you my undies again – and have created my own EXPOSED post that ya’ll will be seeing in the future. But for now, for today, I’m exposing myself in a different way.

Oh, and there’s no need to avert your eyes. For this exposure, I remain fully clothed.

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

TJ December 9, 2009 at 1:50 pm

Loved it. I think we have all eaten over the sink on occasion. Yesterday I went over points by 4 and when looked at my food journal for the day it was on fruit. 1 apple, 4 mandarin oranges, oh and I ate a viatmuffin for dessert. Not too bad I guess- but that was my pig out because I was lonely yesterday afternoon. That seems to get the best of me most days.

I have to say I think you shed more tears than me. 🙂

PS did you at least heat up those refried beans? lol

Puffy hearts <3 🙂

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Salina Lyn December 9, 2009 at 2:25 pm

Thank you for that vlog. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for trusting the land of blogz with your heart. I know I feel closer to you and a little less lonely knowing that others feel like I do. Thank you for making the difficult decisions and thank you for asking yourself the difficult questions. We might just be kindred spirits. 🙂

PS. If you ever find yourself in a lonely moment or emotionally standing over the sink with a can of beans in your hand and tears running down your face again…I'll be here for you. Email me and I'll give you my number.

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cmoursler December 9, 2009 at 2:30 pm

hey,
Is it wrong to say I love your bedspread.
lol.
so on to the rest….
I had a great moment yesterday….which averted some of what I have been feeling for a week.
Which is HUNGRY.
It has been soooo hard to stay under calories.
When I am not as active, I get hungry…I don't know why.
Maybe it's inertia.
That is why I was out walking in 8 degree weather. I didn't trust myself not to.
Exercise is my new coping mechanism.
It's not easy for anyone…No one feels invincible all the time.
and really, cookies? Not fair.
Like I said, I buy stuff to snack on that i can't stand…like oreos.
If you put 'real' popcorn (popcorn popped on the stove, with butter and salt…)I am eating it. Period.
That's why I just don't make it.

I had a series of moments as well…I wanted to be better. I was inspired by people. But I think Really seeing myself was what flipped my switch…that was the term Jack used.
I use it too. Because it's like being in a room, and the lights are off, and everything is dark. Then BAM…LIGHTS ON.
It's a whole different world.
I finally saw myself as fat. Not pudgy, or pleasantly plump, or matronly….fat.
It's an ugly word.
I don't know but I think it's harder for people who havent reached morbid obesity. You still feel halfway decent. You can sit in seats…it's not THAT BAD.
Of course you hear "well, do it before it goes too far". But you don't. I didn't. Then one day your heart skips not one, but many beats. and you about pass out while driving your car. You can't swallow when you lay down. You can't walk far. At some point, for you…I think the flip will switch. You want to lose weight, you've intellectualized it. For some people it's a more primal thing. It means survival. It's easier when it's life or death.
I hope you feel better and it looks like you are moving on. Keep it up.

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Christine December 9, 2009 at 4:25 pm

I'm with moursler . . . I was staring at the cute bedding the whole time! Way cute bed spread. 😉

I was over 200 lbs for over 5 years and I struggled. Struggled, struggled, struggled. It wasn't an accepting where I was thing, or a denial thing. I hated where I was but I felt trapped and I would feel like I had a shovel and was trying to dig a hole that was caving in all around me. So now I feel silly giving advice because I used to look at ppl my size and just fume. I am still scared of ppl my size, I avoid them until I remember it's okay to make eye contact with them now, they don't reject me and talk down to me. They see a smaller package and have no idea about the hole digger inside.

Now, I am not saying you're digging a hole. I am saying I was. And I still do. My older brother very suddenly died from an obesity related problem when he was 26. I thought that would be my "moment". It wasn't. I wanted it to be so bad.

I can't tell you why it's working now except that I do it more consistently. The same battle, the same fight, the same intensity and the same deep desire to change. I just work through it all– the ups and downs of the scale war, the emotional food binges, the feelings of anxiety and failure and nakedness. I just keep working and sometimes I just feel so raw and done. But I am not over 200 lbs anymore. Sometimes mentally, I can actually believe it too. And somehow it's working.

It's a journey and it's about being exposed and it's about hitting rock bottom and it's about having a "moment" or not having had one. But there are good parts to it and it's worth it!

Thank you so much for this vlog. You are a huge inspiration to me. I totally hope I get to give you a hug someday. ♥

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jules December 9, 2009 at 5:00 pm

you're brave! amazingly brave!
I admire you for your braveness (I know I am repeating myself) and your pure honesty… and braveness after all 🙂
and I find this vlog more *exposing* than pictures of a body.
great!

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Janet December 9, 2009 at 5:24 pm

Thanks for your vlog today. I'm at a point where a bad day has turned into a couple bad weeks, and I was considering just starting again January 1st. But I know that's not the right thing to do because too many bad days is going to turn prediabetes into diabetes and I don't want that. It's time to take care of my body now. It's time to put down the cigarettes (I only smoke during acute stress) and cookies and pull out the shred video I bought just before that "bad day" and just do it.

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Christy in Seattle December 9, 2009 at 7:14 pm

I thought *I* was the only one who ate refried beans straight out of the can. Oddly enough, I had this HUGE craving for them last night. Oddly enough, I triumphed over that craving to be laid low by low-fat ranch dressing mixed with hot sauce. HUH???

You are NOT the only one who self-sabotages like this!

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Meet Virginia December 9, 2009 at 10:51 pm

"for this thing that we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down."

I can totally relate to your day. And I thank you for your thoughts and your courage.

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MizFit December 10, 2009 at 6:24 am

This is one reason why I initially was hesitant to expose.
your vlog was far more raw and honest and bare than any naked torso every could be.

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Joanna Sutter December 10, 2009 at 9:30 am

I just feel in love with you.

I get it. I get you. I am you. I am here for you.

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Diane Fit to the Finish December 10, 2009 at 3:08 pm

You are an amazingly honest woman. Your vlog shares not only your heart and struggles but resonates with many, many as well.

This exposure is a healing kind – one that will only move you forward towards all your goals. I can so relate to those things that you shared. So relate. . .

Take care, and know that I am in your corner cheering you on!

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debby December 10, 2009 at 3:11 pm

I can't tell you how many times I said or thought 'I've got a handle on it' followed immediately by a day out of control. It just serves to keep me humble and ever cautious. But the certainty that 'I have a handle on it' gets surer the more times I stumble but get right back on track.

Thanks so much for your honesty and sharing.

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lowfatpie December 10, 2009 at 3:12 pm

so honest and real. I loved that! thank you so much for sharing with us@

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Tania December 10, 2009 at 6:38 pm

This is the first time I visited your blog and I'm so happy it was on the day after you posted this vlog. You were so open and raw and honest. You said all of the things that we all feel and do or have done. And your honesty is going to make it that much easier for me to say no to myself the next time my will is challenged and I feel the urge to eat something over the sink.

Everyone struggling with this battle has gone through what you went through has done what you did. It's hard and frustrating.

And I often think the same thing you do about all of the people who don't have bodies capable of running or bicycling. Yet we do and we don't always take advantage of that. Does that make us bad people? I don't think so. But it's good that we are aware. It means that we are aware of what we are capable of and what a gift it is to be able bodied. And we should use that gift every chance we get.

Thank you for helping to light a spark to fuel me to continue to push and work through the hard times to make me be the woman I want to be.

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Ann December 10, 2009 at 10:13 pm

This is what I saw in your vlog aside from your powerful statement…

When the phone rang you were able to jump up, turn it off and sit back down with very little effort (fitness)

When your child came into the room, you gave her your full attention (respect)

When she came back, you held her without thinking and she knew you were there for her (love)

I absolutely adore you

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The Insatiable Host December 10, 2009 at 10:56 pm

you are soooo brave and wonderful. thank you for being real. I want you to know…today I had a double cheeseburger and fries….i had just ate my salad! i dont know why I did…I just did. I wanted to eat my feelings, but didn't realize this until after when I wanted to stick my arm down my throat and rip out the food i gorged on. i was upset – but then i reflected…I am allowed to make mistakes because it's the only chance for growth and to learn.
don't tear yourself down for having a human moment..allow yourself 7 steps to pace and dwell and just as you did your shred yesterday, and you chose to take care of yourself today…that's all you need. that and all of your friends here. I dont even know you, but your vlog gave me a piece of you and I truly believe you are a strong woman, and can do this. I'll be there with ya!

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Annalisa201 December 10, 2009 at 11:46 pm

Sue… I am filled with compassion, and my heart goes out to you. I am so relieved to see that I am not alone. I am exactly like so many people out there, trying to hide those plastic bags and empty containers, hiding the fact that I ate 5, only giving my kids 2-3 each… how brutally embarrassing to admit it, but it is true. Everything you said in this video could have been straight from my mouth.

I also had lots of little "that's it" moments, but not one really big one. Right now, I am hanging on to the fact that I am supposed to be sending my measurements to my sister for bridesmaid dresses, wedding in June, but do I always make the right choice… not even close. However, I do find that if I hang on to what little exercise I commit to (3 days a week strength training) everything else falls into place. Don't beat yourself up over crappy choices. All we can do is do our best, and sometimes, although I know it isn't right, I use food as medicine! But do I use Tylenol or ibuprofen everyday? No… There are sad lonely moments where I need to nurse my mental sickness back into health, and yes, I can say that a can of refried beans helps…. but not as much as a good exercise session does. It's like the difference of taking 1 Tylenol for a headache, or 2 codeines…

What I am trying to say is that I have accepted that binging does happen – I just try my damnedest to minimise and avoid it. If I make it 2 weeks, I am proud. But then again, that is why I have taken a whole f'n year to lose 25 lbs, and still struggling. I comfort myself with the fact that I HAVE gotten better. I AM still losing weight, slowly but surely. I haven't and will never give up. But my mood changes will always be there, and will always make the struggle difficult. That's ok… Just never give up.

Thanks Sue. I love you.

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Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit December 10, 2009 at 11:56 pm

After seeing your panties on your last vlog, I was a little worried about where an EXPOSED video was gonna go…

I know it's Dollywood, dumbass. I was talking about Dollyworld, the theme park inspired by Dolly Madison, the spouse of the fourth President of the United States and the inventor of the snack cake.

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Heather December 11, 2009 at 12:03 pm

Thank you so much for sharing your vlog. I did a similar thing yesterday after I weighed in and found I was up 2.4lbs. 🙁

I went to the gym like normal and then ordered fast food AND a dessert. Didn't count those calories or the rest of my calories for the day. After watching your vlog I was inspired to get back to the gym after my day of no control. I'm putting that day behind me and moving forward.

By the way, your daughter is adorable! I loved the interaction between the two of you. So sweet!

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Michelle January 13, 2010 at 12:21 pm

I don't know why I am just watching this…but I have to say that I can identify with everything that you're saying. EVERYTHING.

I don't know if these feelings come back to you or not…but I hope that you find solace in the fact that even though you may not have overcome them totally….you are being honest with everything.

just keep going. keep unwrapping those emotions and keep going.

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BEE January 13, 2010 at 1:44 pm

you can come to my blog i am motivated right now
ill help you if you need it 🙂
sound like you had an off day
but your doing better today
which is great
todays a new day dont worry about the past
if i worried about all the things i ate after i found out my child had autism id be worryin for over a year lol

just focus on the here and now
it will only get better

and breath when you have those anxiety momments try to count to 30 and relax and breath

i am have them all the time
i was a smoker and i still feel
oh i need to go smoke its been over 7 months since i smoked and i still get that urge like the cig will take away the anxiety or the food will take away the anxiety but honestly it just make you more unhealthier and
i just say if i smoke i wont be able to breath when i work out so i dont smoke the same with my eating i say the same thing the food will affect the level i want to be at or am at it will set me back

i dunno

i understand how you feel and im here to talk if you need to

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Lynda with a Y July 24, 2010 at 5:28 am

I know you wrote this last year, but I just want to let you know that you touched me and I really love your honesty. Tears in Eyes.

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