downwind

by MrsFatass on November 9, 2009

So there I sit. Laughing and crying and trying to balance on one cheek because I’m really not a fan of sitting in my own poo, nor could I adequately assess the amount or the damage. Not then. Not with my hotass boyfriend wondering what the hell had just happened to make his Girl of One Year go all white, burst into hysterical tears, and not leap out of the car to greet him.

And so he walks over to the car and I’m all, Go Away! And he’s all, What? I can’t hear you! And I’m all Go Upstairs! I’ll be there in a minute! And he’s all What the hell is the matter? Why are you crying? And we’re yelling this back and forth through the closed car windows, me teetering on one cheek and him getting more and more concerned about what was happening to this crazy woman locked inside that Buick Regal.

He left me no other choice. I had to come clean. And I had to tell him I just crapped my pants.

So I go, Honey? I just pooped. In my pants. I thought I was gassy. I was terribly terribly wrong. And I’m not coming out. Until you go away.

And he stops. And blinks his eyes a few times, trying to wrap his head around this charming little nugget of information.

And then he laughed.

And he continued to laugh as I sat one-cheeked, begging him to just go upstairs, leaving me there to die. Alone. There was just so much information I needed to process at that moment. And I really wanted to do it privately.

But that guy? He wouldn’t leave me. He wouldn’t turn his back on his pants-crapping girlfriend. So he says Come on, get out of the car. Let’s go upstairs and get you cleaned up.

So I begrudgingly unlock the door and carefully climb out of the car, and he goes around to the other side to grab my bag for me. And we go up to my apartment. I walked downwind.

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Shrnk D November 9, 2009 at 11:45 am

O.M.G. I am so sorry that happened – but this is just about the funniest thing I've read in a long time. A few months ago my friend was doing a cleanse and she had read some blogs about it … one of the tidbits of advice she has found was "If you feel like you have to fart – don't."
The upside to the experience is that you have one hell of an amazing boyfriend!

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Chupsie November 9, 2009 at 11:47 am

OK, so I never got a chance to read the first half. I went back and read the whole story. Now im at work laughing sooo hard im cryn! well hubby must love you, not only that you two have had some good times! Thank you for the story, I do feel bad that you sharted yourself but you made my day… <3 ya!

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Lisa November 9, 2009 at 12:40 pm

First, you have no idea how badly I have been waiting to read this next snippet. Both entries have caused me to laugh so hard that my co-workers have come up to me asking if I am ok.

Second, your husband is a keeper. Seriously. Think of that next time he leaves the seat up/doesn't clean up after himself/do any other stupid man thing.

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Christy in Seattle November 9, 2009 at 1:24 pm

Wow! You know the strange thing? That day probably just made him fall in love with you all the more!

Intimacy is built in such strange ways!

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Christine November 9, 2009 at 3:25 pm

My husband and I joke that everything goes back to poop in our relationship. Within six months of knowing him I had a terrible day in which I was pooped on by our puppy AND my stepdaughter all in under 2 hrs. And our relationship just got poopier from then on out.

You know you are in love when you've passed the crap test! ♥

And you have to laugh when you discover your S.O. has crapped themselves. It's impossible not to. The true test comes in whether you can keep it a secret! ::zips my lips::

😉

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Heather November 9, 2009 at 5:56 pm

I've had the same "I need to fart, holy cow I just crapped" moment. Mine was in front of my dad though and inside my apt. Luckily I had time to clean up, but it was humiliating.

Any man that will stick by you while you have poo pants, it definitely a keeper. Can't wait to see how this story ends!

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cmoursler November 9, 2009 at 11:24 pm

wow, that was awesome. True love from a truly sh*teous circumstance. lol. Your husband is one of a kind, congratulations on your find.

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Annalisa201 November 10, 2009 at 12:15 am

LOL, THIS is why I nominated you for Most Hilarious Gagger of the YEAR! You are so funny, even at your own expense. I hope you can look back and laugh, and not cry, even when life gets shitty.

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Marisa (Trim The Fat) November 14, 2009 at 6:23 pm

OMG, that was hilarious. Well, I know you didn't think so at the moment, but I think what made me laugh so much is that I could totally picture it happening to me!

Your boyfriend is a keeper 🙂

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