dancing monkey

by MrsFatass on October 10, 2009

Here’s the deal. Today’s post is going to deal with the subject of Business Time. So, if you are at all squeamish when talking about topics dealing with nudity, arousal, desire, quality, quantity, or anything concerning sexiness in general, it might be best to just sit this one out. And by you, I mean anyone who might be a parent, relative, in-law, former teacher, man or woman of the cloth, or anyone else who I might someday be expected to make eye contact with.

Now, I think throughout the pages of this blog I have made it clear that though we have our issues, I have married a good man. Capital G capital M. He’s warm and funny and reliable and stable and he loves his family. Capital L.

And he’s also predictable. We’re predictable. (Capital P). In fact, just about every argument we ever have always boils down to this: He wants more sex. With me, of course. But more. And truthfully, it is a quantity thing, but also a quality thing. It’s a lesson I’m continually learning that his urge for more, um, Business Time is deeply rooted both in biology and emotion.

(By the by, I’ll save the part about what our arguments boil down to for me for another day).

Anyway, if you want to know the story of our years together, you can see it all over my body. I mean, 10 years ago my body was simple. Straightforward. Fearless. Now? Well, now it’s more complex. It’s got more spice. The curves are different. There are scars. My hair is sprinkled with silver. The lines on my face are beginning to define themselves. I squint now, when I read or concentrate. I notice that my shoulders sometimes curve forward, as if to wrap around my chest, protecting my heart and everything I hold in there. Because now there is so much more that I do. Hold in there.

And as this story was playing out all over my body, there was he. Trophy Husband. Wanting to enjoy the spice.

But me? Not so much. Really, I’m not all that touchy-feely. Once the babies came, I had to learn to be because they needed me to. But it didn’t come easy. I know mommies are supposed to be hardwired to snuggle and caress and bond and nurse, and I was, to an extent. I just had nothing left over. For anyone else. After the hugging and the nursing and the snuggling and the loving, by the time they were tucked into bed, when Trophy Husband would give me The Look, all I wanted to do was hide.

However, I wanted to remain happily married, and so I got curious about The Look. For so long I just assumed that men were just not as deep as women, and The Look was simply all about wanting to, well, pardon me, but fuck. When I began to learn that The Look wasn’t simply about the sex, but also about the connection? Well, that was huge. I mean, I love complex. So to learn that there was some new layer to be discovered about my man? It made me want to do better for him. And I began to understand that all of the changes in my body weren’t just happening to me. They were happening to us. He could see each an every one. But the difference was, while he wanted to just dig in and enjoy everything new and interesting, I did not. I did not like the changes. I did not want more, um, character. I wanted to hide it.

So. I kind of became his Dancing Monkey. I learned quickly what I needed to do (in the shortest amount of time) to give him what he needed so that he’d be satisfied, and so that we could go back to the non-physical side of our relationship, which was fun and happy and supportive and comfortable so I would be satisfied. Until next week. When I would dance for him again.

By the way, he’d be mortified to know that I at any time in my life referred to myself as his Dancing Monkey. MOR-TI-FIED. Just saying.

Anyhow. Here’s what’s changing. Ready? Here goes . . . I’m getting my groove back. My mojo, if you will. And call me vain, tell me that I’m part of the problem with the world today, silently judge me for all of my superficiality. But part of the reason I’m getting my groove back?

I’m getting my body back, too.

Yes, for those of you playing along at home, taking care of my body = wanting it to be seen. And touched. And loved. And more than the obligatory once a week.

Now, this isn’t to say that I don’t cry headache on occasion when I get The Look. And it is also hard to make him understand sometimes that I don’t need to hurry and rush and do everything all at once. Because I think this reappearance of The Mojo needs to be savored. Every rediscovered piece of fearlessness deserves more than a minute in the spotlight before another one is sought.

I think it’s only fair.

Okay. Eeew. I have totally overshared. But there you go. So, let’s lighten the mood in here once again – hopefully by now you have watched the Business Time clip. Tell me your favorite line from the song in my comments. So we can all pretend I didn’t just refer to myself as somebody’s Dancing Monkey.

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Amy Clark October 10, 2009 at 10:34 am

You have just inspired me in ways I cannot explain. I am recently celebrating a 10lb weight loss and was trying to think of ways to "non-food reward myself." I think I just found it. Dancing monkey? Be gone. Sexy, curvy, scarred, spicy, sultry love kitten? Welcome back. Robert Clark? Bring on The Look.


Mrs. Sheila October 10, 2009 at 10:44 am

Mojo is a good thing to get back. It is happening here! IN fact I am actually developing my own "LOOK" and I can see him pondering what it is! LOL

BTW ~ I have awrded you the gorgeous blog award! Come by and snag it!


dani31608 October 10, 2009 at 12:05 pm

I have a long way to go still so, for me, it wasn't about getting my body back but feeling empowered. When you start thinking of yourself enough to make healthy lifestyle changes, you automatically start thinking of other needs in your life, including sex. It's no longer about just being "Mom" anymore at that point, you know? It's all about YOU.

Unfortunately, The Mr. picked up a second job (since our lives are in such chaos right now with the house closing stuff still in the air) that I haven't even seen The Mr.'s face for more than it takes for him to be coming (and not in the good way) or going. But I'm still holding on to fond memories of "The Look". =P


Christy in Seattle October 10, 2009 at 12:11 pm

What a beautiful post. It's all well and good for me to blather on about the joy my sexuality brings me when I don't have children. I have wondered many times before how having children would change the way I express that part of myself. I'd like to think that I'd still find a way to stay "in my body" sexually, but who knows?

I can say, though, that you're on the right track. Sex IS about connection, and anyone who says differently is lying to themselves. That connection can sometimes be negative or distorted thru selfishness, fear, or evil, but you are sharing energy with someone when you fuck or make love, plain and simple.

If you're the type of the couple that doesn't really talk about sex, I would encourage you to talk to him about some of this, one night when the babysitter has the kids, focusing on how draining having children has been to your sexuality and how you want to reconnect with him. Also, there's nothing wrong with asking for more foreplay! 😉

My girlfriends who have children have talked to me many times about how their sex life has to take a back seat to the burdens of child-rearing. Sure, they loved their children, but as Mommy, you are ALWAYS ON DUTY.

Just like exhotgirl's post about the impossible standards set by the fashion industry, maybe the idea that a woman can ALWAYS be a fit wife, mother, employee, and model citizen while still being a tigress in the sack is an impossible standard. I think it stems from the 70s.

Remember those Enjoli commercials?

God! Who doesn't want to be her?

Also, our culture has warped and distorted our view of sexuality, as surely as it has warped and distorted our standard of beauty.

When you receive your husband with genuine desire (and when he takes his time to express his love for you during sex) something very powerful and profound happens — you confirm to each other on the very deepest, non-verbal level that you accept each other totally and completely. Most people can feel that energy, to a greater or lesser extent, even if they can't verbalize it. Men, like women, can sometimes have a problem being open enough to surrender to each other totally. Being that open with each other takes time, patience, and communication. Personality, temperament, and hormones have a lot to do with having a sort of spiritual connection with your lover. At that level of communication and acceptance, this beautiful connection to spirit and to joy starts to manifest in all areas of your life … not only in the bedroom.

I know what I'm talking about. I've been around the block more than a time or two. In fact, I'm polyamorous. I have two wonderful men in my life.

You may be on the verge of having huge discoveries in this area of your life. The older I get, the better my sex life gets! There are a lot of physiological and psychological reasons that's true for women, but trust me, it is!

I wish you joy as you re-discover this amazing part of yourself. Just remember, there is a lot of variance in what makes people happy … and have fun! 🙂


Christy in Seattle October 10, 2009 at 12:16 pm

lol. wow! that was a LONG response! I love the way you referenced the Conchords, btw! 🙂


Carlos October 10, 2009 at 12:32 pm

i too can give my wife a headache with just one look… here's to getting your monkey petting mojo back!


Jennifer Brindley October 10, 2009 at 11:35 pm

AHH!! I LOVE this post. I totally relate. And the body image completely goes hand in hand with desire for me. Dan and I had a breakdown about sex last year (he said we weren't having enough, I could have gone totally without) and it was completely due to my weight. I was so ashamed of my body I didn't want to be naked, seen, touched, anything. I couldn't see how he wanted me when I was that heavy. Now that I'm slowly getting more comf with my body, I want sex more. <3

Oh, and the entire song is awesome, I don't know about choosing a favorite line. But sorting out the recycling IS very important. I usually quote about the big old t-shirt from the team building exercise at your old work, and it's never looked better on you. That one is hilarious. YAY!


Leesie October 11, 2009 at 3:24 am

For me part of getting my "mojo" back was every time my boyfriend gave me the "look" I went for it, whether I was in the mood or not. I found that after the first two or three times I go in the mood a whole lot faster!

Glad you wrote this, it comforting to know that everyone struggles with body image!


His Pink Girl October 13, 2009 at 6:55 pm

Love this post & the song! Thank you for this, its just what I needed to read today!


Miss Mary October 27, 2009 at 8:58 pm

Love it. Every girl needs to get her mojo back on. My weight has hindered that part of our relationship but Im still told Im the best he's ever had 😛 I always say what I lack in looks(im still hott) I make up in technique lol


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